It seems like the life has been sucked out of vampire Eric and Alexa Chung’s relationship. After more than two years together, Alexander Skarsgard and Alexa Chung are done. Thank God, because “Alex&Alexa“ sounds like an IKEA ottoman and its slipcover.
But he’s not spending his nights all sad at home. Page Six says that Nordic hottie Alexander Skarsgard took a vacation from my wet dreams (oh, back off, prudes!) and went out with (Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex) model (well, duh) Toni Garrn. They went on a blind date to the Dairy Queen in Montauk last weekend. Just kidding, Dairy Queen is too nice a place for a first date!
However, it doesn’t sound like Alex and Toni will go out with each other again. A source said, “They didn’t hit it off big-time. There may not be a second date in the cards.” Maybe it’s too soon for Tarzan?
But back to Alexa. Along with making me scratch my head as to why Alexa is viewed as such a *Hi-FAhShUN mUuUuZZzzzzzZZe* to sartorialists everywhere, she has been a bit of a Jane of the Jungle, swinging from A-Lister to A-Lister. She dated the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys for a while, as well as a lengthy line-up of other rockers. Some even speculated Chris Martin was the jade egg in her vagine, and therefore why Gwyneth Paltrow and the Frodo of white people music consciously uncoupled. In short, I’m jealous.
Every year, there’s always a giant chunk of celebrities at the Met Gala who completely wet fart on the theme and go with their own, which is usually: Rejected Dresses Leftover From Awards Season. Even Anna Wintour showed up to this year’s Met Gala in some dusty dress that Carol Channing definitely wore a million times better in the 1960s (see: Anna Wintour in the gallery below looking like a sad lamp from Liberace’s least favorite guest room). While watching the Vogue live feed of the Met Gala last night, some bland, I forgot who, said something about how she wanted to be comfortable. Bitch, if you want to be comfortable, stay at home in your sweats and t-shirt and watch the live feed while sitting on your futon like the rest of us do! You’re doing the Met Gala completely wrong if it doesn’t take six assistants, a registered nurse, a long plastic hose, a thing of KY and a janitor with a mop to help you piss.
But in last night’s sea of basic (see: the sea of basic in the gallery after the cut), there were a few bright spots of fuckery who actually paid attention in class when the theme was given. Enter: RiRi!
And as Alexander Skarsgard strut his viking ass past that parking meter, it squirted out a stream of jizz from its coin slot. ASkars kept struttin’ because he’s used to that by now.
Just the other day, I was wondering if the human form of a mud-covered Glastonbury Wellie, Alexa Chung, was still swinging her poon from Tarzan’s dick vine, and I got my answer over the weekend. The paparazzi somehow magically caught ASkars and the professional festival goer holding hands while leaving some restaurant in Studio City, CA. These pictures are honestly kind of unnatural and weird to me. I mean, why would you hold ASkars’ hand when you can hold his peen while walking down the street? Also, why would you go to a restaurant to eat? If your ASkars’ piece and he says to you, “I’m hungry,” you’d immediately rip off your clothes and serve lunch on your bare crotch. That’s what any normal and sane person would do!
Something in the Swedish leche ain’t clean about this and I would investigate further, but right now I need to file a police report against Alexa Chung’s thieving ass. Trick obviously broke into my mom’s garage, went through the cardboard boxes and stole the outfit my sister wore on 3rd grade picture day in the 80s.
Last month, Swedish mountain sex god Alexander Skarsgard was seen “getting cozy” in NYC with Alexa Chung who is best known for doing I don’t even know what. They went to some Fashion Week event together and had breakfast the next morning where they ate “avocado toast.” I know, you probably want to know more about this avocado toast. Anyway, it’s been almost 30 days and they might still be a thing. Ever since ASkars broke up with unflavored oatmeal lollipop Kate Bosworth, he’s been jumping from skinny poon to skinny poon. So if he has been bumping sex parts with Alexa since February, their relationship could be his longest in YEARS.
Page Six says that on Tuesday night in Paris, ASkars and Alexa “got cozy” once again at a restaurant called Caviar Kaspia. The source said they held hands!
The pretty pair were seen very cozily holding hands at Caviar Kaspia in Paris during fashion week there Tuesday night.
They were dining with a group of fashionable pals including Poppy Delevingne, sister of Cara, and Derek Blasberg.
Hmmm… Is the source sure about that? I mean, fashion people actually eating at a restaurant during Fashion Week? Wouldn’t food mess with their ability to make a scowly bitchface while sitting front row at shows? I thought that face came from being HONGRAY. But there is picture proof of Alexa and ASkars being in Paris together. A pap took this picture of them leaving a train station in Paris on Tuesday. It gives me “Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s First Picture Together!!!” vibes.
That picture also showed me what it looks like when a one-night trick and I leave his building together in the morning. You know, I walk in front thinking about how I can’t wait to go to McDonald’s to get me a post-one-night-stand power breakfast and he makes sure to stay far back with his hands in his pockets as he thinks to himself, “Doo da doo don’t know that bitch doo da doo doo.“
The day that HARDEST WORKING SINGLE MOTHER IN THE WORLD Goopy Paltrow announced that she and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled (which is the phrase I’m going to use to describe the act of my hand falling off of my crotch after falling asleep while fapping) Lainey hinted about he and Alexa Chung possibly being a thing. Now The Daily Mail is running with it and they’re saying that while Chris was having marriage problems, he hung out with the dehydrated piece of bland Jicama. Chris certainly has a type. The skinnier and more annoying the better. Bitch probably gets hard when he gets a splinter.
The Daily Mail says that last June, Chris and Alexa Chung hung out at the Glastonbury Musical Festival and had milkshakes together at 4 in the morning at a place called the Shaken Udder (which is the unsexiest way to describe Salma Hayek shaking her chichis). The employee who served Chris and Alexa milk from the Shaken Udder gave The Daily Mail the riveting details of their leche date:
“They turned up together at around 3 or 4am and came over to where I was working at Shaken Udder and said to me and my friend ‘what do you recommend?’ They looked like they were just chilling and having a good time. I did find it a little odd that they were together – but we had a little chat and they wandered off after they asked us if we knew of any good places to go and have a few drinks. hey were having a laugh together, but it didn’t seem that anything was going on.”
Chris Martin is about as cool and edgy as a double pleat on a pair of khaki Dockers, so I don’t know if it’s he’s cool or edgy enough for Alexa’s ass. I don’t know if I’m totally buying them being together, but I totally believe that Goopy flipped out over their milkshake date. No, she didn’t care that he was with Alexa. Goopy couldn’t believe that Chris would drink dairy and sugar in public! How trashy! How gauche! Goopy doesn’t care that Chris puts his mouth on his whores, dairy and sugar, behind closed doors, but to do it in public is pouring generic brand table salt on her wounds. Now all of Goopy’s friends know that he cheated on the macrobiotic, all-organic diet she spent weeks creating with two cheap sluts like cow milk and white sugar. The cheap, 2 cent straw that Chris Martin used to drink his side pieces with was the FINAL straw.