There used to be a real Crankasaurus Rex on my floor in college who spent his Fridays pregaming with scotch and Fox News and basically screaming about how the country was going to shit because the rest of us were drinking cheap beer and sleeping around and, well, I kind of forget the rest because, well, cheap beer. It was always him face planted outside the dining hall at 3AM because he was too drunk to make it into the chicken finger line, and I’m pretty sure that just about sums up how James Woods works.
James showed he was a Hungry, Hungry Hypocrite the other day for getting all high and mighty about how the love fest between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old in Call Me By Your Name is icky because he claimed it promoted pedophilia. Armie Hammer, who stars in the movie, pointed out James was 64 when he was porking a teenager, and all of gay Twitter did a giant snap in Z formation at the shade of it all. Because these things always snowball, Joan of Arcadia Amber Tamblyn came out of the woodwork to show God is always watching, especially when James tried to pick her up and take her to Vegas when she was sixteen. James has since denied that shit happened, but Amber is back to show not only is God always watching, he’s keeping a logbook, too. Amber screenshot a text exchange with a friend who backed her side of things, and she also warned James that she’s not putting down her shank anytime soon and went in on him in an open letter. Continue reading
Angry hemorrhoid James Woods loves Twitter more than anything. Yesterday James #tooktotwitter to share his outrage about the upcoming movie Call Me By Your Name starring Armie Hammer. It’s about a love affair set in Italy in the 1980’s between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old (per Entertainment Tonight, the age of consent there is 14).
Now, you’d think that James would be On. Board. given his well documented career as a geriatric connoisseur of very young women, but for some reason this particular story set him off. What could it be that has him all up in his feelings? Oh, it’s about two men? I see.
When 53-year-old David Cross and 33-year-old Amber Tamblyn first announced that they were expecting a baby, they did it in a serious way. Amber slipped the news into a super-serious, pro-Hillary Clinton essay she wrote for Glamour magazine. Amber recently had their baby and instead of getting serious, they announced the news in a funnier way. Specifically by making a joke about their daughter’s “name.”
That name is obviously fake, because Amber is best friends with Blake Lively. At least four of those eight random words are on Blake’s fancy-sounding future baby names list, and Amber would never steal that many names from her friend. Sure, maybe Mustard was changed from the more elegant Moutarde, but the general idea is still there. Members of the sisterhood of the traveling pants would never.
Although, this is a Hollywood baby born to two wacky hipster parents, which means there is a chance that baby is actually named Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr. (“Noisey for short!“). If so, the nurse on duty probably didn’t even bat an eye when she filled out their birth certificate. Nurses for famous people have seen it all.
The other Amber Rose, Amber Rose Tamblyn, recently announced that she’s knocked up and her husband of four years David Cross is the father. As you can see from the picture above, Amber and David aren’t regular famous people, they’re cool famous people. So I would never expect them to announce they’re having a baby by posting a cheesy black and white picture on Instagram of David caressing Amber’s bump with both their eyes closed. That’s nowhere close to how they announced the news.
In case sepia filters haven’t completely humped your last nerve raw, here’s a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross’ weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram’d. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I’ve ever seen.
Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David’s hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn’t already boho enough.
And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!
I used to think that the chick from Joan of Arcadia (better known as the daughter of Riff from West Side Fucking Story) and Tobias from Arrested Development were about as random as Dionne from Clueless endorsing Mitt Romney or Nancy Reagan getting into a staring contest with a goose made out of Jell-O. But then when Amber Tamblyn trolled the hell out of Tyrese, they suddenly made sense to me. They’re that couple who always makes your eyes roll into the next table when they make inside jokes during dinner and I bet when Amber gives David Cross the mustache during oral love, he puts his glasses on and starts talking like Ned Flanders. THAT couple.
Well, People says last night, THAT couple promised to love, cherish and always make Ned Flanders voices during coochie eating. 29-year-old Amber Tamblyn married 48-year-old David Cross after being together for around 3 years. This is both of their first times at trying to tame the rabid bitch that is marriage. Yo La Tengo played at their wedding and director Lance Bangs (that’s a hot name) Instagram’d this picture of Amber snorting up David’s neck sweat while they slow danced in front of a stage decorated with a duvet cover.
People basically has zero details in case you cared about details, but I think the only thing any of us should care about is whether or not David Cross wore cut-offs. Oh, and whether or not he snorted a drop of the bad shit under Amber’s dress during the ceremony.