A million years ago (in the 90’s, to be more specific), I knew a lot of teen moms growing up and none of them got paid to be on their own damn TV show. Honestly, the only checks they received came from WIC. That all changed in 2009 when MTV’s reality series Teen Mom introduced a bunch of girls with babies into our lives.
Fast forward to 2017 where one of the moms, Amber Portwood, may be following in fellow Teen Mom alum (and Dlisted patron saint of bad decision making) Farrah Abraham into the lovely world of having protein slurpees chucked into her face (AKA porn).
I’m no expert on incarceration, so I don’t know what life ‘on the inside’ is really like, but I think we can all agree that prison is someplace most of us would never want to go. If television has taught us anything, it’s that prison is a non-stop parade of scary face tattoos, yard stabbings, shower stabbings, dream stabbings (courtesy of an incarcerated Freddy Krueger, who’s serving time for aggravated assault with a knife). In the event you make it out alive, I can only imagine that the first thing you’d do is drive away as fast as you can and go see your family. Then again, Amber Portwood isn’t you or I; now that she’s a free woman, her first order of business is to “go get something good to eat.”
TMZ reports that Amber was recently released from the Rockville Correctional Facility in Indiana after serving time for violating probation in her drug possession arrest. Back in June 2012, a judge told Amber she could choose drug rehab instead of time in the chokey, but she shocked damn near everyone by packing up her best filed toothbrush handle and moving into Cellblock D. After 17 months, Amber was granted early release (which sounds like way you’d describe coming too quickly in a criminal justice system-themed role play) due to good behavior and for completing a few prison courses while serving time.
I think we’ve all misunderstood just how crazy Amber Portwood really is. First, Amber’s home gets searched and cops find weed and crack. Weed is nothing; that’s like drinking Boone’s Farm at a 9th grade house party. But crack?? That’s like chugging a bottle of original Listerine as a stranger pierces your lip with a fishing lure (aka INSANITY). Then Amber gets charged with felony-level domestic violence (aka Drinkin’ n’ Fightin’) and arrested for felony possession of drugs, which means your life is sort-of fucked. A judge takes pity on Amber and tells her all charges will be dropped if she sits in a circle drinking coffee and self-reflecting with other druggie types, but she responds by telling them to throw her ass in jail. Holy shit. Amber enters jail with a ‘let’s fuckin’ do this‘ attitude, makes good with other inmates, takes classes, then leaves prison all ‘NBD, let’s go grab some Jack in the Box.’
I love the crazy Amber of days past, but I really hope she turns shit around this time and stops the fighting and the crack smoking. Keep your head up girl. Put down the bottle. And stay away from Jack in the Box; those Supreme Criossants are pretty much warm breakfast crack (speaking as someone who’s trying to kick a pretty heavy addiction).
(Pics via Splash)