Last night, Alison Brie, Alison’s husband Dave Franco, and Dave’s brother James Franco all attended the SAG Awards in Los Angeles. James skipped the red carpet, but someone from the family had to take on the thankless job of fielding all the awkward questions about him on the red carpet. That honor fell on Alison. A choice that I’m sure was made democratically by drawing straws in the limo on the ride over, and not because James didn’t want to risk his damage control being delivered as “Yo, man, the allegations are, like…very un-rad, dude.”
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
After being engaged for what felt like forever (2015, truly simpler times), Dave Franco and Alison Brie have gotten married. Dave and Alison seem kind of private, so it’s not like they were going to leap onto the cover of People with a headline screaming “OUR MARRIAGE JOY! 14-picture wedding album inside.” No, instead reps for Dave and Alison simply confirmed that they got married and that’s it.
Dave talked about their future marriage to Entertainment Tonight last June, and he made it seem like neither of them are big on wedding traditions or formality. They’re both sort of goofy people as well, so I really want to believe that Dave showed up to his wedding shirtless and covered in oil, and Alison walked down the aisle in a white lace version of her GLOW leotard.
But what’s really important is the role Dave’s brother James Franco played in the wedding. I’m sure that while Dave and Alison were casually shrugging about their wedding (“Crab puffs? Eh, sure“), James had a 30-point plan of high-art attention-grabbing and spotlight-stealing. Did James slip the wedding officiant a greasy $100 and perform the ceremony in Tommy Wiseau drag? Did James sing a trap version of At Last as a character called Etta James Franco? I’m sure we’ll have all those answers and more at the premiere of James’ next experimental art film, Wedding Cake Fuckers (Yes I Tried to Fuck the Cake).
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
My brain is a wet mound of useless information and I usually know whose genitals are currently touching, but either I didn’t know or I forgot that nerd boner-inducer Alison Brie and Dave Franco are a thing. Dave and Alison have apparently been bumping nipples full-time since early 2012 and now she’s going to be James Franco’s sister-in-law. I don’t know how this happened, but it’s happening. E! News has a picture of Alison at the premiere of her new movie Sleeping With Other People and on her hitchin’ finger is an engagement ring. Alison’s rep told E! that it’s true.
I can exclusively report that the Community star and Neighbors funny man are engaged. Brie’s rep confirms the big news.
Brie, 32, and Franco, 30, have reportedly been dating since January 2012. The two have remained tight-lipped about their relationship. In fact, they’re so private that it’s difficult to find photos of the two of them together. In the spring, they both attended the Met Gala, but didn’t walk the carpet separately
They’ve been together for over 3 years, which is 100 years in Hollywood time, so they probably figured that they had a good run and should ruin their relationship by getting married. No, I’m sure they’ll be together forever as long as Alison knows that no matter how hard she tries, she’ll never fuck Dave Franco as good as Dave Franco fucks Dave Franco.
And hopefully during their wedding ceremony, the officiant will make Alison repeat the words, “I promise to love you, cherish you and prune your overgrown Eddie Munster brows with a damn machete.”