We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
Lena Dunham has said 9.6 billion times that she’s proud of her body and doesn’t care what people think of it. What she does care about is when someone tries to mess with a picture of her body in post-production. Lena has slapped at magazines in the past when she thinks they’ve pulled a cut-and-paste fast one on her body. This time she’s clapping long and loud for Glamour magazine for choosing to not Photoshop out her cellulite.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Cate Blanchett was at the Tony Awards in NYC last night, because she’s making her Broadway debut later this year in a show that isn’t Hamilton. (I know, why are other shows even bothering?) Judging by that butchered-up look on Cate Blanchett’s body, I’m guessing that she was also there, because she knew that most thi-turr people play it safe by wearing the most boring dress at Lord & Taylor, so she needed to give the public something that’ll hurt their eyeballs and make their retinas curl. Thank you, Cate!
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
You know that right before the reception, Allison Williams’ daddy Brian Williams was like “Honey, please tell me there isn’t going to be a garter toss. I really can’t handle watching anything else of yours get tossed.”
So Peter Pan made it legal with her rich-ass internet boyfriend yesterday. According to Page Six, Brian Williams’ kid and College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veen, a dude who totally sounds like the 13-year-old villain in a direct-to-DVD Air Bud movie, got married in a fancy secret wedding at a Wyoming ranch. Apparently they wanted to keep it ~so~ secret, so they had all their guests fly to Denver, where they were driven three hours into the middle of horsie country. After they got hitched, Allison threw up a picture of her and Ricky looking like Wedding Day Midge & Allen dolls on Instagram.
They also had a fancy-ass guests list too. Page Six says that Allison and Ricky’s wedding was officiated by Tom Hanks and Ricky’s BFF John Mayer performed. This would be where I’d normally make a “Dear bridesmaids who banged John Mayer under the cake table last night: you’re going to need some cream for that rash” joke. But John’s ex Katy Perry was also there, and you know what happens when you get drunk at a wedding with your ex (ie. you fuck under the cake table).
Other guests included all the Girls girls (Lena Dunham, Jemima Kirke, Zosia Mamet), Anna Wintour’s kid, Rita Wilson, and Andy Cohen. But I’m sure if you ask Brian Williams, the guest list included Jesus, Santa, all 44 Presidents of the United States, Forrest Gump (okay, that one is technically true), Jiff the Pom, and the Honey Nut Cheerios bee.