Disney’s latest live-action MWTPTBG (mess with the potential to be good), The Lion King, is coming together and yesterday, Disney tweeted a picture of the confirmed cast. For a company like Disney, that is a very low-budget community theater-looking cast sheet. Not to mention how confusing it must have been when the real star Beyonce saw it. “Can someone explain why both my picture and name are the same size as everyone else? Oh wait, is this like a Destiny’s Child thing, where I pretend I’m part of a group? Ok, gotcha (wink).”
“You Told Those Reporters You’re Not ‘Difficult’? Ahahahahaha! Oh, Heigl, You So Funn- Please don’t choke me.”
Last year, The Hollywood Reporter put out a piece about how human hangnail Katherine Heigl’s difficult ways and several sources who worked with her said that they’d rather get a job as Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist than work with Heigl again. (Being Kim Kartrashian’s colonoscopist is slightly less dangerous, involves less shit and you may find the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. Reward money!) Those sources said that if Katherine’s talent was as big as her ego, Meryl Streep would be asking her for private acting lessons. THR’s sources also said that Heigl’s momager Nancy is a monster and one of the main reasons for why nobody in Hollywood wants to work with her anymore. The article was the opposite of shocking since by then, everybody knew that working with Heigl was as pleasant as chewing a wad of foil and Heigl gnawing off the hand that fed her said everything. Katherine Phlegm Sound recently told Marie Claire UK that she thinks doing rom-com after rom-com is what put her career on life support and the interviewer didn’t shoot back with, “No, I’m pretty sure you being a mega bitch had something to do with that.” Nobody has asked Heigl about that THR article until yesterday at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills.
The HIGHLY successful television and motion picture actress was at the TCAs to talk about her new show on NBC State of Affairs, the toilet baby that Homeland and Scandal made together and tried to forget. According to Entertainment Weekly, one reporter asked Heigl if she thinks the stories of her and her mother being a difficult assholes and publicly “speaking her mind” had anything to do with her career being “out of control.” For the first time in the history of everything, Heigl was speechless for a second. State of Affairs’ producer Ed Bernero tried to jump in and answer the question, but the reporter, who was obviously from Not The One Times, wanted an answer from Heigl. So while making a mental note to shank that reporter when they meet in Hell, she answered it:
“I don’t know that I said I felt my career was not under my control. I think I said I felt I had stopped challenging myself and I was making choices that I loved, that I was excited about. I loved doing romantic comedies, I loved doing them and I loved watching them, but I stopped … exercising different muscles of my ability. And in that moment, I felt that I was sort of letting down my audience, that I wasn’t challenging them either.
I think that this opportunity is — and I think a lot of people want to know why this show, why come back to television — it’s because it’s an extraordinary role, it’s an extraordinary opportunity, and an extraordinary story, and it’s an opportunity for me to flex some different muscles and show a different side of myself as an actor and a performer and a storyteller that I hope my audience will be excited about and love.
I can only say that I certainly don’t see myself as being difficult. I would never intend to be difficult. I don’t think my mother sees herself as being difficult. We always … I think it’s important to everybody to conduct themselves professionally and respectfully and kindly. If I’ve ever disappointed somebody, it was never intentional.”
Heigl’s momager Nancy is an executive producer on State of Affairs and when another reporter asked her what her mom does on the show, she said, “She bakes us cookies.” (Cut to crew members reluctantly taking a cookie from Nancy and chewing it until they can spit out when she walks away, because they know the secret ingredient in her cookies is probably rat poison or Heigl shit.)
A crazy bitch is always going to deny being a crazy bitch. A crackhead is always going to deny being a crackhead. A serial killer usually pleads not guilty. So what is Katherine going to say? Is she going to admit that she’s the sole reason for why every member of her show’s crew spends their lunch hour crying in a bathroom stall while snorting Valium? (There’s a lot of bathroom stalls on that set.) A difficult bitch is always going to deny being a difficult bitch. I, for one, am easy-going and down-to-earth and working with me is like working with a carefree spring daisy blowing in the wind. (Right, Allison, RIGHT, Allison.)
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
The Oscars are a million months away, but Brad Pitt has already started Googling the question “What is the easiest way to turn an Oscar statue into a bong?” because everyone’s saying that he could have his fingers around one next year. No, he’s not going to get one for acting. Are you bitches crazy? Brad Pitt is one of the producers of 12 Years A Slave (not to be confused with the title of Bruce Jenner’s upcoming memoirs, 22 Years A Slave), which everyone is freaking out about. Audiences threw Oscar statues at it when it screened at the Telluride Film Festival last week, and it got a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Vulture and others think that it will win Best Picture and if it does Brad will finally get his Oscar bong!
In 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a free man who is kidnapped in DC and sold as a slave to a real vicious cuntbag of a Louisiana plantation owner played by Michael Fassbender. Director Steve McQueen, who also directed Shame, directs a cast that also includes Bendadick Cumsinbatches, Brad Pitt, Alfre Woodard, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o and Quvenzhané Wallis. They’re saying Oscar noms will go to Steve McQueen for Best Director, Chiwetel for Best Actor and Michael Assbender for Best Supporting Actor. Here’s the trailer:
And here’s the cast at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Brad is giving me shades of current day Val Kilmer, but at least he shaved that wolfey butt bush off his face.