Pop Smash a bottle of sparkling wine and scream an expletive-filled message of congratulations, because anti-anger management’s unofficial mascot Alec Baldwin is a daddy again! Earlier today, Alec’s beyond-thirsty wife Hilaria Baldwin confirmed that she had successfully doubled-down on her 18-year investment by posting a picture of the baby she popped out of her body (well, she posted his hand at least) to Instagram with the caption: “We are happy to announce the birth of Rafael Thomas Baldwin.”
Then, once she realized that was far too subtle an announcement, she rented out a digital billboard in Times Square and played a video of her doing a series of upside-down yoga poses in the maternity ward while she writes the name BALDWIN on the birth certificate. I’m joking – Hilaria Baldwin would never be so tacky.
Of course, we don’t really know how Alec feels about Baby Rafael, whose name is giving me a major craving for some coconut almond Christmastime chocolates, on account of him quitting Twitter. But if I had to guess, I’d say that when he held his son for the first time, he was so overcome with emotion, he leaned in and whispered “What a not-rude opposite-of-thoughtless little pig you are.” I’m sure he would have said something nicer, but the language center in Alec Baldwin’s brain has been conditioned to speak solely in insults.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
Last week, Radar said that the 19-year-old spawn of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin was forced into a Malibu treatment center by her parents because they felt like her non-stop partying was getting the best of her and she needed to dry out for a bit. Radar’s “source” said that Ireland doesn’t think she has a problem with booze, but she went to rehab after her parents threatened to cut her off. Ireland laughed at the “non-stop partying” claim on Twitter last night, but admitted that she checked herself into rehab (or as the country she’s named after calls it “Quitters Central.“) Ireland, who isn’t bumping ‘ginas with Angel Haze anymore, tweeted that she has gone off to rehab, because she needs to deal with some emotional issues she’s been ignoring. She’s also going to eat some froyo, FYI.
“Apparently I’m in rehab for intensive partying soooo I’m just going to lay pretty low for a bit and maybe get some frozen yogurt. I checked myself into Soba for two weeks to just get away for a little bit. I’m not much a party cat but I am here deal with some emotional trauma and getting the intensive therapy I needed in order to recover. Someday I’ll feel ready to share my story openly without feeling the way I do. Right now I just needed a breather. I needed a chance to work on myself and gather all the tools I need to overcome everything that I had been through and rid myself of all the pain I locked away in unreachable places.”
Emotional trauma could mean anything from “I watched the Randy Quaid sex tape” (Why do I keep bringing up that nightmare?! WHY?) to some seriously serious shit. But Ireland doesn’t really have to say why she’s in rehab. I mean, she’s Alec Baldwin’s daughter. If she walked into any treatment center and said, “Hello, I am the daughter that Alec Baldwin called a rude thoughtless little pig,” they’d immediately declare a code red and shuffle her off to the therapist’s office.
Here’s Ireland giving you post-apocalyptic yoga teacher at an event in L.A. last month.
2015 has spit up its first surprise into our faces. I mean, I didn’t know it was possible for attention whore yogini Hilaria Baldwin to take a picture without doing a yoga pose on some kind of inanimate object. Usually when I look at one of Hilaria’s Instagram pictures, my third eye rolls all the way, but this picture made it roll only a little. Consider me shocked.
Today, 30-year-old Hilaria Baldwin announced on Instagram that she’s knocked up with 56-year-old Alec Baldwin’s third kid and her second one. Hilaria posted this picture of their 16-month-old daughter Carmen Gabriela knocking on her mom’s fetus dome while thinking, “Stay in there as long as you can, kid, because as soon as you come out, mom’s going to use you as a yoga prop.” Hilaria threw up this note with the picture:
The sun has set on 2014 and on my year of daily #hilariaypd ….2015 is going to be very exciting as we are thrilled to announce we are expecting another little addition to our family! (tadasana) #yogapostureoftheday
Wait, so she IS doing a yoga pose there? Well, there rolls my third eye. Bitchiness aside, congratulations to Hilaria for securing herself double the amount in future child support payments and congratulations to Alec, because soon he’ll have another little late in life baby he can parade around Nantucket (copyright: Bianca from 30 Rock). And I’m just going to let myself believe that little white dog is ruining their cute family moment by taking a shit in the sand. That dog is my first hero of 2015.
Gary Oldman has a lot of burning feelings about everyone coming at Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin, and during an interview with Playboy, the lid on those feelings was pulled off and he exploded. Sirius Black squatted and shat on the PC Police and ranted about Hollywood hypocrites blacklisting Mad Mel and he also had some thoughts about 12 Years a Slave winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Gary goes off.
Gary’s Playboy interview doesn’t come out until Friday, but The Daily Mail threw up the greatest hits from his messy, messy rant. Gary says that the world needs to pull the PC stick out of its ass and learn how to take a joke. When Mel Gibson said that “Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world,” we should’ve laughed and given him his own HBO comedy special since he’s a real comedian. Gary says that all those Hollywood Jews who refused to work with Mad Mel are hypocrite whores since he’s sure they’ve told Germans to fuck off and the cops who arrested Mad Mel are probably not so innocent since he’s sure they’ve spit out a racial slur or two. Take it away, Gary:
I just think political correctness is crap. That’s what I think about it. I think it’s like, take a fucking joke. Get over it.
I don’t know about Mel. He got drunk and said a few things, but we’ve all said those things. We’re all fucking hypocrites. That’s what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word nigger or that fucking Jew? I’m being brutally honest here. It’s the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy. Or maybe I should just strike that and say “the N word” and “the F word.
Mel Gibson is in a town that’s run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he’s actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him – and doesn’t need to feed him anymore because he’s got enough dough.He’s like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn’t turned and said, “That fucking kraut” or “Fuck those Germans,” whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That’s what gets me.
As Playboy’s interviewer got the drips and tried to contain their excitement over how many hits this messy, messy rant is going to get, Gary kept going and defended Alec Baldwin.
Alec calling someone an F-A-G in the street while he’s pissed off coming out of his building because they won’t leave him alone. I don’t blame him. So they persecute.
And he kept going:
Well, if I called Nancy Pelosi a cunt — and I’ll go one better, a fucking useless cunt— I can’t really say that. But Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can, and nobody’s going to stop them from working because of it. Bill Maher could call someone a fag and get away with it. He said to Seth MacFarlane this year, “I thought you were going to do the Oscars again. Instead they got a lesbian.” He can say something like that. Is that more or less offensive than Alec Baldwin saying to someone in the street, “You fag”? I don’t get it.
At the Oscars, if you didn’t vote for 12 Years a Slave you were a racist. You have to be very careful about what you say. I do have particular views and opinions that most of this town doesn’t share, but it’s not like I’m a fascist or a racist. There’s nothing like that in my history.
Finally, Gary said that just because he’s defending two throbbing ass warts who are known for spewing out slurs doesn’t make him a bigot or a racist. Gary is just sick of all the hypocrisy and if someone screams “faggot nigger cunt” in the streets, none of us should say shit since we all say it.
No, but I’m defending all the wrong people. I’m saying Mel’s all right, Alec’s a good guy. So how do I come across? Angry? It’s dishonesty that frustrates me most. I can’t bear double standards. It gets under my skin more than anything.
Insert approximately one billion YouMad.jpegs here.
What in the fuck? Batman, come and get your bitch. I tried to see what Gary Oldman was saying, but then he completely lost me when he said that Mel Gibson’s all right. Anyone that says Mel Gibson is all right is not all right in the head and their family members should look into a 5150 situation. Oh, Gary Oldman, living up to your last name, I see. Gary Oldman is that old, crusty drunk white grandpa ranting about how he misses the good old days when we could slap anyone with a slur without the goddamn PC Police getting on our asses.
And Gary’s seriously method, so maybe when he did this interview he was in the middle of preparing for his role in Lifetime’s Sugar Tits & Jacuzzi Blow Jobs: The Mel Gibson Story.
Alec Baldwin was put into handcuffs in NYC this morning and what’s really shocking is that he wasn’t busted for tearing out the throat of a paparazzo with his teeth after calling him a toxic cocksucking charlatan queen pig. Alec was arrested for the most boring and dumbest thing ever. He was arrested for riding his bike on the wrong side of the street and not having an ID. The Baldwin family refused to comment on this, because they are too busy hanging their heads in shame. A true Baldwin only gets busted for real hood rat stuff like DUIs and pap beating.
InTouch Weekly says that two cops pulled over his bike after he rode on the wrong side of the street. When they asked him for an ID, he said he didn’t have it on him. One source said that Alec was “calm and quiet,” but that source’s first name is obviously “Alec’s” and their last name is “Publicist,” because that throbbing ass vein isn’t even calm and quiet when he sleeps. He snore yells and punches at the air. But another source said that Alec “went ballistic on the cops, screaming at them.” Now THAT’S the Alec we know. The cops should’ve known it was Alec Baldwin when they asked for his ID and he screamed, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM YOU GOAT-FOOTED DUMB FUCK DYKE SHIT BRAINED COPS. I WISH I HAD AN ID TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!”
TMZ says that Alec was taken to the police station to be properly identified. HA! He was given a ticket for riding the wrong way and for disorderly conduct. Obviously, Hilaria Baldwin wasn’t with him at the time, because if she was she would’ve asked the cops to take a picture of her doing a yoga pose on top of their car for her Instagram account.
Getting a ticket for riding on the wrong side of the street in NYC is dumb and a waste, but if you have the chance to fuck with Alec Baldwin and make the douche water spew out of his ears while he throws a tantrum, you should take it. Besides, Alec deserved to be arrested for wearing that “memaw at a Sunday morning yard sale” visor.
Pro tip: If you haven’t completely numbed your mind yet by injecting pure caffeine into your eyeballs, then skip Alec Baldwin’s “BYE BITCH” essay in New York Magazine and just watch a GIF of him wah-wah-wah-ing on a loop, because that pretty much sums it up. It’s hard out there for an Alec Baldwin.
In a 5 million word essay for a media publication, Alec Baldwin squats and shits on the media (including Anderson Cooper, Harvey Levin and Rachel Maddow) and says that he’s done with the paparazzi-ridden NYC and is moving to the quiet, un-fame-whore-y, private and paparazzi-free land known as Los Angeles. Alec Baldwin moving to L.A. to get away from the paparazzi is like Alec Baldwin saying he’s done with public life by putting a close-up of his face on the cover of a public ass magazine.
Alec starts off by writing that after Harvey Levin of TMZ put the slur “faggot” in his mouth and some labeled him as a goat-footed wheezy old homophobe, he went to Hawaii to do a movie and while he was there he met with two LGBT organizations. They talked about hate speech against gay people and I guess Alec learned a lot, because he called one of them a tranny.
One young man, an F-to-M tranny, said, “Are you here to get dry-cleaned, like Brett Ratner?” Meaning I could do some mea culpa, write them a six-figure check, go to a dinner, sob at the table, give a heartfelt speech, beg for forgiveness. I thought to myself: Beg for forgiveness for something I didn’t do?
I said, “No. I don’t want to get dry-cleaned. I don’t want to be decontaminated by you, Karen Silkwood–wise, scrubbed down. I want to learn about what is hurtful speech in your community. I want to participate in some programs about that. Or underwrite one. And then, like you, I just want to be left alone.”
Alec then goes on to fart about how he’s campaigned for marriage equality and is a strong supporter for the gay community and that he’s far from being a homophobe. Alec says that he never spit out the word “faggot,” but he did call that pap a “cocksucking motherfucker” for following his wife and causing her to fall. After The Silver Fox (whom he calls “ the self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture“) and Andrew Sullivan came after him, MSNBC canceled his show.
In the recent video, you see me completely riled up and going after this guy and you hear me saying “cocksucker” and then some bisyllabic word that sounds like “faggot”—but wasn’t. Still, it doesn’t matter. glaad comes after me and Anderson Cooper comes after me and Andrew Sullivan comes after me, all maintaining that I’m a hateful homophobe. All based on what Harvey Levin told them.
Immediately prior to this, I’d go see Phil (the head of MSNBC) and I’d say, “What are the ratings?” If I had 15 meetings with Phil Griffin, 5 of them were after the show, with me saying, “What do you make of these ratings?” He’d say, “Don’t worry. It takes time.” (We beat Cooper two of three Fridays at ten.) Although he appeared to have some buyer’s remorse, he told me to hang in there. After the TMZ event, he said, “Don’t worry. I have to suspend you. But this will blow over.” I have all the emails to prove it. And then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, MSNBC said, “You’re fired.”
Now, Alec hates the media, is over Manhattan, and is done with public life.
I probably have to move out of New York. I just can’t live in New York anymore. Everything I hated about L.A. I’m beginning to crave. L.A. is a place where you live behind a gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that. But New York has changed. Manhattan is like Beverly Hills. And the soul of New York has moved to Brooklyn, where everything new and exciting seems to be. I have to accept that. I want my newest child to have as normal and decent a life as I can provide. New York doesn’t seem the place for that anymore.
It’s good-bye to public life in the way that you try to communicate with an audience playfully like we’re friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for. Letterman. Saturday Night Live. That kind of thing. I want to go make a movie and be very present for that and give it everything I have, and after we’re done, then the rest of the time is mine. I started out as an actor, where you seek to understand yourself using the words of great writers and collaborating with other creative people. Then I slid into show business, where you seek only an audience’s approval, whether you deserve it or not. I think I want to go back to being an actor now.
There’s a way I could have done things differently. I know that. If I offended anyone along the way, I do apologize. But the solution for me now is: I’ve lived this for 30 years, I’m done with it.
I was going to say that bitch should move to Brooklyn then, but I love Brooklyn too much to wish that upon it. So damn dramatic. Alec really needs to learn from Steven Slater and Inetta the Moodsetta. Keep your goodbye simple and to the point. Let out an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” or slide down the inflatable yellow exit slide while waving. Or Alec could’ve pulled a Shia LaDouche and put a paper bag over his head.
Whatever, let’s all wave goodbye to Alec as he leaves public life. And I hope he’s taking his insufferable, downward dogging fame whore wife with him.
Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.
TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.
Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.”
Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”
In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward. Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”
Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.
Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.
Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.
(Photos via Splash)
The big bag of French-Canadian crazy who was accused of stalking Alec Baldwin after a one-night-fuck with him was found guilty today and sentenced to six months in jail plus another 30 days for acting a loud mess in court. The judge told 41-year-old actress Genevieve Sabourin that she is going to Rikers, because anybody that is crazy enough to stalk Alec Baldwin’s equally-as-crazy ass deserves to be locked up. No, he didn’t tell her that, but he should’ve, because the definition of shame is going to jail for stalking current day Alec Baldwin.
The NYDN says that the judge slapped Genevieve down when he told her that she showed zero respect during the trial and continually harassed Alec for two years after he told her to leave him alone and regularly called the cops on her. After the judge let her know that she’ll spend the next seven months simmering with the sad, tragic fact that she’s in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin, she didn’t apologize and declared her innocence again.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m innocent, so that’s what I have to say. You’re doing a mistake right now.”
Alec Baldwin celebrated the verdict by doing something he does every day: throw verbal shit bombs at the paparazzi.
TMZ has a video of the grumpy human fart in wayfarers chasing after a pap for getting too close to his wife and kid. When the pap gets away, the self-proclaimed non-homophobe walks back to his car and mumbles out “cocksucking fag.”
I guess “cocksucking fag” is the new “toxic little queen” which was the new “goat-footed wheezy old queen.”
This is just Alec Baldwin being the fart-brained piece of dumb grizzled trash that he is. Since when is “cocksucking fag” an insult? He says that like it’s a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Now, calling someone a “non-cocksucking fag” is an insult, because you should never trust a gay guy who doesn’t suck cock.
UPDATE: Alec is crying on Twitter that he didn’t say “fag,” he said “fathead.” Yeah, okay.
If @TMZ asserts that I used an anti-gay epithet, I will sue them.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Acoustic analysis proves the word is fathead. Fathead.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Legal stuff is really confusing. I have a lawyer friend and the only part of his job I understand is the term ‘billable hours’ and that he wears suits all the time. Other than that, his job is a mystery because laws are CONFUSING. I am not one to discuss courtroom drama because, fuck, I barely made it through Legally Blonde, and the only reason I watched Law & Order: SVU was for the possibility of seeing Det. Elliot Stabler shirtless (which accounted for 98% of their viewership, I think). However, I’m really invested in Alec Baldwin’s current stalker trial because it has everything: high drama, tears, the term ‘engagement day’, human fanny packs, Furkels, Blow J. Simpson. NO! But it’s close.
According to The NY Daily News, Alec Baldwin testified in court today against, Genevieve Sabourin, a woman charged with harassment and stalking Baldwin and his wife, Hilaria. Sabourin claims that the two were previously lovers, whereas Baldwin maintains that he only took her out to lunch as a favor to a friend. Either way, their relationship took a turn into Alex Forrest territory:
“Sabourin, 40, is charged with 23 counts of harassment and one count of of stalking. She says Baldwin was her lover and even cheated on Hilaria with her.
“He was seeing me, and he was seeing her,” she said.
Prosecutors contend Sabourin waged a months-long harassment campaign against the “30 Rock” star and bombarded him with 100 creepy emails and texts begging him to marrying her and “conceive a mini Baldwin.”
As Alec Baldwin testified that Genevieve ruined his engagement day with Hilaria, Genevieve made the smart decision to wave her right to behave like a sane person:
“Sabourin began heckling Baldwin almost from the moment he began testifying — even after he got teary-eyed on the stand.
“No! No!” she blurted out as Baldwin described how she flooded his inbox with voice mails that ranged from tearful begging and drunken badgering to steamy sexual come ons.
“Are you crazy!” Sabourin shouted when Baldwin testified that the harassing calls numbered in the hundreds.”
But it didn’t stop at Alec Baldwin. She also had some choice words for Hilaria as well:
“I never spoke to you,” Sabourin screamed. “You’re going to hell, Hilaria. You’re lying.”
Let’s sum up what we know so far:
– Genevive Sabourin is the physical manifestation of Insanity
– Alec Baldwin refers to the day he proposed to Hilaria as an “engagement day” (which is, as we can all agree, fucking stupid)
– Hilaria may or may not be going to hell, but she should pack a suitcase, just in case
COURTROOM BONUS! Here are some of the beautiful courtroom sketches of the trial!
Here we have Alex Baldwin (or Sam Waterston mid-transformation into The Hulk) wiping a totally-sincere and not manufactured tear from his eye, while Genevieve Sabourin gives serious ‘I’m on to you, trick‘ side-eye.
And here we have Alex Baldwin daydreaming of rude thoughtless little pigs, Genevieve Sabourin two seconds away from getting her ass tazed (even I know it’s a bad idea to jump up and verbally assault the person pressing charges against you), and a judge who looks like Stephen Hawking doing his best Night Court-era Harry Anderson.
One thing is for sure; this dramatic shit would NOT fly in the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin.