1. Whenever I’m struggling to get through anything, I’m going to think of the lady making a “fuck my life” in that picture. If she can get through Hilaria Baldwin practically Sleeping Yogi-ing a queef into her face, I can get through almost anything.
2. I bet that’s the pose Hilaria was in when she and Alec Baldwin conceived their third kid. Hilaria did that pose while Alec jacked off above her with one hand and punched a paparazzo he paid with the other. It’s the only way he can get off.
The Queen of the Downward Look At Me Pose announced on Instagram today that a tiny yogi fetus is doing the child’s pose in her womb. 32-year-old Hilaria said that in a few months, 57-year-old Alec will once again get to cradle a little bundle of adorable while saying, “Aww, you little, rude, thoughtless pig, you.”
Ireland, Carmen, Rafael, Alec, and I are excited to share with you that we are going to have another addition to our family. A little boy coming this fall #366daysoflivingclearly #HilariaLCM
Ireland is, of course, Alec’s 20-year-old daughter with Kim Basinger. Rafael is Alec and Hilaria’s 8-month-old son and Carmen is their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. I know, three babies in three years. Either she’s really fertile from busting out yoga poses in all sorts of places for Instagram likes. Or he’s really fertile from choking out paps. Or both!
And this winter, I better see an Instagram picture of Hilaria standing on her head while holding one kid with her right hand and another kid with her left hand as her newborn son naps on top of her flexed foot. If I don’t see that, I will really question her skills. Here’s Hilarious and Alec at the NYC premiere of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot last week.
The New Yorker recently published a long-ass story on TMZ and Harvey Levin, and most of it is about how the TMZ sausage is made. Like how they get videos of famous types fucking up or how they’re the first to know every time a Kardashian takes a dump (that would be thanks to the direct line Kris Jenner had installed last year). Obviously, there are going to be some famous types that like TMZ and Harvey Levin about as much as their real age or first nose, and it’s not exactly surprising that one of those people is Alec Baldwin.
In case you’ve forgotten (as if you’ve forgotten) why Alec hates TMZ so much, back in 2007, TMZ released a voice mail message left by Alec for his then 12-year-old daughter Irleand where he hissed like a pissed-off snake and called her “a rude thoughtless little pig.” Apparently Alec was so mad that TMZ leaked his daddy-daughter moment to the world, that he channeled his rage into some seriously fucked up fantasies about Harvey.
“There was a time when my greatest wish was to stab Harvey Levin with a rusty implement and watch his entrails go running down my forearm, in some Macbethian stance. I wanted him to die in my arms, while looking into my eyes, and I wanted to say to him, ‘Oh, Harvey, you thoughtless little pig.’ He is a festering boil on the anus of American media.”
I’m sure that last part was copied verbatim off the Valentine Alec sends Harvey every year. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the festering boil on the anus of American media…oh look, and there’s a picture of a little boil holing a little sippy cup on it! How sweet.”
But back to Alec Baldwin’s dream date with Harvey Levin. I’m actually a little surprised Alec would stab him. I always pictured him as more of a ‘choke you til the first row of hair plugs pop out of Alec’s forehead’ kind of guy. And I hate to burst Alec’s rage boner, but it wouldn’t end with Alec calling Harvey a thoughtless little pig. So naive of him. Oh Alec, everyone knows Harvey gets the last word.
I’m going to need a GIF of Killlary (Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton) chucking that cigarette and making that face. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s beloved cranky guy Larry David answered the cries from Twitter Nation and beyond beseeching him to play presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on SNL. There’s a striking resemblance! It just fits! It fits perfectly.
Larry did everything but drop a mic the end. Even perennial SNL drop-in Alec Baldwin couldn’t upstage his longest-arms-in-existence ass. Mission accomplished, sir.
Oh, and fun fact! David was a writer for SNL in the 80s and only got one sketch on the air. Look how far he’s come since then! Don’t give up your dreams, kids. Or don’t go write for SNL cuz’ I heard it tends to be a soul-crushing gig. Ask Janeane Garofalo.
Watch Larry David as Bernie Sanders in the vid below.
Note to fashion people in New York: You better make sure that you came out of a famous person’s vagina, or the vagina of a famous person’s wife, because that’s what it takes to get a front row seat at a fashion show these days. Anna Wintour is just thrilled.
Alec and Hilarious Baldwin’s son Rafael Baldwin was born just 3 months ago, but he already has his own tag on Getty, because he was front row at the Carmen Marc Valco show on Tuesday. Judging by that picture, Rafael is either already a true fashion critic and is pushing out his review of the show into his diaper or he’s thinking to himself, “The hell is this? This doesn’t look like my crib at all.” Because he doesn’t look amused at all. Sorry Rafael, but photo-ops don’t happen on their own. Such is the life of the baby of two thirst buckets. But Rafael still wasn’t the biggest baby at New York Fashion Week. That title will forever belong to Kanye West. Speaking of….
It’s a good thing Kim Kartrashian isn’t due to birth out her next accessory for a few months. Because if she was due now, she would’ve definitely topped Alec and Hilarious by birthing out her baby on the catwalk.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!
As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!
And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec Baldwin, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson.
Pop Smash a bottle of sparkling wine and scream an expletive-filled message of congratulations, because anti-anger management’s unofficial mascot Alec Baldwin is a daddy again! Earlier today, Alec’s beyond-thirsty wife Hilaria Baldwin confirmed that she had successfully doubled-down on her 18-year investment by posting a picture of the baby she popped out of her body (well, she posted his hand at least) to Instagram with the caption: “We are happy to announce the birth of Rafael Thomas Baldwin.”
Then, once she realized that was far too subtle an announcement, she rented out a digital billboard in Times Square and played a video of her doing a series of upside-down yoga poses in the maternity ward while she writes the name BALDWIN on the birth certificate. I’m joking – Hilaria Baldwin would never be so tacky.
Of course, we don’t really know how Alec feels about Baby Rafael, whose name is giving me a major craving for some coconut almond Christmastime chocolates, on account of him quitting Twitter. But if I had to guess, I’d say that when he held his son for the first time, he was so overcome with emotion, he leaned in and whispered “What a not-rude opposite-of-thoughtless little pig you are.” I’m sure he would have said something nicer, but the language center in Alec Baldwin’s brain has been conditioned to speak solely in insults.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
Last week, Radar said that the 19-year-old spawn of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin was forced into a Malibu treatment center by her parents because they felt like her non-stop partying was getting the best of her and she needed to dry out for a bit. Radar’s “source” said that Ireland doesn’t think she has a problem with booze, but she went to rehab after her parents threatened to cut her off. Ireland laughed at the “non-stop partying” claim on Twitter last night, but admitted that she checked herself into rehab (or as the country she’s named after calls it “Quitters Central.“) Ireland, who isn’t bumping ‘ginas with Angel Haze anymore, tweeted that she has gone off to rehab, because she needs to deal with some emotional issues she’s been ignoring. She’s also going to eat some froyo, FYI.
“Apparently I’m in rehab for intensive partying soooo I’m just going to lay pretty low for a bit and maybe get some frozen yogurt. I checked myself into Soba for two weeks to just get away for a little bit. I’m not much a party cat but I am here deal with some emotional trauma and getting the intensive therapy I needed in order to recover. Someday I’ll feel ready to share my story openly without feeling the way I do. Right now I just needed a breather. I needed a chance to work on myself and gather all the tools I need to overcome everything that I had been through and rid myself of all the pain I locked away in unreachable places.”
Emotional trauma could mean anything from “I watched the Randy Quaid sex tape” (Why do I keep bringing up that nightmare?! WHY?) to some seriously serious shit. But Ireland doesn’t really have to say why she’s in rehab. I mean, she’s Alec Baldwin’s daughter. If she walked into any treatment center and said, “Hello, I am the daughter that Alec Baldwin called a rude thoughtless little pig,” they’d immediately declare a code red and shuffle her off to the therapist’s office.
Here’s Ireland giving you post-apocalyptic yoga teacher at an event in L.A. last month.
2015 has spit up its first surprise into our faces. I mean, I didn’t know it was possible for attention whore yogini Hilaria Baldwin to take a picture without doing a yoga pose on some kind of inanimate object. Usually when I look at one of Hilaria’s Instagram pictures, my third eye rolls all the way, but this picture made it roll only a little. Consider me shocked.
Today, 30-year-old Hilaria Baldwin announced on Instagram that she’s knocked up with 56-year-old Alec Baldwin’s third kid and her second one. Hilaria posted this picture of their 16-month-old daughter Carmen Gabriela knocking on her mom’s fetus dome while thinking, “Stay in there as long as you can, kid, because as soon as you come out, mom’s going to use you as a yoga prop.” Hilaria threw up this note with the picture:
The sun has set on 2014 and on my year of daily #hilariaypd ….2015 is going to be very exciting as we are thrilled to announce we are expecting another little addition to our family! (tadasana) #yogapostureoftheday
Wait, so she IS doing a yoga pose there? Well, there rolls my third eye. Bitchiness aside, congratulations to Hilaria for securing herself double the amount in future child support payments and congratulations to Alec, because soon he’ll have another little late in life baby he can parade around Nantucket (copyright: Bianca from 30 Rock). And I’m just going to let myself believe that little white dog is ruining their cute family moment by taking a shit in the sand. That dog is my first hero of 2015.
Gary Oldman has a lot of burning feelings about everyone coming at Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin, and during an interview with Playboy, the lid on those feelings was pulled off and he exploded. Sirius Black squatted and shat on the PC Police and ranted about Hollywood hypocrites blacklisting Mad Mel and he also had some thoughts about 12 Years a Slave winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Gary goes off.
Gary’s Playboy interview doesn’t come out until Friday, but The Daily Mail threw up the greatest hits from his messy, messy rant. Gary says that the world needs to pull the PC stick out of its ass and learn how to take a joke. When Mel Gibson said that “Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world,” we should’ve laughed and given him his own HBO comedy special since he’s a real comedian. Gary says that all those Hollywood Jews who refused to work with Mad Mel are hypocrite whores since he’s sure they’ve told Germans to fuck off and the cops who arrested Mad Mel are probably not so innocent since he’s sure they’ve spit out a racial slur or two. Take it away, Gary:
I just think political correctness is crap. That’s what I think about it. I think it’s like, take a fucking joke. Get over it.
I don’t know about Mel. He got drunk and said a few things, but we’ve all said those things. We’re all fucking hypocrites. That’s what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word nigger or that fucking Jew? I’m being brutally honest here. It’s the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy. Or maybe I should just strike that and say “the N word” and “the F word.
Mel Gibson is in a town that’s run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he’s actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him – and doesn’t need to feed him anymore because he’s got enough dough.He’s like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn’t turned and said, “That fucking kraut” or “Fuck those Germans,” whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That’s what gets me.
As Playboy’s interviewer got the drips and tried to contain their excitement over how many hits this messy, messy rant is going to get, Gary kept going and defended Alec Baldwin.
Alec calling someone an F-A-G in the street while he’s pissed off coming out of his building because they won’t leave him alone. I don’t blame him. So they persecute.
And he kept going:
Well, if I called Nancy Pelosi a cunt — and I’ll go one better, a fucking useless cunt— I can’t really say that. But Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can, and nobody’s going to stop them from working because of it. Bill Maher could call someone a fag and get away with it. He said to Seth MacFarlane this year, “I thought you were going to do the Oscars again. Instead they got a lesbian.” He can say something like that. Is that more or less offensive than Alec Baldwin saying to someone in the street, “You fag”? I don’t get it.
At the Oscars, if you didn’t vote for 12 Years a Slave you were a racist. You have to be very careful about what you say. I do have particular views and opinions that most of this town doesn’t share, but it’s not like I’m a fascist or a racist. There’s nothing like that in my history.
Finally, Gary said that just because he’s defending two throbbing ass warts who are known for spewing out slurs doesn’t make him a bigot or a racist. Gary is just sick of all the hypocrisy and if someone screams “faggot nigger cunt” in the streets, none of us should say shit since we all say it.
No, but I’m defending all the wrong people. I’m saying Mel’s all right, Alec’s a good guy. So how do I come across? Angry? It’s dishonesty that frustrates me most. I can’t bear double standards. It gets under my skin more than anything.
Insert approximately one billion YouMad.jpegs here.
What in the fuck? Batman, come and get your bitch. I tried to see what Gary Oldman was saying, but then he completely lost me when he said that Mel Gibson’s all right. Anyone that says Mel Gibson is all right is not all right in the head and their family members should look into a 5150 situation. Oh, Gary Oldman, living up to your last name, I see. Gary Oldman is that old, crusty drunk white grandpa ranting about how he misses the good old days when we could slap anyone with a slur without the goddamn PC Police getting on our asses.
And Gary’s seriously method, so maybe when he did this interview he was in the middle of preparing for his role in Lifetime’s Sugar Tits & Jacuzzi Blow Jobs: The Mel Gibson Story.