After dating for almost a year and a half, Amy Schumer and her boyfriend Ben Hanisch are done. Amy’s rep announced the news with a very generic statement.
“Amy and Ben have ended their relationship after thoughtful consideration and remain friends.”
Wow, no “It is with a heavy heart…” even? At least dress it up a little. It also kind of sounds like this breakup was the equivalent to a shrug, which is a bit of a surprise. Earlier this month, Howard Stern asked Amy if she was in love with Ben, who she met on a dating app. She replied, “Hell yeah” and said that she would “Maybe” marry him.
Ben Hanisch is a Chicago-based furniture designer, so this could be the last we ever hear of him. Or who knows, maybe he got a taste of sweet lady fame and will attempt to channel that $70 haircut and suburban good looks into an attempt at becoming the next Bachelor. Amy is a famous person, which means she’ll stay single until her publicist starts dropping hints that it’s time to get out there and be seen with someone at whatever next month’s Catch will be.
Since it’s almost summer, I say that Amy should make the most out of it and try to stay unattached until at least September. Summer is a great time to be free and casual. There’s nothing like putting your mouth on as many random mouths that taste like Hawaiian Punch and orange vodka as possible while trying to ignore all the sweat rolling down your business.
Just like Gwyneth Paltrow before them, Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham haven’t been too subtle when it comes to letting people know what they think of the Met Gala. Last year, Amy Schumer crapped all over the Met Gala when she claimed to have told Beyonce that 2016 would be her first and last time going. She also said it felt like punishment, and described everyone as being dressed up like “a bunch of fucking assholes.” Lena Dunham also claimed to have had a crappy time last year because Odell Beckham Jr. failed to hit on her (she later apologized for that).
Amy Schumer gets a lot of flack from all segments of the population for being shrill and annoying, thinking she’s funnier than she is, allegedly being a klepto for jokes, acting as an enabler for Lena Dunham’s privilege, pissing off comedy treasure Tig Notaro, wearing things like this, coming dangerously close to foisting a Barbie movie on us, and so on.
But, like the rest of us, Amy is multi-faceted. And one of those facets is that she’s so grateful for being allowed to piss, that she spends thousands of dollars on a stranger. A mattress store employee let Amy use of the store’s bathroom, so Amy bought her a $2,000 mattress. I hope she didn’t ask to use the mattress store employee’s discount to buy that mattress, because that would render this gesture a little tacky.
Back in December, it was announced that Amy Schumer would be playing Barbie in Sony’s live action Barbie movie. Amy was playing a version of Barbie who doesn’t fit in with all the other Barbies. That minor detail didn’t matter to some people on the internet who though she was too big to be playing any Barbie. Amy didn’t care; she claimed she was “so honored” to be playing such an “icon.” Sony is going to have to find someone else who would be honored to step into Barbie’s iconic hard plastic pink heels, because Amy Schumer is out. Jennifer Coolidge, call your agent!
Amy tells Variety she’s “bummed” about not being able to play Barbie, and she blames it on scheduling conflicts. Production on Barbie was supposed to start on June 23, but that’s right in the middle of her promotional tour for Snatched. After that, Amy begins shooting She Came to Me with Steve Carell and Nicole Kidman. Amy adds that Sony and Mattel have been great partners, and she can’t wait to see the film when it comes out.
Variety says Sony needed to stick to that schedule, because Mattel has merchandise to move. Sony chimed in regarding Amy’s departure. They say they respect and support her decision to leave, and that they look forward to sharing updates on casting.
Not only was Amy supposed to play Barbie, but apparently she also punched up the script. Variety says they have no idea if Sony will keep Amy’s script changes. I have a feeling they probably won’t. An Amy Schumer-ized script really only works if Amy Schumer is saying the words. It’s going to be really awkward hearing whoever ends up playing Barbie warn Ken that her plastic no-crotch smells like a barnyard animal.
When you become a rich person, there’s lot of stuff you can do with your money. You could adopt six dogs and buy each of them their own boat. You could hire a dozen actors to dress up and re-create old episodes of Sailor Moon. If you’re Amy Schumer, one of the things you do is buy your daddy back the farm he lost many years ago.
Yesterday Amy announced on Instagram that Christmas came early for her dad Gordon Schumer. She posted a screen grab of herself FaceTiming with her dad to tell him she bought back their family farm. UsWeekly says Amy’s dad lost their farm when she was 12-years-old after he was diagnosed with MS and went bankrupt. She also Instagrammed a clip from a home movie that her dad took of Lil’ Amy running away through a corn field at their farm before they had to move.
The last time Amy did something that warmed my heart, it was after I watched the trailer for Snatched and got all angry inside after seeing Goldie Hawn look anything but gorgeous. But this time she legitimately made me feel things. Amy’s dad currently lives in an assisted living facility, so buying the farm back is really more about the gesture of it all. That is, unless Amy bought it with the intention of putting her dad back to work. In which case, that’s a really crappy present. “Merry Christmas! NOW GET OUT THERE AND PLANT ME SOME TURNIPS.”
Amy doesn’t say who will run this farm she recently bought. Maybe she’ll hire someone and just show up every other weekend to help. I’m sure they could always use an extra hoe in the field.
Goldie Hawn hasn’t been in a movie since 2002’s The Banger Sisters, which is beyond shameful. But Goldie Hawn is finally back.
The official trailer for Amy Schumer’s latest “Wah, I’m a mess!” movie, Snatched, was released today. If you’re looking at that screengrab above and wondering if it’s a spiritual sequel to Snatch starring living Gerald Scarfe drawings, it’s not. Goldie and Amy play a mother and daughter who go on vacation to South America, where shit immediately goes down after Amy meets a hot guy at a bar. They get kidnapped by South American gangsters. It’s like Trainwreck meets How Stella Got Her Groove Back meets the Bolivian part of Scarface, all wrapped up in a package that will make you want to take a shower. They’re so grimy-looking in this movie.