Amy Schumer can let out a hardy “I’m rich, biatch!” now, because she went to Netflix and told them she was worth as much as Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock and wasn’t laughed out of the room.
Thespian Club Barbie Anne Hathaway must have taken that jeer to heart over the years, because the Hollywood Reporter is saying Anne is in talks to take over for Amy Schumer in the live-action Barbie movie. I can already imagine Anne renting a pink convertible from the Hertz at LAX, donning one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs and driving over to producer Amy Pascal’s house to perform Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” on her front lawn, refusing to leave until she gets the part. “I was born for this! America already thinks I’m a stiff!!! Did you know I have an OSCARRR?!”
Amy Schumer’s Barbie was supposed to be all about feminism and identity. Amy’s woke Barb was to suddenly realize she didn’t fit in at the dollhouse, and make a beeline to the real world, because there are obviously no fake, plastic people on these shores! Clearly, Barbie wasn’t going to turn on E! or pass a newsstand while on her enlightened trip to reality.
Sony wouldn’t comment on negotiations, but the movie is still targeted for release next summer, which means Anne’s next chance for an Oscar has to get moving pronto! Amy had to drop out because this thing sounds like a fucking disaster she had scheduling conflicts. Now that she’s just sitting around certainly NOT sticking pins into an Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins voodoo doll, Anne has all the time in the world!
After dating for almost a year and a half, Amy Schumer and her boyfriend Ben Hanisch are done. Amy’s rep announced the news with a very generic statement.
“Amy and Ben have ended their relationship after thoughtful consideration and remain friends.”
Wow, no “It is with a heavy heart…” even? At least dress it up a little. It also kind of sounds like this breakup was the equivalent to a shrug, which is a bit of a surprise. Earlier this month, Howard Stern asked Amy if she was in love with Ben, who she met on a dating app. She replied, “Hell yeah” and said that she would “Maybe” marry him.
Ben Hanisch is a Chicago-based furniture designer, so this could be the last we ever hear of him. Or who knows, maybe he got a taste of sweet lady fame and will attempt to channel that $70 haircut and suburban good looks into an attempt at becoming the next Bachelor. Amy is a famous person, which means she’ll stay single until her publicist starts dropping hints that it’s time to get out there and be seen with someone at whatever next month’s Catch will be.
Since it’s almost summer, I say that Amy should make the most out of it and try to stay unattached until at least September. Summer is a great time to be free and casual. There’s nothing like putting your mouth on as many random mouths that taste like Hawaiian Punch and orange vodka as possible while trying to ignore all the sweat rolling down your business.
Just like Gwyneth Paltrow before them, Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham haven’t been too subtle when it comes to letting people know what they think of the Met Gala. Last year, Amy Schumer crapped all over the Met Gala when she claimed to have told Beyonce that 2016 would be her first and last time going. She also said it felt like punishment, and described everyone as being dressed up like “a bunch of fucking assholes.” Lena Dunham also claimed to have had a crappy time last year because Odell Beckham Jr. failed to hit on her (she later apologized for that).
Amy Schumer gets a lot of flack from all segments of the population for being shrill and annoying, thinking she’s funnier than she is, allegedly being a klepto for jokes, acting as an enabler for Lena Dunham’s privilege, pissing off comedy treasure Tig Notaro, wearing things like this, coming dangerously close to foisting a Barbie movie on us, and so on.
But, like the rest of us, Amy is multi-faceted. And one of those facets is that she’s so grateful for being allowed to piss, that she spends thousands of dollars on a stranger. A mattress store employee let Amy use of the store’s bathroom, so Amy bought her a $2,000 mattress. I hope she didn’t ask to use the mattress store employee’s discount to buy that mattress, because that would render this gesture a little tacky.
Back in December, it was announced that Amy Schumer would be playing Barbie in Sony’s live action Barbie movie. Amy was playing a version of Barbie who doesn’t fit in with all the other Barbies. That minor detail didn’t matter to some people on the internet who though she was too big to be playing any Barbie. Amy didn’t care; she claimed she was “so honored” to be playing such an “icon.” Sony is going to have to find someone else who would be honored to step into Barbie’s iconic hard plastic pink heels, because Amy Schumer is out. Jennifer Coolidge, call your agent!
Amy tells Variety she’s “bummed” about not being able to play Barbie, and she blames it on scheduling conflicts. Production on Barbie was supposed to start on June 23, but that’s right in the middle of her promotional tour for Snatched. After that, Amy begins shooting She Came to Me with Steve Carell and Nicole Kidman. Amy adds that Sony and Mattel have been great partners, and she can’t wait to see the film when it comes out.
Variety says Sony needed to stick to that schedule, because Mattel has merchandise to move. Sony chimed in regarding Amy’s departure. They say they respect and support her decision to leave, and that they look forward to sharing updates on casting.
Not only was Amy supposed to play Barbie, but apparently she also punched up the script. Variety says they have no idea if Sony will keep Amy’s script changes. I have a feeling they probably won’t. An Amy Schumer-ized script really only works if Amy Schumer is saying the words. It’s going to be really awkward hearing whoever ends up playing Barbie warn Ken that her plastic no-crotch smells like a barnyard animal.