Category: Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father Again

January 1, 2015 / Posted by:

2015 has spit up its first surprise into our faces. I mean, I didn’t know it was possible for attention whore yogini Hilaria Baldwin to take a picture without doing a yoga pose on some kind of inanimate object. Usually when I look at one of Hilaria’s Instagram pictures, my third eye rolls all the way, but this picture made it roll only a little. Consider me shocked.

Today, 30-year-old Hilaria Baldwin announced on Instagram that she’s knocked up with 56-year-old Alec Baldwin’s third kid and her second one. Hilaria posted this picture of their 16-month-old daughter Carmen Gabriela knocking on her mom’s fetus dome while thinking, “Stay in there as long as you can, kid, because as soon as you come out, mom’s going to use you as a yoga prop.” Hilaria threw up this note with the picture:

The sun has set on 2014 and on my year of daily #hilariaypd ….2015 is going to be very exciting as we are thrilled to announce we are expecting another little addition to our family! (tadasana) #yogapostureoftheday

Wait, so she IS doing a yoga pose there? Well, there rolls my third eye. Bitchiness aside, congratulations to Hilaria for securing herself double the amount in future child support  payments and congratulations to Alec, because soon he’ll have another little late in life baby he can parade around Nantucket (copyright: Bianca from 30 Rock). And I’m just going to let myself believe that little white dog is ruining their cute family moment by taking a shit in the sand. That dog is my first hero of 2015.

Pic: Instagram


Gary Oldman Thinks All The PC Bitches Out There Need To Get Over Mel Gibson’s Anti-Semitic Rant

June 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Gary Oldman has a lot of burning feelings about everyone coming at Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin, and during an interview with Playboy, the lid on those feelings was pulled off and he exploded. Sirius Black squatted and shat on the PC Police and ranted about Hollywood hypocrites blacklisting Mad Mel and he also had some thoughts about 12 Years a Slave winning the Oscar for Best Picture. Gary goes off.

Gary’s Playboy interview doesn’t come out until Friday, but The Daily Mail threw up the greatest hits from his messy, messy rant. Gary says that the world needs to pull the PC stick out of its ass and learn how to take a joke. When Mel Gibson said that “Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world,” we should’ve laughed and given him his own HBO comedy special since he’s a real comedian. Gary says that all those Hollywood Jews who refused to work with Mad Mel are hypocrite whores since he’s sure they’ve told Germans to fuck off and the cops who arrested Mad Mel are probably not so innocent since he’s sure they’ve spit out a racial slur or two. Take it away, Gary:

I just think political correctness is crap. That’s what I think about it. I think it’s like, take a fucking joke. Get over it.

I don’t know about Mel. He got drunk and said a few things, but we’ve all said those things. We’re all fucking hypocrites. That’s what I think about it. The policeman who arrested him has never used the word nigger or that fucking Jew? I’m being brutally honest here. It’s the hypocrisy of it that drives me crazy. Or maybe I should just strike that and say “the N word” and “the F word.

Mel Gibson is in a town that’s run by Jews and he said the wrong thing because he’s actually bitten the hand that I guess has fed him – and doesn’t need to feed him anymore because he’s got enough dough.He’s like an outcast, a leper, you know? But some Jewish guy in his office somewhere hasn’t turned and said, “That fucking kraut” or “Fuck those Germans,” whatever it is? We all hide and try to be so politically correct. That’s what gets me.

As Playboy’s interviewer got the drips and tried to contain their excitement over how many hits this messy, messy rant is going to get, Gary kept going and defended Alec Baldwin.

Alec calling someone an F-A-G in the street while he’s pissed off coming out of his building because they won’t leave him alone. I don’t blame him. So they persecute.

And he kept going:

Well, if I called Nancy Pelosi a cunt — and I’ll go one better, a fucking useless cunt— I can’t really say that. But Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can, and nobody’s going to stop them from working because of it. Bill Maher could call someone a fag and get away with it. He said to Seth MacFarlane this year, “I thought you were going to do the Oscars again. Instead they got a lesbian.” He can say something like that. Is that more or less offensive than Alec Baldwin saying to someone in the street, “You fag”? I don’t get it.

And going:

At the Oscars, if you didn’t vote for 12 Years a Slave you were a racist. You have to be very careful about what you say. I do have particular views and opinions that most of this town doesn’t share, but it’s not like I’m a fascist or a racist. There’s nothing like that in my history.

Finally, Gary said that just because he’s defending two throbbing ass warts who are known for spewing out slurs doesn’t make him a bigot or a racist. Gary is just sick of all the hypocrisy and if someone screams “faggot nigger cunt” in the streets, none of us should say shit since we all say it.

No, but I’m defending all the wrong people. I’m saying Mel’s all right, Alec’s a good guy. So how do I come across? Angry? It’s dishonesty that frustrates me most. I can’t bear double standards. It gets under my skin more than anything.

Insert approximately one billion YouMad.jpegs here.

What in the fuck? Batman, come and get your bitch. I tried to see what Gary Oldman was saying, but then he completely lost me when he said that Mel Gibson’s all right. Anyone that says Mel Gibson is all right is not all right in the head and their family members should look into a 5150 situation. Oh, Gary Oldman, living up to your last name, I see. Gary Oldman is that old, crusty drunk white grandpa ranting about how he misses the good old days when we could slap anyone with a slur without the goddamn PC Police getting on our asses.

And Gary’s seriously method, so maybe when he did this interview he was in the middle of preparing for his role in Lifetime’s Sugar Tits & Jacuzzi Blow Jobs: The Mel Gibson Story.

Alec Baldwin Busted In NYC

May 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Alec Baldwin was put into handcuffs in NYC this morning and what’s really shocking is that he wasn’t busted for tearing out the throat of a paparazzo with his teeth after calling him a toxic cocksucking charlatan queen pig. Alec was arrested for the most boring and dumbest thing ever. He was arrested for riding his bike on the wrong side of the street and not having an ID. The Baldwin family refused to comment on this, because they are too busy hanging their heads in shame. A true Baldwin only gets busted for real hood rat stuff like DUIs and pap beating.

InTouch Weekly says that two cops pulled over his bike after he rode on the wrong side of the street. When they asked him for an ID, he said he didn’t have it on him. One source said that Alec was “calm and quiet,” but that source’s first name is obviously “Alec’s” and their last name is “Publicist,” because that throbbing ass vein isn’t even calm and quiet when he sleeps. He snore yells and punches at the air. But another source said that Alec “went ballistic on the cops, screaming at them.” Now THAT’S the Alec we know. The cops should’ve known it was Alec Baldwin when they asked for his ID and he screamed, “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM YOU GOAT-FOOTED DUMB FUCK DYKE SHIT BRAINED COPS. I WISH I HAD AN ID TO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!”

TMZ says that Alec was taken to the police station to be properly identified. HA! He was given a ticket for riding the wrong way and for disorderly conduct. Obviously, Hilaria Baldwin wasn’t with him at the time, because if she was she would’ve asked the cops to take a picture of her doing a yoga pose on top of their car for her Instagram account.

Getting a ticket for riding on the wrong side of the street in NYC is dumb and a waste, but if you have the chance to fuck with Alec Baldwin and make the douche water spew out of his ears while he throws a tantrum, you should take it. Besides, Alec deserved to be arrested for wearing that “memaw at a Sunday morning yard sale” visor.

Alec Baldwin Announces He’s Quitting Public Life With A Long Ass Essay In New York Magazine

February 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Pro tip: If you haven’t completely numbed your mind yet by injecting pure caffeine into your eyeballs, then skip Alec Baldwin’s “BYE BITCH” essay in New York Magazine and just watch a GIF of him wah-wah-wah-ing on a loop, because that pretty much sums it up. It’s hard out there for an Alec Baldwin.

In a 5 million word essay for a media publication, Alec Baldwin squats and shits on the media (including Anderson Cooper, Harvey Levin and Rachel Maddow) and says that he’s done with the paparazzi-ridden NYC and is moving to the quiet, un-fame-whore-y, private and paparazzi-free land known as Los Angeles. Alec Baldwin moving to L.A. to get away from the paparazzi is like Alec Baldwin saying he’s done with public life by putting a close-up of his face on the cover of a public ass magazine.

Alec starts off by writing that after Harvey Levin of TMZ put the slur “faggot” in his mouth and some labeled him as a goat-footed wheezy old homophobe, he went to Hawaii to do a movie and while he was there he met with two LGBT organizations. They talked about hate speech against gay people and I guess Alec learned a lot, because he called one of them a tranny.

One young man, an F-to-M tranny, said, “Are you here to get dry-cleaned, like Brett Ratner?” Meaning I could do some mea culpa, write them a six-figure check, go to a dinner, sob at the table, give a heartfelt speech, beg for forgiveness. I thought to myself: Beg for forgiveness for something I didn’t do?

I said, “No. I don’t want to get dry-cleaned. I don’t want to be decontaminated by you, Karen Silkwood–wise, scrubbed down. I want to learn about what is hurtful speech in your community. I want to participate in some programs about that. Or underwrite one. And then, like you, I just want to be left alone.”

Alec then goes on to fart about how he’s campaigned for marriage equality and is a strong supporter for the gay community and that he’s far from being a homophobe. Alec says that he never spit out the word “faggot,” but he did call that pap a “cocksucking motherfucker” for following his wife and causing her to fall. After The Silver Fox (whom he calls “ the self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture“) and Andrew Sullivan came after him, MSNBC canceled his show.

In the recent video, you see me completely riled up and going after this guy and you hear me saying “cocksucker” and then some bisyllabic word that sounds like “faggot”—but wasn’t. Still, it doesn’t matter. glaad comes after me and Anderson Cooper comes after me and Andrew Sullivan comes after me, all maintaining that I’m a hateful homophobe. All based on what Harvey Levin told them.

Immediately prior to this, I’d go see Phil (the head of MSNBC) and I’d say, “What are the ratings?” If I had 15 meetings with Phil Griffin, 5 of them were after the show, with me saying, “What do you make of these ratings?” He’d say, “Don’t worry. It takes time.” (We beat Cooper two of three Fridays at ten.) Although he appeared to have some buyer’s remorse, he told me to hang in there. After the TMZ event, he said, “Don’t worry. I have to suspend you. But this will blow over.” I have all the emails to prove it. And then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, MSNBC said, “You’re fired.”

Now, Alec hates the media, is over Manhattan, and is done with public life.

I probably have to move out of New York. I just can’t live in New York anymore. Everything I hated about L.A. I’m beginning to crave. L.A. is a place where you live behind a gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that. But New York has changed. Manhattan is like Beverly Hills. And the soul of New York has moved to Brooklyn, where everything new and exciting seems to be. I have to accept that. I want my newest child to have as normal and decent a life as I can provide. New York doesn’t seem the place for that anymore.

It’s good-bye to public life in the way that you try to communicate with an audience playfully like we’re friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for. Letterman. Saturday Night Live. That kind of thing. I want to go make a movie and be very present for that and give it everything I have, and after we’re done, then the rest of the time is mine. I started out as an actor, where you seek to understand yourself using the words of great writers and collaborating with other creative people. Then I slid into show business, where you seek only an audience’s approval, whether you deserve it or not. I think I want to go back to being an actor now.

There’s a way I could have done things differently. I know that. If I offended anyone along the way, I do apologize. But the solution for me now is: I’ve lived this for 30 years, I’m done with it.

I was going to say that bitch should move to Brooklyn then, but I love Brooklyn too much to wish that upon it. So damn dramatic. Alec really needs to learn from Steven Slater and Inetta the Moodsetta. Keep your goodbye simple and to the point. Let out an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” or slide down the inflatable yellow exit slide while waving. Or Alec could’ve pulled a Shia LaDouche and put a paper bag over his head.

Whatever, let’s all wave goodbye to Alec as he leaves public life. And I hope he’s taking his insufferable, downward dogging fame whore wife with him.


Pic: Instagram

Alec Baldwin Apologizes For Homophobic Slur After His MSNBC Show Is Suspended

November 16, 2013 / Posted by:

Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.

TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.

Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.” 

Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”

In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward.  Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”

Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.

Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.

Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.

(Photos via Splash)

Alec Baldwin Calls A Pap A “Cocksucking Fag” After His Stalker Gets Seven Months In Prison (UPDATE)

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

The big bag of French-Canadian crazy who was accused of stalking Alec Baldwin after a one-night-fuck with him was found guilty today and sentenced to six months in jail plus another 30 days for acting a loud mess in court. The judge told 41-year-old actress Genevieve Sabourin that she is going to Rikers, because anybody that is crazy enough to stalk Alec Baldwin’s equally-as-crazy ass deserves to be locked up. No, he didn’t tell her that, but he should’ve, because the definition of shame is going to jail for stalking current day Alec Baldwin.

The NYDN says that the judge slapped Genevieve down when he told her that she showed zero respect during the trial and continually harassed Alec for two years after he told her to leave him alone and regularly called the cops on her. After the judge let her know that she’ll spend the next seven months simmering with the sad, tragic fact that she’s in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin, she didn’t apologize and declared her innocence again.

“I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m innocent, so that’s what I have to say. You’re doing a mistake right now.”

Alec Baldwin celebrated the verdict by doing something he does every day: throw verbal shit bombs at the paparazzi.

TMZ has a video of the grumpy human fart in wayfarers chasing after a pap for getting too close to his wife and kid. When the pap gets away, the self-proclaimed non-homophobe walks back to his car and mumbles out “cocksucking fag.”

I guess “cocksucking fag” is the new “toxic little queen” which was the new “goat-footed wheezy old queen.”

This is just Alec Baldwin being the fart-brained piece of dumb grizzled trash that he is. Since when is “cocksucking fag” an insult? He says that like it’s a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Now, calling someone a “non-cocksucking fag” is an insult, because you should never trust a gay guy who doesn’t suck cock.

UPDATE: Alec is crying on Twitter that he didn’t say “fag,” he said “fathead.” Yeah, okay.

Pics: Splash

Everything You Need To Know About The Alec Baldwin Stalker Trial

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Legal stuff is really confusing. I have a lawyer friend and the only part of his job I understand is the term ‘billable hours’ and that he wears suits all the time. Other than that, his job is a mystery because laws are CONFUSING. I am not one to discuss courtroom drama because, fuck, I barely made it through Legally Blonde, and the only reason I watched Law & Order: SVU was for the possibility of seeing Det. Elliot Stabler shirtless (which accounted for 98% of their viewership, I think). However, I’m really invested in Alec Baldwin’s current stalker trial because it has everything: high drama, tears, the term ‘engagement day’, human fanny packs, Furkels, Blow J. Simpson. NO! But it’s close.

According to The NY Daily News, Alec Baldwin testified in court today against, Genevieve Sabourin, a woman charged with harassment and stalking Baldwin and his wife, Hilaria. Sabourin claims that the two were previously lovers, whereas Baldwin maintains that he only took her out to lunch as a favor to a friend. Either way, their relationship took a turn into Alex Forrest territory:

“Sabourin, 40, is charged with 23 counts of harassment and one count of of stalking. She says Baldwin was her lover and even cheated on Hilaria with her.

“He was seeing me, and he was seeing her,” she said.

Prosecutors contend Sabourin waged a months-long harassment campaign against the “30 Rock” star and bombarded him with 100 creepy emails and texts begging him to marrying her and “conceive a mini Baldwin.”

As Alec Baldwin testified that Genevieve ruined his engagement day with Hilaria, Genevieve made the smart decision to wave her right to behave like a sane person:

“Sabourin began heckling Baldwin almost from the moment he began testifying — even after he got teary-eyed on the stand.
“No! No!” she blurted out as Baldwin described how she flooded his inbox with voice mails that ranged from tearful begging and drunken badgering to steamy sexual come ons.

“Are you crazy!” Sabourin shouted when Baldwin testified that the harassing calls numbered in the hundreds.”

But it didn’t stop at Alec Baldwin. She also had some choice words for Hilaria as well:

“I never spoke to you,” Sabourin screamed. “You’re going to hell, Hilaria. You’re lying.”

Let’s sum up what we know so far:
- Genevive Sabourin is the physical manifestation of Insanity
- Alec Baldwin refers to the day he proposed to Hilaria as an “engagement day” (which is, as we can all agree, fucking stupid)
- Hilaria may or may not be going to hell, but she should pack a suitcase, just in case

COURTROOM BONUS! Here are some of the beautiful courtroom sketches of the trial!


Here we have Alex Baldwin (or Sam Waterston mid-transformation into The Hulk) wiping a totally-sincere and not manufactured tear from his eye, while Genevieve Sabourin gives serious ‘I’m on to you, trick‘ side-eye.


And here we have Alex Baldwin daydreaming of rude thoughtless little pigs, Genevieve Sabourin two seconds away from getting her ass tazed (even I know it’s a bad idea to jump up and verbally assault the person pressing charges against you), and a judge who looks like Stephen Hawking doing his best Night Court-era Harry Anderson.

One thing is for sure; this dramatic shit would NOT fly in the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. 

(Pics via Splash, NY Daily News)

Take Your Lemon Party Inside, You Two!

August 27, 2013 / Posted by:

The never-ending sexual tension between Alec Baldwin and the paps once again reached a fever pitch today when he threw one on a car and took him right then and there in front of everyone.

The NYDN says that Alec and his wife Hilaria Baldwin, who gave birth to their daughter about three seconds ago, were walking around in their neighborhood in Manhattan when a paparazzo started asking her a bunch of questions. Hilaria ran into a tea shop to get away from the pap and Alec did what he does best, go after that trick. The East Coast Kanye called the cops before grabbing and pinning the pap to the hood of a parked car. There they were, two grown men, huffing and puffing while one of them was bent over a car. Why is it when two grown men are dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public, it’s never the two grown men I want to see dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public?

The police showed up and Alec told them his side and so did the pap. They both admitted to shoving each other, so nobody was arrested and no charges will be filed. They both went their separate ways knowing that one day soon they’ll finish what they started on the hood of that parked car.

Pics: Splash

Alec Baldwin Is Somebody’s Father Again

August 23, 2013 / Posted by:

A bunch of nurses and doctors all held their breaths and started dialing CPS today when Alec Baldwin held his newborn daughter in his arms and cooed into her ear, “Welcome the world, you ruuuuuby ball of adorableness.” Like Alec is really going to call a newborn a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” He’s going to at least wait until the kid is 5 or until she actually knows what “rude, thoughtless little pig” means.

55-year-old Alec Baldwin and his 29-year-old wife Hilaria Baldwin are parents to a brand new baby friend they named Carmen Gabriela Baldwin. Carmen is Hilaria’s first kid and Alec’s second. Hilaria gave birth in NYC today and a quick second after a human was pulled out of her body, she tweeted this:

I like the name Carmen, but I really thought that Alec was going to name her Queen.


Alec Baldwin Is Forever Done With Twitter And Wants To Quit Acting

July 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.

At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.

Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.

I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!)  in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.

If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.

Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:

I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.

So is he really quitting acting?

I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.

I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.

Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.

Pics: Splash,

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