Jeannie’s Still Got It

As Elton John, Billy Clinton, a knocked up Fergie Ferg, a long-lost Kardashian named Conchita Wurst, Glamberace, Karolina Kurkova, Kelly Osbourne, Melanie Griffith, Hilary Swank, Amanda Lepore, Carmen Electra and Azealia Banks were on their knees worshiping at her perfect feet, Barbara Eden performed as Jeannie at the Life Ball in Vienna. By “performed,” I mean stood on stage, looked at the audience, did a few of her Jeannie poses and stood on the stage some more. But you know, Barbara Eden could do something heinous like read Chris Brown’s tweets out loud and I’d still give her a standing ovation.

Hillary, better come and get Bill. You know Bill was looking at Barbara Eden in her Jeannie costume and was thinking to himself, “I’d let you rub my lamp. You might not get a genie who’ll grant you three wishes, but you’ll get something else you might like.” Stop it, Bill!

And Barbara Eden is 78! These young hos who are a third of her age could never bring the glamour like she can.

American Hero Charles Ramsey Talks To America’s Sweetheart Anderson Cooper

The Silver Fox is in Cleveland right now to cover the horrifying case of three (and possibly four or more) women who were kidnapped and help captive in a basement for a decade, and yesterday he talked to America’s new favorite storyteller and the women’s rescuer: Charles Ramsey.

Charles basically told Anderson Cooper the same thing he told other reporters. He never saw Amanda Berry before he rescued her and he never knew that the neighbors he had ribs with and listened to salsa music with was a fucked up psychopath. Charles, who is new to the neighborhood, says that at first he thought Amanda Berry was part of a domestic dispute, but he quickly realized that something in the milk was fucked up and he had to help her. Charles also said that the 911 operator acted like a moron (I co-sign) and he waved away all talk of getting a reward. Charles pulled out his paycheck stub and told his new bro, Anderson Cooper, that he’s got a job and any reward money should go to the victims.

Okay, who’s going to start a Kickstarter to get science to clone Charles Ramsey? There’s more than 10 members of the Kartrashian Klan, so we have to clone fast. And we have to keep cloning until we’re living in a world where there’s more Ramseys than Kartrashians.

When the Silver Fox asked Charles Ramsey if he feels like a hero, he said:

“No, no, no. Bro, I’m a Christian, an American, and just like you. We bleed same blood, put our pants on the same way. It’s just that you got to put that – being a coward, and I don’t want to get in nobody’s business. You got to put that away for a minute.”

Charles has gotten two things wrong: Yes, he’s a hero and no, he doesn’t bleed the same blood as the Silver Fox. If Charles said that to you or me, he’d be right. But Anderson Cooper bleeds liquefied silver rainbows and he doesn’t even put his own pants on. When he pulls himself out of his bed of clouds in the morning, tiny elves on scaffolding build a pair of pants made of diamond fabric right onto his legs. But other than that, Charles Ramsey speaks the real truth.

via Towleroad