Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.
While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.
And now they’re all at Cannes together!
I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.
I know I should probably make a joke about Kristen Stewart’s tongue sticking out of her mouth like that, but I’m too busy thinking about how sad the paps will be when they find out that they will no longer be needed to photograph Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile’s daily coffee runs.
The last time we checked in on who Kristen Stewart was bumping her vertical sneer against, she was proudly telling you to Google her name and count the 8,204,261 pictures of her and Alicia Cargile that come up. But according to Radar, your search is going to start returning 404 – Not Found errors, because the vague gayelle love between Kristen and Alicia is dead. A source tells Radar that KStew and ACar have “officially ended their relationship” after coming to a mutual decision. The source adds that it was an “amicable breakup.” But of course it was! It’s always amicable. There goes my hope of hearing that Alicia caught Kristen in someone else’s coochie jar and responded by dramatically throwing all her black t-shirts onto the front lawn.
As for the reason why Kristen and Alicia took a match to their relationship, the source claims it was because KStew is so busy and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. OK, I believe that one; looking mopey and shrugging apathetically is a full-time job that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for extracurriculars. Alicia apparently also didn’t like being Kristen’s carry-on.
“Alicia does not want to be a part of her jet-setting life anymore.”
Damn, you know it’s over over when you’re willing to give up that private jet lifestyle. Alicia’s going to realize she made a big, huge mistake once she goes back to flying commercial and finds herself sipping on a lukewarm cup of Sprite while sandwiched between the toilet and a kid playing Eden xo’s “The Weekend” on repeat with no headphones. Alicia, it’s not too late! I’m sure she’ll take you back!
It’s pretty obvious that Kristen Stewart is bumping vagines with Alicia Cargile, but she hasn’t exactly posed for a “Yup, I Love Puss” cover of People Magazine. In an interview with Nylon to promote that American Ultra movie, the humanized drool stain made it perfectly clear that she’s not going to come running out of the closet while waving a rainbow flag, because she’s not in the closet and she’s not going to confirm she’s bi unless she’s ready to be an advocate or some shit.
KStew sort of quoted Courtenay Semel when she said to Google her, you dumb fuck, if you want to know if she’s into coochie.
“Google me, I’m not hiding. If you feel like you really want to define yourself, and you have the ability to articulate those parameters and that in itself defines you, then do it. But I am an actress, man. I live in the fucking ambiguity of this life and I love it. I don’t feel like it would be true for me to be like, ‘I’m coming out!’ No, I do a job. Until I decide that I’m starting a foundation or that I have some perspective or opinion that other people should be receiving…I don’t. I’m just a kid making movies.
I think in three or four years, there are going to be a whole lot more people who don’t think it’s necessary to figure out if you’re gay or straight. It’s like, just do your thing.”
Well, if you Google, “Is Kristen Stewart bi-sexual?“, the front page has a few headlines including “Kristen Stewart Is Bisexual” and “Kristen Stewart Is Not Bisexual.” If you Google, “Does Kristen Stewart like coochie?”, you get a bunch of posts from Dlisted, a shady site you should never trust. So I’m more confused than ever. Googling her didn’t clear anything up! But wait..
Nylon also asked the mouth breathing definition of ANGST if she still talks to Robert Pattinson and she said:
“That’s not something I would ever talk to the fucking public about—that’s crazy.”
Hmmm… KStew didn’t talk about RPattz, because if she did, a sparkle would pop up in her blank eyes and she’d melt into the chair while thinking about the baby they’re raising together in secret in a hidden cabin in the woods. #RobstenIsStillUnbroken. We’re on to you, KStew!
UPDATE: Kristen Stewart’s mom told UsWeekly that she talked to the Mirror about her movie and other stuff, but didn’t say anything about what her daughter’s chocha is up to nowadays. Jules Stewart claims that she only said that Alicia Cargile is a “lovely girl” when asked if they’ve met. Uh huh.
Kristen Stewart has apparently been bumping hipster hobo ‘ginas with her personal assistant Alicia Cargile for a while, but her mouth lips haven’t commented on the adventures of her other lips and probably because she figures those pictures of them holding hands is proof enough that they’re together. Besides, KStew doesn’t need to say it when her mother can do it for her. THANKS MOM!
The Sunday Mirror claims that they interviewed KStew’s mom, writer/director Jules Stewart. At first they talked about the wolves Jules raises on a ranch in Santa Monica. (So yeah, if you’ve ever said that KStew acts like she was raised by wolves, you were right!) But then they got to talking about who’s currently munching on KStew’s coochie box in a Mini Cooper. Jules confirmed that KStew is with Alicia now.
“What’s not to be accepting about her now having a girlfriend? She’s happy. She’s my daughter, I’m just her mom so she knows I would accept her choices. I’ve met Kristen’s new girlfriend, I like her. What’s not to accept? She’s a lovely girl. I feel like people need to be free to love whoever they want. I accept that my daughter loves women and men. It’s OK to be who you are in my world. We all choose our friends so we should be free to choose our lovers. People are good to do whatever they like as long as they’re not hurting people or breaking the law. I have gay friends, family members, I’m accepting of people, we are all free to choose who we want to love.”
Jules went on to say that all the “public stuff” ruined KStew’s relationship with Robert Pattinson and she’s really happy right now.
The whole interview falls directly under the file marked, “Suspect As Fuck.” I mean, would KStew’s mom really out her as bi to a British tabloid? Either KStew missed an allowance payment and Jules had to pay the bills by selling a story to the tabloids. Or this is a fake interview to keep us sheeple from figuring out the truth: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are still together! (That second thought is sponsored by The Federation of Batshit Crazy Robsten Fans.)
I also threw two side-eyes at Jules saying that Kristen Stewart is “happy” right now. I refuse to believe that the human definition of Emo feels other emotions besides “ugh.” Nice try, though, “Jules.”
Here’s Kristen Stewart and her girlfriend giving you truck stop glamour in L.A. on June 6th.
Okay, does this mean that the tabloids can stop calling referring to Alicia Cargile as Kristen Stewart’s “gal pal”? Every time I read “gal pal” I think of my tia called my boyfriend a “special friend.” Oh, tia, just call him my full-time sloppy butt fuck buddy. It won’t make my ears curl the way that “special friend” does.
Kristen Stewart’s true loves, the paparazzi, got in her face yesterday as she walked through LAX holding Alicia’s hand. So that’s why the news reported (no, they didn’t) this morning that hundreds of thousands of torn off tonsils were found scattered all across the country. It was from the ROBSTENIS4EVER crazies screaming their lymphoid tissues off while looking at these pictures. Kristen and Alicia (possible couple names: CarStew? CarArt?) were coming back from the wedding of Elvis’ granddaughter Riley Keough in Napa. There’s also a story going around that Alicia is moving into KStew’s loft in Downtown L.A. So when the Skinny Jeans And Caps Twinsies strolled through LAX yesterday, the paps asked them if they’re getting married (because, you know, they just went to a wedding) and if it’s true they’re moving in together. The paps really lost their gift of subtlety, because the paps I know would’ve asked Kristen, “Kristen, Kristen, does your coochie convert to Judaism every time it bumps against Alicia’s Star of David crotch tattoo?” I know, they used to be so subtle and tactful.
And these pictures are truly BREAKING NEWS material, because this may be the first time in months that Kristen Stewart was photographed holding something other than her morning cup of coffee. Somewhere, a morning cup of coffee is feeling rejected and lonely because Kristen Stewart isn’t holding it.