“Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.
Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.
Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.
“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.
“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”
Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.
But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.
Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.
Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:
“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”
You can watch the entire interview here if you want.
Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….
LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015
So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!
In a video that looks like a terrifying clip cut from The Ring or like the beginning a 70s snuff film shot on 8mm, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan introduces herself and then sings out a few lines of Xtina’s “Beautiful.” Since the whole modeling thing didn’t really work out and White Oprah’s not going to pay for those unpaid invoices from her back alley pharmacists herself, Ali Lohan is trying to make a few ad revenue coins from singing on YouTube. And if that doesn’t work out, White Oprah will sell her to scientists who will study her to find out what kind of fucked-up chemicals make up a Lohan.
Ali Lohan has the exact same talking voice as this dude who lived next door to me when we were both 15. He had a mullet, only drank Shasta, only wore tank tops bought in gas stations, always smelled like a mixture of Irish Spring and a wet ash tray, was always out of breath and he had the raspiest voice ever. If extra coarse sandpaper grew vocal cords and a mouth and could speak, it would sound exactly like this kid. He wasn’t a smoker, but his mom and grandma were and he lived with their asses. They always had a cigarette in their hands and I never saw them exhale without a cloud of cigarette smoke coming out of their mouths. The walls of his house were always stained and sticky and the first time I hung out there, it was so smoky I thought that bitch was on fire. They were the cigarette industry’s dream family! Dude didn’t have smoker’s voice, but he did have a severe case of second hand smoker’s voice. So when I hear Ali Lohan talk, I see that dude I made it out with once in the back of a garage refrigerator when I was 15. It’s weirding me out.
As for her singing… She should’ve officially retired as a singer after Lohan Holiday, because she can never top that musical masterpiece. Here’s the karaoke version for your next holiday party:
UPDATE: I got a few emails and comments from people who screamed at me, “Michael, you dumb bitch, do your research! That’s not Ali Lohan! Ali’s only wearing the black dress!” Yeah, they used the word “research” like I know what that is. But I sit corrected. Apologies to the chick in white for confusing her with a Lohan.
No, this isn’t a promo picture for American Horror Story: Coven. It’s
19-year-old Ali Lohan a lady in white holding a glass of what I’m sure is chilled chamomile tea champagne while celebrating with her sister Lindsay Lohan after making her fashion show debut in the “Saints of the Zodiac” show in NYC yesterday. I don’t know what the theme of the show was, but judging by all the looks, it was “The Goddess Bunny as a goth princess of Themyscira.”
On one positive note, LiLo finally gave her freckled titty balls the support they need and deserve.
And White Oprah wasn’t there, because as you can tell from these pictures, it’s still light outside. Bitch was still sleeping!