George Clooney was given a humanitarian award at the Celebrity Fight Night Gala in Florence, Italy last Sunday night and during his speech, he let it be known that he’s getting married in Venice in a couple of weeks and he can’t wait to be Mr. Amal Alamuddin. This is the same George Clooney who would terminate his full-time awards show escort’s contract and put her on a bus headed for The Clooney House For Wayward Hos if the m-word so much as crossed her mind. The video of George Clooney’s love speech is out and it’s been making the rounds. It’s not as ~druh-matic~ or ~thi-atrical~ as I thought it would. I figured that while George Clooney creamed about becoming a married man, a band played the instrumental version of Extreme’s “More Than Words” as dancers danced an interpretive dance about George and Amal’s love. I also figured that at the end of his speech, “George Clooney” pulled off his face and revealed that he’s actually an alien who has kidnapped the real George Clooney and this has all been a trick. That didn’t happen, yet.
Here’s the video courtesy of E!. It took me a second to realize that Smuggly McSmuggy wasn’t giving a speech in a banquet hall storage room.
That woman gushing…. Why didn’t my mom tell me she was in Venice, Italy on Sunday night?
In other Clooney news, The Guardian says that he will guest star on a Christmas episode of Downton Abbey. He’ll play a guest at a wedding. I can’t wait to see the GIFs of The Dowager Countess throwing a scorching side-eye as George Clooney jumps on a settee while screaming about how much he LOVES THAT WOMAN.
Since awards show season is two queefs away, Amal Alamuddin (or “Amal Elmerfudding” as my mom mispronounces while talking about how that trick stole her man) practiced her role as George Clooney’s permanent red carpet escort at an event in Florence, Italy last night. Alalooney made their red carpet debut as a couple at a charity event benefiting the Andrea Bocelli Foundation and the Muhammad Ali Parkinson Center. Clooney was awarded the Andrea Bocelli Humanitarian Award and during his speech, he told the audience that in two weeks in Venice, Italy, Brad Pitt will look up in the sky and giggle before saying, “Heh, ribbit ribbits are falling from the sky.” No, Brad won’t be seeing things, because he’ll be stoned out of his skull. Actual toads will fall from the sky in Venice, because George Clooney becoming somebody’s husband again is the final sign of the rapture.
Everyone figured that Alalooney would get married at his house in Lake Como, because next to George Clooney, George Clooney’s favorite thing in life is that house in Lake Como. But nope, Clooney said that he’s marrying Amal in Venice at the end of the month. via E! News:
“He said he is an honorary 12-year resident of Italy and then said they were getting married in Venice,” a source said. “He also said to Amal [from the podium], ‘I love you very much.’”
Sources also tell E! News that Clooney revealed the wedding will take place in a couple of weeks.
Maybe Clooney is trying to throw the media off and he’s getting married somewhere else, but damn, everyone in the audience must’ve been drowning in sappy shit, because his ass laid it on thick. Clooney was an ugly, yeast infection-colored leather couch away from couch jumping.
George Clooney is an oh-so-private person, so I doubt he would spit out the date, time and venue location of his wedding. I’m sure he was just pulling the media’s dick. Clooney and Amal’s wedding will probably be very private and intimate and what I mean by that is that they’ll probably get married on the red carpet at the Oscars next year.
George Clooney Has Invited Anna Wintour To His Wedding, Which Means It Will Probably Be Featured In Vogue
Raise your hand if you just pictured a stoned Brad Pitt with pieces of wedding cake mashed into his beard elbowing a feminine-looking Montgomery Burns out of the better spot to catch the bouquet. Just me? Okay then.
According to Page Six, Anna Wintour will be a guest at the wedding between fancy human rights lawyer-type Amal Alamuddin and the nipple suit-wearing Batman George Clooney in Italy next month. A source claims that Anna got an invite because she hooked up Amal with a custom gown by Anna’s close friend Oscar de la Renta, and that she plans to feature the wedding in an upcoming issue of Vogue. Oooooh! Sounds like someone is desperately trying to crawl back out of the shame pit she threw herself in when she put the Cheap & Tacky Twins on the cover back in April. Too bad, Kaa from The Jungle Book, but the internet NEVER FORGETS.
The source also says that Anna will 100% be there to watch George and Amal cut the cake and drunk dance to YMCA while an obnoxious Craigslist DJ named MC Sweet Jamz screams into a mic “COME ON GRANDMA RUTH, GET YOUR ASS ON THE DANCE FLOOR!” (I wish – that’s more like the wedding of George Clooney and Sarah Larson) even though the wedding will take place in the middle of all the fancy European fashion shows. That’s how committed she is to making it up to him for the time she put George on the June 2000 cover with Gisele Bundchen looking like a cheesy prom photo from Mermaid High.
And speaking of Sarah Larson…do you think if George wasn’t marrying such a posh lady, he’d still get a spread in Vogue? You’re right, of course he wouldn’t; the pages of Vogue wouldn’t be able to handle all the refined taste and class that comes from a photo shot by Annie Leibovitz of that hot skanky mess Elisabetta Canalis in a white lace bridal bikini, trying to remove her own garter with her teeth.
Dlisted reader Susan sent in this picture she took today outside of Chelsea Town Hall in London of the announcement that Amal Ramzi Alamuddin and George Timothy Clooney got their asses a marriage license and plan to get married in Italy. I didn’t know that in London marriage licenses are announced on a piece of paper behind glass outside of town hall. I thought that a messenger wearing a fancy coat and a fancy hat with a fancy feather sticking out of it stood at the top of the stairs, pulled out a scroll and read, “Here ye, here ye, here ye! Oxford-educated international human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin has obtained a license to marry Booker from Roseanne. May the failed tears of gold digging, fame whore cocktail waitresses commence!” That announcement is kind of like a magic eye poster. If you stare at it long enough, you’ll see four horsemen galloping toward you while farting out four swarms of locusts.
Ellen Barkin recently threw a bridal shower for Amal in NYC and Amal was in Italy a few days ago, so the wedding will probably happen soon. If it’s reported that a Pig Pen-like dirt cloud of butt jelly fumes, fleas and weed smoke is hovering above Lake Como, prepare your end-of-the-world bunker. Because that Pig Pen-like dirt cloud of butt jelly fumes, fleas and weed smoke could only mean one thing: Brad Pitt is in Italy, which means that George Clooney will summon the rapture by saying “I do” at the altar.
And in other Clooney news, Roseanne was on The Talk the other day and she said that a picture of George Clooney’s dick in Groucho Marx glasses is somewhere out there. When Clooney was on Roseanne, he supposedly took a picture of his dick and slapped it on the side of Conner’s fridge.
“You know, we used to have a few cocktails after we wrapped on the set there, just the adults… But uh, George took a picture of his, um, wiener. He had these Groucho glasses and he put the Groucho glasses so the wiener was the nose. He put it on the fridge [on the set]. We would laugh at it all the time and about the second day it disappeared. Somebody took it. I thought it would surface by now. Maybe they didn’t know it was George Clooney.”
I really hope that picture is his wedding invitation.
When George Clooney ties the knot with fancy London lawyer Amal Alamuddin (I love typing her name because it always makes me think of a scoop of ice cream drizzled with TGI Friday’s Mudslide mix) it will be more than just a wedding, it will be a baptism. The second George slips another very fancy ring on Amal’s fancy finger and promises to love, honor, and cherish her while wobbling his head in that charming George Clooney way, it will wash away the years he spent whipping around Lake Como with topless 25-year-old party girls on his jet ski.
Well, at least that’s what he thinks will happen. Regina George called up Variety to bitch about his recent wig-snatching fight with The Daily Mail over some not-true comments about his fiancé and her family (mostly about them being ashamed she was marrying Booker from Roseanne) and he didn’t really say anything new, since there are only so many ways you can say “OMG, they’re like, obsessed with me, right? It’s so pathetic.” But he did end the conversation by reminding us that, yeah, Amal is about to get hitched to Booker from Roseanne, saying:
“I’m marrying up.”
Ouch! George, how dare you? I know Amal Alamuddin is a ~very~ fancy lady, but it’s not exactly his first time at the Pure Class and Refined Sophistication Rodeo. Has he already forgotten about Sarah Larson? Stacy Keibler? ELISABETTA CANALIS?!?! Newsflash, George! It’s not technically “marrying up” if you’ve already had the cream of the crop, aka a coke-gobbling Italian showgirl with a tribal armband tattoo.
Pic: Fame Flynet
In an open letter on USA Today, George Clooney has accused the highly-esteemed and future Pulitzer Prize-winning literary journal, The Daily Mail, of printing wet skid marks made of one hundred percent lies. George Clooney better bring all the receipts, because The Daily Mail has never been known to print one lie and they’re research department is as expansive as Dlisted’s research department (FYI: Dlisted’s highly-trained and accurate research department looks like this).
The Daily Mail threw up a story about how Amal Alamuddin’s mother, who they said is Druze, is probably going to tackle George Clooney at the altar to stop the wedding, because she doesn’t want her daughter marrying a non-Druze. The DM’s religion history department also added that Druze people don’t like it when their own marry outside of their religion and Druze brides have been killed for marrying a non-Druze and non-Druze grooms have had their dicks cut off for marrying a Druze. George Clooney says that nothing about The DM’s story is right. Amal Alamuddin’s mother isn’t Druze and she hasn’t been to Beirut since he got engaged to her daughter. Clooney laid it down:
I want to speak to the irresponsibility of Monday’s Daily Mail report. I seldom respond to tabloids, unless it involves someone else and their safety or well being. The Daily Mail has printed a completely fabricated story about my fiancée’s mother opposing our marriage for religious reasons. It says Amal’s mother has been telling “half of Beirut” that she’s against the wedding. It says they joke about traditions in the Druze religion that end up with the death of the bride.
Let me repeat that: the death of the bride.
First of all, none of the story is factually true. Amal’s mother is not Druze. She has not been to Beirut since Amal and I have been dating, and she is in no way against the marriage — but none of that is the issue. I’m, of course, used to the Daily Mail making up stories — they do it several times a week — and I don’t care. If they fabricate stories of Amal being pregnant, or that the marriage will take place on the set of Downton Abbey, or that I’m running for office, or any number of idiotic stories that they sit at their computers and invent, I don’t care.
But this lie involves larger issues. The irresponsibility, in this day and age, to exploit religious differences where none exist, is at the very least negligent and more appropriately dangerous. We have family members all over the world, and the idea that someone would inflame any part of that world for the sole reason of selling papers should be criminal.
Clooney went on to say that he knows The Daily Mail is a drunk, trashy, gossiping whore (yes, that’s what’s listed as “occupation” on my tax returns) who is masquerading as The New York Times, but they’ve gone too, too far this time.
I’m the son of a newsman; I accept the idea that freedom of speech can be an inconvenience to my private life from time to time, but this story, like so many others, is picked up by hundreds of other outlets citing the Daily Mail as their source, including Boston.com, New York Daily News, Gulf News, Emirates 24/7 and so on.
The Daily Mail, more than any other organization that calls itself news, has proved time and time again that facts make no difference in the articles they make up. And when they put my family and my friends in harm’s way, they cross far beyond just a laughable tabloid and into the arena of inciting violence.
They must be so very proud.
The Daily Mail immediately ripped the story down and surprisingly they didn’t replace it with pictures of George Clooney looking “worse for wear” while coming out of a bar and pictures of him “displaying his cellulite” in shorty shorts. They also farted up an apology and response:
“The MailOnline story was not a fabrication but supplied in good faith by a reputable and trusted freelance journalist. She based her story on conversations with a long-standing contact who has strong connections with senior members of the Lebanese community in the UK and the Druze in Beirut. We only became aware of Mr Clooney’s concerns this morning and have launched a full investigation. However, we accept Mr Clooney’s assurance that the story is inaccurate and we apologise to him, Miss Amal Alamuddin and her mother, Baria, for any distress caused. We have removed the article from our website and will be contacting Mr Clooney’s representatives to discuss giving him the opportunity to set the record straight.”
“Investigation.” I’m sure they’ll get right on it. And yes, The Daily Mail’s investigation department is as big as Dlisted’s investigation department and yes, Dlisted’s investigation department is also our research department and you know what that looks like.
“We all co-sign that.” – the world
Many mothers would jump out of their coochies and freak out if they were about to become George Clooney’s mother-in-law, because they’d get to party in Lake Como, do bong hits with Brad Pitt and suck tequila shots off of Rande Gerber’s tit. But Amal Alamuddin’s mom Baria Alamuddin isn’t excited and thinks her successful human-rights lawyer daughter is marrying down by getting with Booker from Roseanne. Whenever Baria sees George Clooney, she makes the same disgusted “Look at the low-class trash my kid dragged in” face that a boyfriend’s mother throws at me when I meet her for the first time.
A source tells The Daily Mail that it’s not really about George Clooney being George Clooney. Amal is a born and raised Druze and her family is really respected in the Druze community. Baria really wants her daughter to marry a Lebanese Druze man instead of a Catholic trick from Kentucky. Druze aren’t supposed to marry non-Druze, so when Amal breaks the planet by marrying George Clooney sometime this Fall, she’ll be kicked out of her religion. The source said this:
“You would think Amal has hit the jackpot with George Clooney, but Baria is not happy. She thinks Amal can do better. She has been telling half of Beirut, in fact anyone that will listen, there are five hundred thousand Druze. Are none of them good enough for her?”
The Mail (where I get all my religious information from) also says that the Druze people are so serious about their own marrying outside of their religion that if a Druze marries a non-Druze, they will spit on that ho and cut them off the same way I’ll cut off one of my family members if I catch them genuinely enjoying an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians while sober. Last year, the male relatives of a Druze woman chopped off the dick of the non-Druze man she married and Amal’s family joked that the same thing is going to happen to George.
“There have a been a few jokes in the family about the same thing happening to George!”
Since Amal is dating one of the most seasoned man sluts in Hollywood, she’s as much of a Druze as I am a Catholic. But really, it would be truly tragic if Amal’s family Christ Bear’d George Clooney at the wedding, because then he’d really, really have a hard time making the kids he doesn’t want. Wait a minute, I see George’s grand plan now!
Once again, George Clooney has consulted his How To Really Sell The Idea That You’re Totally Going To Go Through With This Wedding Thing instruction manual and learned that shortly after you throw an engagement party, the next step is to look for a venue. The Daily Mail (which is shorthand for “Do not bet money on this”) says that George Clooney flew to London on Wednesday and took his fiancé Amal All The Pudding to scope out Highclere Castle, aka DOWNTON ABBEY, as a potential wedding venue. According to a source (the ghost of Pharaoh) Amal doesn’t really watch TV, but she’s a huge Downton Abbey fan, so George asked his Monuments Men co-star Hugh Bonneville, who plays Lord Crawley on Downton, to give them a tour. Because that’s how it works, I guess? Hey Tom Hanks, you were in Apollo 13: give me a tour of NASA.
“‘George loves the idea of marrying at the castle, because it’s a glamorous place he could secure,’ says the source. ‘And the same way Kanye West and Kim’s wedding guests were given a private tour of The Palace of Versailles, a private tour of not only the castle and grounds, but of the famous Egyptian Antique Exhibition in the Castle cellars could be arranged.”
I’m sorry, anonymous source, but did you just name-check The Klump$ in the same sentence as George Clooney? The Dowager Countess would like you to have several tastefully-upholstered seats.
I don’t really believe George Clooney is going to go through with this wedding, because if George Clooney gets married, it will throw the earth off its axis, and he’s too much of a humanitarian to doom the people of earth. BUT if he actually does, I don’t see him getting married at Downton Abbey. It’s too private! He needs to prove to everyone (ie. Vegas bookies) that he actually went through with it, and how can you do that when you’re secluded away in the countryside? On the other hand, there is enough room at Downton Abbey to land a helicopter in case he gets cold feet and needs Brad Pitt to whisk him away like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. “Oh Brad, it was terrible! I almost went through with it!”
When it was announced that George Clooney had slipped a giant Frosted Mini-Wheat of a diamond onto the hitchin’ finger of Amal Alamuddin, it felt like he could have paced himself a bit. After all, a high-profile showmance is a marathon, not a sprint; you need at least 18 months to go from being “caught” by the paps holding hands to walking down the red carpet at the Oscars to having your publicist leak a pregnancy story to finishing with an “amicable” split.
But according to – who else – People, George kept the publicity train chugging full-steam ahead (he must need a couple extra bucks to re-tile the roof of his Italian villa) by throwing an engagement party on Sunday at Cafe Habana in Malibu. In attendance were his BFF Rande Gerber, Cindy Crawford, and Bono and The Edge from U2, who celebrated by toasting with tequila and singing karaoke on the patio. BREAKING NEWS: I think that was the first time tequila and karaoke ever sounded boring.
I honestly thought that ring would be followed by 2 years of “We haven’t set a date yet! We’re so busy!” but it appears Clooney is really committed to making this engagement seem legit. Then again, he could be in too deep and he’s panicking. I saw an episode of Dr. Phil recently where a woman faked a pregnancy for attention, but kept the lie going by faking contractions, checking in to a hospital, and pulling pictures off the internet to use in a birth announcement. That could be Clooney right now! “Oh shit! Shit shit shit, what have I done? I never should have bought a ring! This is totally going to end in a wedding, I know it! Oh god, I’m so fucked.”
Here’s more of George and Amal (Gamal? Amorge? Who cares? Exactly) arriving at their engagement party. I’d like to direct a question to Amal. That tiny pink bow on your shirt: what are we trying to do there?
People Magazine Somehow Got A Well-Lit, Up-Close, Perfectly Posted Picture Of Amal Alamuddin’s Engagement Ring
Poor George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin. They can’t even go to a private dinner party without a photographer and crew (which they invited) setting up lights around them and taking pictures as his publicist moves their arms around to find the perfect pose that looks totally casual and not-at-all staged. Why won’t everybody just leave this totally private couple alone?!
In this week’s issue of People are pictures of George and his brand new fiancee Amal at the birthday dinner party for his best bro friend Rande Gerber in Santa Barbara, CA last weekend. People posted the big version of both pics and in one totally natural pic, he’s clutching onto a glass (that’s probably filled with prop champagne) as they both make the same far-off look your kid makes when they get their picture taken and the photographer’s assistant waves a stuffed animal at them. The second picture is a close-up of Amal’s 7-carat emerald cut diamond ring. The pictures almost make Kim Kardashian’s televised wedding look like a last-minute elopement.
We get it. George Clooney is a private person who would never whore out pictures of his fiancee’s engagement ring for attention, but those pictures are about as subtle as a Heidi and Spencer production. It would’ve been much more subtle if Amal would’ve come out of The Ivy with Phoebe Price and Courtney Stodden and just as they got to the swarm of paparazzi that George’s publicist called, the macaroni and cheese she ate suddenly gave her a case of heartburn and she clutched her chest while “accidentally” showing off her ring. What an amateur job. George should’ve consulted with seasoned STUNT QUEENS to learn how to do it right.
People also has EXCLUSIVO details of the engagement:
In PEOPLE’s cover story, sources reveal more details of the surprise engagement. On April 22, Clooney proposed the traditional way – on bended knee.
The actor had visited Dubai in March to meet his Lebanese-born, Oxford-educated leading lady’s family, spending time on a yacht excursion with her siblings, says a relative of Alamuddin’s.
“They found George very easy to get along with, cool,” the family member tells PEOPLE. “They felt at ease with him immediately.”
I’m sure we’ll see the touching proposal in their reality show, I mean “docu-series,” on OWN.