When George Clooney ties the knot with fancy London lawyer Amal Alamuddin (I love typing her name because it always makes me think of a scoop of ice cream drizzled with TGI Friday’s Mudslide mix) it will be more than just a wedding, it will be a baptism. The second George slips another very fancy ring on Amal’s fancy finger and promises to love, honor, and cherish her while wobbling his head in that charming George Clooney way, it will wash away the years he spent whipping around Lake Como with topless 25-year-old party girls on his jet ski.
Well, at least that’s what he thinks will happen. Regina George called up Variety to bitch about his recent wig-snatching fight with The Daily Mail over some not-true comments about his fiancé and her family (mostly about them being ashamed she was marrying Booker from Roseanne) and he didn’t really say anything new, since there are only so many ways you can say “OMG, they’re like, obsessed with me, right? It’s so pathetic.” But he did end the conversation by reminding us that, yeah, Amal is about to get hitched to Booker from Roseanne, saying:
“I’m marrying up.”
Ouch! George, how dare you? I know Amal Alamuddin is a ~very~ fancy lady, but it’s not exactly his first time at the Pure Class and Refined Sophistication Rodeo. Has he already forgotten about Sarah Larson? Stacy Keibler? ELISABETTA CANALIS?!?! Newsflash, George! It’s not technically “marrying up” if you’ve already had the cream of the crop, aka a coke-gobbling Italian showgirl with a tribal armband tattoo.
Pic: Fame Flynet
In an open letter on USA Today, George Clooney has accused the highly-esteemed and future Pulitzer Prize-winning literary journal, The Daily Mail, of printing wet skid marks made of one hundred percent lies. George Clooney better bring all the receipts, because The Daily Mail has never been known to print one lie and they’re research department is as expansive as Dlisted’s research department (FYI: Dlisted’s highly-trained and accurate research department looks like this).
The Daily Mail threw up a story about how Amal Alamuddin’s mother, who they said is Druze, is probably going to tackle George Clooney at the altar to stop the wedding, because she doesn’t want her daughter marrying a non-Druze. The DM’s religion history department also added that Druze people don’t like it when their own marry outside of their religion and Druze brides have been killed for marrying a non-Druze and non-Druze grooms have had their dicks cut off for marrying a Druze. George Clooney says that nothing about The DM’s story is right. Amal Alamuddin’s mother isn’t Druze and she hasn’t been to Beirut since he got engaged to her daughter. Clooney laid it down:
I want to speak to the irresponsibility of Monday’s Daily Mail report. I seldom respond to tabloids, unless it involves someone else and their safety or well being. The Daily Mail has printed a completely fabricated story about my fiancée’s mother opposing our marriage for religious reasons. It says Amal’s mother has been telling “half of Beirut” that she’s against the wedding. It says they joke about traditions in the Druze religion that end up with the death of the bride.
Let me repeat that: the death of the bride.
First of all, none of the story is factually true. Amal’s mother is not Druze. She has not been to Beirut since Amal and I have been dating, and she is in no way against the marriage — but none of that is the issue. I’m, of course, used to the Daily Mail making up stories — they do it several times a week — and I don’t care. If they fabricate stories of Amal being pregnant, or that the marriage will take place on the set of Downton Abbey, or that I’m running for office, or any number of idiotic stories that they sit at their computers and invent, I don’t care.
But this lie involves larger issues. The irresponsibility, in this day and age, to exploit religious differences where none exist, is at the very least negligent and more appropriately dangerous. We have family members all over the world, and the idea that someone would inflame any part of that world for the sole reason of selling papers should be criminal.
Clooney went on to say that he knows The Daily Mail is a drunk, trashy, gossiping whore (yes, that’s what’s listed as “occupation” on my tax returns) who is masquerading as The New York Times, but they’ve gone too, too far this time.
I’m the son of a newsman; I accept the idea that freedom of speech can be an inconvenience to my private life from time to time, but this story, like so many others, is picked up by hundreds of other outlets citing the Daily Mail as their source, including Boston.com, New York Daily News, Gulf News, Emirates 24/7 and so on.
The Daily Mail, more than any other organization that calls itself news, has proved time and time again that facts make no difference in the articles they make up. And when they put my family and my friends in harm’s way, they cross far beyond just a laughable tabloid and into the arena of inciting violence.
They must be so very proud.
The Daily Mail immediately ripped the story down and surprisingly they didn’t replace it with pictures of George Clooney looking “worse for wear” while coming out of a bar and pictures of him “displaying his cellulite” in shorty shorts. They also farted up an apology and response:
“The MailOnline story was not a fabrication but supplied in good faith by a reputable and trusted freelance journalist. She based her story on conversations with a long-standing contact who has strong connections with senior members of the Lebanese community in the UK and the Druze in Beirut. We only became aware of Mr Clooney’s concerns this morning and have launched a full investigation. However, we accept Mr Clooney’s assurance that the story is inaccurate and we apologise to him, Miss Amal Alamuddin and her mother, Baria, for any distress caused. We have removed the article from our website and will be contacting Mr Clooney’s representatives to discuss giving him the opportunity to set the record straight.”
“Investigation.” I’m sure they’ll get right on it. And yes, The Daily Mail’s investigation department is as big as Dlisted’s investigation department and yes, Dlisted’s investigation department is also our research department and you know what that looks like.
“We all co-sign that.” – the world
Many mothers would jump out of their coochies and freak out if they were about to become George Clooney’s mother-in-law, because they’d get to party in Lake Como, do bong hits with Brad Pitt and suck tequila shots off of Rande Gerber’s tit. But Amal Alamuddin’s mom Baria Alamuddin isn’t excited and thinks her successful human-rights lawyer daughter is marrying down by getting with Booker from Roseanne. Whenever Baria sees George Clooney, she makes the same disgusted “Look at the low-class trash my kid dragged in” face that a boyfriend’s mother throws at me when I meet her for the first time.
A source tells The Daily Mail that it’s not really about George Clooney being George Clooney. Amal is a born and raised Druze and her family is really respected in the Druze community. Baria really wants her daughter to marry a Lebanese Druze man instead of a Catholic trick from Kentucky. Druze aren’t supposed to marry non-Druze, so when Amal breaks the planet by marrying George Clooney sometime this Fall, she’ll be kicked out of her religion. The source said this:
“You would think Amal has hit the jackpot with George Clooney, but Baria is not happy. She thinks Amal can do better. She has been telling half of Beirut, in fact anyone that will listen, there are five hundred thousand Druze. Are none of them good enough for her?”
The Mail (where I get all my religious information from) also says that the Druze people are so serious about their own marrying outside of their religion that if a Druze marries a non-Druze, they will spit on that ho and cut them off the same way I’ll cut off one of my family members if I catch them genuinely enjoying an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians while sober. Last year, the male relatives of a Druze woman chopped off the dick of the non-Druze man she married and Amal’s family joked that the same thing is going to happen to George.
“There have a been a few jokes in the family about the same thing happening to George!”
Since Amal is dating one of the most seasoned man sluts in Hollywood, she’s as much of a Druze as I am a Catholic. But really, it would be truly tragic if Amal’s family Christ Bear’d George Clooney at the wedding, because then he’d really, really have a hard time making the kids he doesn’t want. Wait a minute, I see George’s grand plan now!
Once again, George Clooney has consulted his How To Really Sell The Idea That You’re Totally Going To Go Through With This Wedding Thing instruction manual and learned that shortly after you throw an engagement party, the next step is to look for a venue. The Daily Mail (which is shorthand for “Do not bet money on this”) says that George Clooney flew to London on Wednesday and took his fiancé Amal All The Pudding to scope out Highclere Castle, aka DOWNTON ABBEY, as a potential wedding venue. According to a source (the ghost of Pharaoh) Amal doesn’t really watch TV, but she’s a huge Downton Abbey fan, so George asked his Monuments Men co-star Hugh Bonneville, who plays Lord Crawley on Downton, to give them a tour. Because that’s how it works, I guess? Hey Tom Hanks, you were in Apollo 13: give me a tour of NASA.
“‘George loves the idea of marrying at the castle, because it’s a glamorous place he could secure,’ says the source. ‘And the same way Kanye West and Kim’s wedding guests were given a private tour of The Palace of Versailles, a private tour of not only the castle and grounds, but of the famous Egyptian Antique Exhibition in the Castle cellars could be arranged.”
I’m sorry, anonymous source, but did you just name-check The Klump$ in the same sentence as George Clooney? The Dowager Countess would like you to have several tastefully-upholstered seats.
I don’t really believe George Clooney is going to go through with this wedding, because if George Clooney gets married, it will throw the earth off its axis, and he’s too much of a humanitarian to doom the people of earth. BUT if he actually does, I don’t see him getting married at Downton Abbey. It’s too private! He needs to prove to everyone (ie. Vegas bookies) that he actually went through with it, and how can you do that when you’re secluded away in the countryside? On the other hand, there is enough room at Downton Abbey to land a helicopter in case he gets cold feet and needs Brad Pitt to whisk him away like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. “Oh Brad, it was terrible! I almost went through with it!”
When it was announced that George Clooney had slipped a giant Frosted Mini-Wheat of a diamond onto the hitchin’ finger of Amal Alamuddin, it felt like he could have paced himself a bit. After all, a high-profile showmance is a marathon, not a sprint; you need at least 18 months to go from being “caught” by the paps holding hands to walking down the red carpet at the Oscars to having your publicist leak a pregnancy story to finishing with an “amicable” split.
But according to – who else – People, George kept the publicity train chugging full-steam ahead (he must need a couple extra bucks to re-tile the roof of his Italian villa) by throwing an engagement party on Sunday at Cafe Habana in Malibu. In attendance were his BFF Rande Gerber, Cindy Crawford, and Bono and The Edge from U2, who celebrated by toasting with tequila and singing karaoke on the patio. BREAKING NEWS: I think that was the first time tequila and karaoke ever sounded boring.
I honestly thought that ring would be followed by 2 years of “We haven’t set a date yet! We’re so busy!” but it appears Clooney is really committed to making this engagement seem legit. Then again, he could be in too deep and he’s panicking. I saw an episode of Dr. Phil recently where a woman faked a pregnancy for attention, but kept the lie going by faking contractions, checking in to a hospital, and pulling pictures off the internet to use in a birth announcement. That could be Clooney right now! “Oh shit! Shit shit shit, what have I done? I never should have bought a ring! This is totally going to end in a wedding, I know it! Oh god, I’m so fucked.”
Here’s more of George and Amal (Gamal? Amorge? Who cares? Exactly) arriving at their engagement party. I’d like to direct a question to Amal. That tiny pink bow on your shirt: what are we trying to do there?
People Magazine Somehow Got A Well-Lit, Up-Close, Perfectly Posted Picture Of Amal Alamuddin’s Engagement Ring
Poor George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin. They can’t even go to a private dinner party without a photographer and crew (which they invited) setting up lights around them and taking pictures as his publicist moves their arms around to find the perfect pose that looks totally casual and not-at-all staged. Why won’t everybody just leave this totally private couple alone?!
In this week’s issue of People are pictures of George and his brand new fiancee Amal at the birthday dinner party for his best bro friend Rande Gerber in Santa Barbara, CA last weekend. People posted the big version of both pics and in one totally natural pic, he’s clutching onto a glass (that’s probably filled with prop champagne) as they both make the same far-off look your kid makes when they get their picture taken and the photographer’s assistant waves a stuffed animal at them. The second picture is a close-up of Amal’s 7-carat emerald cut diamond ring. The pictures almost make Kim Kardashian’s televised wedding look like a last-minute elopement.
We get it. George Clooney is a private person who would never whore out pictures of his fiancee’s engagement ring for attention, but those pictures are about as subtle as a Heidi and Spencer production. It would’ve been much more subtle if Amal would’ve come out of The Ivy with Phoebe Price and Courtney Stodden and just as they got to the swarm of paparazzi that George’s publicist called, the macaroni and cheese she ate suddenly gave her a case of heartburn and she clutched her chest while “accidentally” showing off her ring. What an amateur job. George should’ve consulted with seasoned STUNT QUEENS to learn how to do it right.
People also has EXCLUSIVO details of the engagement:
In PEOPLE’s cover story, sources reveal more details of the surprise engagement. On April 22, Clooney proposed the traditional way – on bended knee.
The actor had visited Dubai in March to meet his Lebanese-born, Oxford-educated leading lady’s family, spending time on a yacht excursion with her siblings, says a relative of Alamuddin’s.
“They found George very easy to get along with, cool,” the family member tells PEOPLE. “They felt at ease with him immediately.”
I’m sure we’ll see the touching proposal in their reality show, I mean “docu-series,” on OWN.
If you told your job that you’re engaged, your boss would probably slowly bust out a manufactured smile before telling you that you better not be planning a late-summer wedding because the third quarter books aren’t going to wrap up by themselves. But when Amal Alamuddin (Side Note: And I still read her name as Anal a la Muddin, which sounds like something you’d find on the services menu of a rent boy who gets into scat play for the right price.) gets engaged to George Clooney, her job lets the world know that it’s true, one of their lawyers is getting married to the dude whose dick would curl up into the fetal position every time it heard the word “marriage.” Doughty Street Chambers released this statement to everybody:
“The barristers and staff of Doughty Street Chambers offer their best wishes and congratulations to Ms. Amal Alamuddin, a member of Chambers, and Mr. George Clooney on their engagement to be married.”
George Clooney’s mom Nina Clooney also confirmed he’s engaged to The Daily Mail:
“You can say I’m extremely happy, Amal’s a lovely girl. I like her very much.”
At first I thought that George Clooney was just looking for some attention or found out he’s going to die in a few months, but it kind of makes sense to me now. George is getting old and when we all get old, we want someone in our lives who swore to the gods above that they’d wipe the drool off of our face, help us off the toilet after we peed sitting down and give us an unwrapped Werther’s Original before changing the bed sheets we accidentally pissed on in the middle of the night. George Clooney decided he should probably get someone who is highly educated. I mean, would you trust Sarah Larson to quickly unwrap a Wether’s Original for you without asking, “How do I unwrap this Werther’s Original?“
An Icicle Forms In Hell: George Clooney Might Be Engaged To Amal Alamuddin (UPDATE: People Says It’s True)
The Weather Channel in HELL reports that there’s a 50% chance that a severe ice storm will hit and freeze off all of the assholes on Lucifer’s minions. Because People and UsWeekly both say that the severe marriagephobe, who made it sound like he’d rather stick his tongue up Steve Wynn’s hairy asshole while screaming, “I HATE OBAMA,” over and over again than get married, got engaged to his piece of a few months Amal Alamuddin. If you happen to see three bald crazy women running down the street while screaming, don’t pay them any attention. It’s just Stacy Keibler, Sarah Larson and Elisabetta Canalis. They their minds and tore all of their hair out, because they weren’t even allowed to think of the word “marriage” while in Clooney’s presence and now the bastard might be engaged.
UsWeekly thinks that George might’ve given fancy British lawyer Amal a ring while they were on vacation in Cabo. Three nights ago, they were having dinner together at Craig’s in West Hollywood and some witness type says they were “toasting to their engagement.” George supposedly even told a stranger having dinner near them that they got engaged. George and Amal started casually dating last October but shit got serious a few months later. Some source spit this out about the two:
“This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever seen George in. He seems incredibly happy, and Amal is such a sweet and intelligent girl, who has her own thoughts and ideas and doesn’t just bow down to everything he says.”
People says that Amal’s been wearing a big, shiny ring on THAT finger. Clooney’s rep had nothing to say about this.
If this is true (which it probably isn’t), then I’ll choose to believe that Michelle Pfeiffer wants that $100,000 George promised to pay her if he ever gets married and she got Amal Alamuddin to get him to propose to her. On his wedding day, George won’t find his bride at the altar, but he will find an invoice for $100,000 from Michelle. George is probably just trolling for attention, or his doctor told him he only has 2 months to live and he decided to take the rest of humanity with him by bringing on the apocalypse.
UPDATE: Some source tells People that it’s true and it didn’t happen that long ago.
“George and Amal are trying to keep things very low-key but they also aren’t really trying to hide this, it doesn’t seem. I think it’s like they want the people they love to know that this is real, that they plan on being together forever.”
George Clooney with the same trick forever and ever?! To the aliens who are pranking humanity by replacing George Clooney with a clone who has been programmed to want marriage; I like the way you think.
This awards season hasn’t been the same without George Clooney sashaying on red carpet after red carpet with a tall drink of MEH in a borrowed Tadashi gown. Did award season really happen if we didn’t get at least one shot of George Clooney’s escort-of-the-moment awkwardly contorting her face when a reporter asks her about marriage? Well, just because Clooney hasn’t been hitting the award shows with a mostly mute piece who is young enough to call him daddy and mean it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a new piece. People says that he’s been dating someone and he really switched up the game this time, because she’s a fancy British lawyer. Today, the floors of every Las Vegas casino are filled with the broken dreams of cocktail waitresses who wanted to believe they were next.
People says that at a White House screening of that shitty-ass-looking The Monuments Men, 52-year-old Clooney brought one of Julian Assange’s lawyers, 36-year-old Amal Alamuddin, as his date. The Daily Mail has a picture of her standing next to him and it looks like drunk ass Joe Biden took that picture with a potato. They held hands at the screening and afterward they went to the Willard Hotel’s Round Robin & Scotch Bar for a drink with the cast and they were on each other like a Lohan nostril on a pile of coke.
“His arm was around her shoulder and she had hers around his. They just seemed very, very together. They were stuck like glue.”
Clooney and Amal were first seen together last October at a restaurant in London.
Blah, blah, blah… Amal Alamuddin (Side Note: I’m calling dibs on the porn name Anal ala Muddin’) has a fancy job, has fancy degrees from fancy schools, probably has fancy friends and has a fancy eyebrow situation that was probably created by a fancy eyebrow artiste, but she will never be half as elegant and sophisticated as my all-time favorite Clooney girlfriend. Now is the right time to remind everyone to never forget the demure Sarah Larson.
File that classic imagine under: beautiful sights you can see almost any time of the day at the Señor Frog’s in Ensenada. No, seriously if you went there now you’d probably see Sarah Larson doing just that. What a fucking lady.