Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
It’s been 11 months and 21 days since Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s divorce was finalized after what felt like decades of tabloid drama. But sadly, just because they are no longer married doesn’t mean we’re free from hearing the most intimate details of their hideous relationship. Johnny is currently suing The Sun for defamation over an April 2008 story which called him a “wife-beater” (the original headline read “How can J.K. Rowling be ‘genuinely happy’ casting wife-beater Johnny Depp in the new Fantastic Beasts film?”). As such, a 471-page deposition is being examined for proof that Johnny abused his wife. The poor clerk who has to work in the courthouse where their divorce records are stored has probably been waiting to take her lunch break since 2016. Can somebody please at least let a bitch step out for a sandwich! According to The Hollywood Reporter, we now know that the couple referred to Johnny as “The Monster” when he was in a mood, and Amber was afraid of him.
Jason Momoa is what you might call a very hot person, and sometimes very hot people get used to being the center of attention. So what happens when a very hot person doesn’t get the attention they’re accustomed to? They pull some Marvel/DC cross-over shenanigans in which Aquaman channels his inner Hulk.
The first red carpet premiere of Aquaman happened yesterday in London. The first reviews of Aquaman have actually been pretty good, which is nice for DC Films and Warner Bros., because anything that helps people forget about the turd titled Justice League is no doubt much appreciated. Sadly that’s where the good reviews end, and the shady ones begin. And I’m of course talking about the couture swim cap Amber Heard wore to the premiere yesterday.
Two years ago, there was some Harry Potter-adjacent casting news that made people almost flip their shit as hard as they did when they cast a black Hermione in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Except this uproar was just a bit more justified. It involved Johnny Depp, the Fantastic Beasts series, and the ongoing abuse allegations. Johnny is finally talking about that time.
British GQ released a Johnny Depp profile that seemed to take everything Rolling Stone did a few months earlier, and did the exact opposite. What we got was a picture of Johnny that made him seem cool, funny, not an alcoholic, responsible with money, and living for his truth. I’m sure Johnny hugged the issue with eyes closed and whispered “Thank you” after he lifted his copy from his mailbox. But one person who clearly didn’t buy British GQ’s power washing of Johnny’s reputation was his ex-wife Amber Heard.