George and Amal Clooney’s twin babies, Ella and Alexander, are just shy of two months old. And until this morning, no one outside of George, Amal, family, friends, and their part-time nannies have seen what Ella and Alexander look like. I could imagine what they looked like: small unbreaded chicken nuggets, maybe. Then a French tabloid called Voici went ahead and solved the mystery by publishing the first blurry shots of the Clooney babies on the cover of their latest issue. George and Amal are extremely pissed about that.
George Clooney’s rep released a statement today saying that Amal Clooney birthed out their twins this morning. I know that the news came from the official rep of the horse’s mouth, but I still won’t believe it until a swarm of locusts crash through my window or until I hear it from the only Clooney baby news source I trust: The Chenbot!
The Daily Mail says that the Clooney twins were born in England and one is a dude and one is a girl. Satan is probably shitting icicles today and that’s because: 1. George Clooney is a literal daddy now. And 2. Two famous people gave their babies completely normal names.
2017’s second-most important set of celebrity twins will soon be upon us, which means it’s time for an update on how George Clooney and Amal Clooney are getting ready. George and Amal are famous people, which means their baby prep is a little fancier than cursing wildly while trying to assemble a Sniglar from IKEA and trying to remember where they put their damn DockATot.
However, just because George and Amal are rich people doesn’t mean they’re currently interviewing a team of nannies so that the paps don’t catch them looking like sleep-deprived zombies during their next photo-op. A source tells E! News that George and Amal won’t be hiring a live-in nanny or a full-time nanny. Instead, they’ll have a short-term night nurse who will help set a sleeping schedule. Amal’s mom Baria Alamuddin will most likely help out with the twins as well.
Amal, who is planning on giving birth in London, will go back to work after six months, but the source says she’ll work mostly from home.
George Clooney’s pre-babies life has been Italian vacations and chugging Casamigos tequila. Twin babies are going to be the most work he’s done in…ever, maybe? George and Amal might not hire a nanny for the babies, but I don’t think it will be long before Amal hires one for George. “George, you must be exhausted. Let’s get you out of those barf-stained clothes and into a hammock for a nap.”
Oh how I missed pictures of George Clooney looking like he’s prairie dogging something major, as Amal Clooney doesn’t notice or care since she’s too busy loving the paps and delivering massive amounts of face, glamour, face, exquisite eyebrows and face to their cameras. I really hope that George kept his moaning about having to shit to a minimum so that Amal could focus on bringing the glamour since one of them has to.
Tonight in Paris, Amal Clooney dressed up her double dome of babies in Atelier Versace to escort her husband to the César Awards (the French Oscars to us Americans). George was there to receive an honorary César for his career, or whatever. Since the French really have an eye for art, I’m going to guess that the career montage that played before Clooney’s speech only contained clips from The Facts of Life, The Golden Girls, Roseanne, Sisters and maybe Out of Sight and Ocean’s Eleven. Who cares about his other crap!
As for Amal’s ensemble, I’m torn. On one hand, she’s dressed like my favorite character from Beauty and the Beast: the feather duster. On the other hand, she’s wearing cream with white and mixing what looks like faux fur with feathers. That’s a major no. The only time I’m kind of okay with seeing fake fur and feathers together is when I’m in the pillow section of a Z Gallerie.
George Clooney is about to go from a no-cares guy in his 50’s to a 55-year-old father to twin babies, and there’s a lot of prep work that needs to be done before that happens. George will need to switch out his crystal tequila glasses for some sturdy plastic cups. He might need to retrofit his favorite motorcycle with a custom-made two-baby sidecar, or – gasp! – trade it in for a double-wide stroller situation. I don’t know if George has checked any of that off his list, but one change he’s making is to the places he and Amal Clooney have graced their presence with in the past.
George and Amal Clooney are still LARPing as our generation’s JFK and Jackie. And that means the clock has started on the non-stop baby news. As we know, Amal is pregnant with twins (which is SO in right now). George’s friend Matt Damon is starting to do press for The Great Wall just as the news of the Clooney twins broke. Matt told Entertainment Tonight Canada that he knew about the twins waaaaay before everyone else did, and he almost cried. Probably because he knew the end of the world is upon us now we’ve seen the final sign of the apocalypse (aka the news that George Clooney is going be a father).