Pro tip: If you haven’t completely numbed your mind yet by injecting pure caffeine into your eyeballs, then skip Alec Baldwin’s “BYE BITCH” essay in New York Magazine and just watch a GIF of him wah-wah-wah-ing on a loop, because that pretty much sums it up. It’s hard out there for an Alec Baldwin.
In a 5 million word essay for a media publication, Alec Baldwin squats and shits on the media (including Anderson Cooper, Harvey Levin and Rachel Maddow) and says that he’s done with the paparazzi-ridden NYC and is moving to the quiet, un-fame-whore-y, private and paparazzi-free land known as Los Angeles. Alec Baldwin moving to L.A. to get away from the paparazzi is like Alec Baldwin saying he’s done with public life by putting a close-up of his face on the cover of a public ass magazine.
Alec starts off by writing that after Harvey Levin of TMZ put the slur “faggot” in his mouth and some labeled him as a goat-footed wheezy old homophobe, he went to Hawaii to do a movie and while he was there he met with two LGBT organizations. They talked about hate speech against gay people and I guess Alec learned a lot, because he called one of them a tranny.
One young man, an F-to-M tranny, said, “Are you here to get dry-cleaned, like Brett Ratner?” Meaning I could do some mea culpa, write them a six-figure check, go to a dinner, sob at the table, give a heartfelt speech, beg for forgiveness. I thought to myself: Beg for forgiveness for something I didn’t do?
I said, “No. I don’t want to get dry-cleaned. I don’t want to be decontaminated by you, Karen Silkwood–wise, scrubbed down. I want to learn about what is hurtful speech in your community. I want to participate in some programs about that. Or underwrite one. And then, like you, I just want to be left alone.”
Alec then goes on to fart about how he’s campaigned for marriage equality and is a strong supporter for the gay community and that he’s far from being a homophobe. Alec says that he never spit out the word “faggot,” but he did call that pap a “cocksucking motherfucker” for following his wife and causing her to fall. After The Silver Fox (whom he calls “ the self-appointed Jack Valenti of gay media culture“) and Andrew Sullivan came after him, MSNBC canceled his show.
In the recent video, you see me completely riled up and going after this guy and you hear me saying “cocksucker” and then some bisyllabic word that sounds like “faggot”—but wasn’t. Still, it doesn’t matter. glaad comes after me and Anderson Cooper comes after me and Andrew Sullivan comes after me, all maintaining that I’m a hateful homophobe. All based on what Harvey Levin told them.
Immediately prior to this, I’d go see Phil (the head of MSNBC) and I’d say, “What are the ratings?” If I had 15 meetings with Phil Griffin, 5 of them were after the show, with me saying, “What do you make of these ratings?” He’d say, “Don’t worry. It takes time.” (We beat Cooper two of three Fridays at ten.) Although he appeared to have some buyer’s remorse, he told me to hang in there. After the TMZ event, he said, “Don’t worry. I have to suspend you. But this will blow over.” I have all the emails to prove it. And then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, MSNBC said, “You’re fired.”
Now, Alec hates the media, is over Manhattan, and is done with public life.
I probably have to move out of New York. I just can’t live in New York anymore. Everything I hated about L.A. I’m beginning to crave. L.A. is a place where you live behind a gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that. But New York has changed. Manhattan is like Beverly Hills. And the soul of New York has moved to Brooklyn, where everything new and exciting seems to be. I have to accept that. I want my newest child to have as normal and decent a life as I can provide. New York doesn’t seem the place for that anymore.
It’s good-bye to public life in the way that you try to communicate with an audience playfully like we’re friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for. Letterman. Saturday Night Live. That kind of thing. I want to go make a movie and be very present for that and give it everything I have, and after we’re done, then the rest of the time is mine. I started out as an actor, where you seek to understand yourself using the words of great writers and collaborating with other creative people. Then I slid into show business, where you seek only an audience’s approval, whether you deserve it or not. I think I want to go back to being an actor now.
There’s a way I could have done things differently. I know that. If I offended anyone along the way, I do apologize. But the solution for me now is: I’ve lived this for 30 years, I’m done with it.
I was going to say that bitch should move to Brooklyn then, but I love Brooklyn too much to wish that upon it. So damn dramatic. Alec really needs to learn from Steven Slater and Inetta the Moodsetta. Keep your goodbye simple and to the point. Let out an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” or slide down the inflatable yellow exit slide while waving. Or Alec could’ve pulled a Shia LaDouche and put a paper bag over his head.
Whatever, let’s all wave goodbye to Alec as he leaves public life. And I hope he’s taking his insufferable, downward dogging fame whore wife with him.
Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.
TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.
Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.”
Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”
In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward. Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”
Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.
Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.
Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.
(Photos via Splash)
The big bag of French-Canadian crazy who was accused of stalking Alec Baldwin after a one-night-fuck with him was found guilty today and sentenced to six months in jail plus another 30 days for acting a loud mess in court. The judge told 41-year-old actress Genevieve Sabourin that she is going to Rikers, because anybody that is crazy enough to stalk Alec Baldwin’s equally-as-crazy ass deserves to be locked up. No, he didn’t tell her that, but he should’ve, because the definition of shame is going to jail for stalking current day Alec Baldwin.
The NYDN says that the judge slapped Genevieve down when he told her that she showed zero respect during the trial and continually harassed Alec for two years after he told her to leave him alone and regularly called the cops on her. After the judge let her know that she’ll spend the next seven months simmering with the sad, tragic fact that she’s in jail for stalking Alec Baldwin, she didn’t apologize and declared her innocence again.
“I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m innocent, so that’s what I have to say. You’re doing a mistake right now.”
Alec Baldwin celebrated the verdict by doing something he does every day: throw verbal shit bombs at the paparazzi.
TMZ has a video of the grumpy human fart in wayfarers chasing after a pap for getting too close to his wife and kid. When the pap gets away, the self-proclaimed non-homophobe walks back to his car and mumbles out “cocksucking fag.”
I guess “cocksucking fag” is the new “toxic little queen” which was the new “goat-footed wheezy old queen.”
This is just Alec Baldwin being the fart-brained piece of dumb grizzled trash that he is. Since when is “cocksucking fag” an insult? He says that like it’s a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing. Now, calling someone a “non-cocksucking fag” is an insult, because you should never trust a gay guy who doesn’t suck cock.
UPDATE: Alec is crying on Twitter that he didn’t say “fag,” he said “fathead.” Yeah, okay.
If @TMZ asserts that I used an anti-gay epithet, I will sue them.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Acoustic analysis proves the word is fathead. Fathead.
— ABFoundation (@ABFalecbaldwin) November 14, 2013
Legal stuff is really confusing. I have a lawyer friend and the only part of his job I understand is the term ‘billable hours’ and that he wears suits all the time. Other than that, his job is a mystery because laws are CONFUSING. I am not one to discuss courtroom drama because, fuck, I barely made it through Legally Blonde, and the only reason I watched Law & Order: SVU was for the possibility of seeing Det. Elliot Stabler shirtless (which accounted for 98% of their viewership, I think). However, I’m really invested in Alec Baldwin’s current stalker trial because it has everything: high drama, tears, the term ‘engagement day’, human fanny packs, Furkels, Blow J. Simpson. NO! But it’s close.
According to The NY Daily News, Alec Baldwin testified in court today against, Genevieve Sabourin, a woman charged with harassment and stalking Baldwin and his wife, Hilaria. Sabourin claims that the two were previously lovers, whereas Baldwin maintains that he only took her out to lunch as a favor to a friend. Either way, their relationship took a turn into Alex Forrest territory:
“Sabourin, 40, is charged with 23 counts of harassment and one count of of stalking. She says Baldwin was her lover and even cheated on Hilaria with her.
“He was seeing me, and he was seeing her,” she said.
Prosecutors contend Sabourin waged a months-long harassment campaign against the “30 Rock” star and bombarded him with 100 creepy emails and texts begging him to marrying her and “conceive a mini Baldwin.”
As Alec Baldwin testified that Genevieve ruined his engagement day with Hilaria, Genevieve made the smart decision to wave her right to behave like a sane person:
“Sabourin began heckling Baldwin almost from the moment he began testifying — even after he got teary-eyed on the stand.
“No! No!” she blurted out as Baldwin described how she flooded his inbox with voice mails that ranged from tearful begging and drunken badgering to steamy sexual come ons.
“Are you crazy!” Sabourin shouted when Baldwin testified that the harassing calls numbered in the hundreds.”
But it didn’t stop at Alec Baldwin. She also had some choice words for Hilaria as well:
“I never spoke to you,” Sabourin screamed. “You’re going to hell, Hilaria. You’re lying.”
Let’s sum up what we know so far:
- Genevive Sabourin is the physical manifestation of Insanity
- Alec Baldwin refers to the day he proposed to Hilaria as an “engagement day” (which is, as we can all agree, fucking stupid)
- Hilaria may or may not be going to hell, but she should pack a suitcase, just in case
COURTROOM BONUS! Here are some of the beautiful courtroom sketches of the trial!
Here we have Alex Baldwin (or Sam Waterston mid-transformation into The Hulk) wiping a totally-sincere and not manufactured tear from his eye, while Genevieve Sabourin gives serious ‘I’m on to you, trick‘ side-eye.
And here we have Alex Baldwin daydreaming of rude thoughtless little pigs, Genevieve Sabourin two seconds away from getting her ass tazed (even I know it’s a bad idea to jump up and verbally assault the person pressing charges against you), and a judge who looks like Stephen Hawking doing his best Night Court-era Harry Anderson.
One thing is for sure; this dramatic shit would NOT fly in the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin.
The never-ending sexual tension between Alec Baldwin and the paps once again reached a fever pitch today when he threw one on a car and took him right then and there in front of everyone.
The NYDN says that Alec and his wife Hilaria Baldwin, who gave birth to their daughter about three seconds ago, were walking around in their neighborhood in Manhattan when a paparazzo started asking her a bunch of questions. Hilaria ran into a tea shop to get away from the pap and Alec did what he does best, go after that trick. The East Coast Kanye called the cops before grabbing and pinning the pap to the hood of a parked car. There they were, two grown men, huffing and puffing while one of them was bent over a car. Why is it when two grown men are dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public, it’s never the two grown men I want to see dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public?
The police showed up and Alec told them his side and so did the pap. They both admitted to shoving each other, so nobody was arrested and no charges will be filed. They both went their separate ways knowing that one day soon they’ll finish what they started on the hood of that parked car.
A bunch of nurses and doctors all held their breaths and started dialing CPS today when Alec Baldwin held his newborn daughter in his arms and cooed into her ear, “Welcome the world, you ruuuuuby ball of adorableness.” Like Alec is really going to call a newborn a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” He’s going to at least wait until the kid is 5 or until she actually knows what “rude, thoughtless little pig” means.
55-year-old Alec Baldwin and his 29-year-old wife Hilaria Baldwin are parents to a brand new baby friend they named Carmen Gabriela Baldwin. Carmen is Hilaria’s first kid and Alec’s second. Hilaria gave birth in NYC today and a quick second after a human was pulled out of her body, she tweeted this:
— Hilaria Baldwin (@hilariabaldwin) August 23, 2013
I like the name Carmen, but I really thought that Alec was going to name her Queen.
Poor, poor Alec Baldwin. Everybody is out to get him and as driven him away from Twitter and is driving his ass away from acting. Alec buried his Twitter account for good last week after a “toxic little queen” from The Daily Mail falsely claimed that his wife Hilaria Baldwin was tweeting about dumb shit during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Alec also quit Twitter because it’s kind of hard to to tweet when both of your hands are nailed to the cross. Even @itsjesusbitch couldn’t’ do it.
At the opening of the Rock Paper Photo collection, which Alec “curated,” in NYC last night, Vanity Fair asked him if he’s ever going to make a grand return to Twatter and he said that he had a Twitter revelation while at James Gandolfini’s funeral.
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink (Ed. note: RACIST!) in your armor for people to come and kill you. I stopped and said to myself, I’m going to try where I just don’t do this anymore.
If Twitter is on your brain while you’re at your friend’s funeral, you’re doing memorializing wrong. THIS BITCH’s finger is probably hovering over the reactivate button right now. Twitter’s least favorite cranky bitch old uncle will be back.
Alec went on to say that he’d really love to take his final bow and quit the acting game forever:
I’m having a baby. And everyone has seen how certain things have played out with my daughter, which as been very painful—it’s been really unpleasant. That has consequences, and I do not want that to happen with my next child. I have one dream in my life and that is that this daughter I’m having—she comes to me about seven or eight years from now, she has a friend, and she’s at her house and she says, “Daddy, Susie’s mom says you used to be on TV. Daddy, is that true?” She has no knowledge of me as a public person. That would be heaven for me.
So is he really quitting acting?
I’d love to if I could, yeah. That would be the greatest thing in the world.
I see what Alec is doing here. He’s doing what I do when a boyfriend dumps my ass and kicks me out when I don’t want to be dumped or kicked out. You know, I scream about how I’m so happy he finally freed me from his dumb ass and then I slowly (really slowly) pack my stuff while telling him that he better not try to stop me and I’m totally leaving forever and I’m changing my number but I’m changing it tomorrow so if he wants to call me he better call tonight but I probably won’t answer the phone and I’m really leaving this time but I have to take a shower for the road first and I’m going to leave the bathroom door unlocked in case he wants to come in and apologize to me and I’m really leaving after that. Meanwhile, he’s just standing there holding the front door for me.
Alec is not done with Twitter and he’s not done with acting. If he quit acting and moved to the middle of nowhere, he wouldn’t have any paps to scream at and he wouldn’t be able to call Daily Mail writers “toxic little queens” on Twitter when they write some fake story about his trophy wife. Screaming at bitches is Alec’s oxygen.
Alec Baldwin went full Alec Baldwin last night when he barfed out a thick stream of Twitterrhea at the Daily Mail’s George Stark after they accused his yoga teacher turned Extra reporter (???) Hilaria Baldwin of tweeting during James Gandolfini’s funeral. Since Alec calls every dude he’s mad at a “queen,” he called George a “toxic little queen” and said that he would stick his foot up George’s ass, but George would probably like it too much. Some stamped the word HOMOPHOBE in red on Alec’s forehead and screamed at Capital One to fire him, rebuke all his miles and cut up all his cards. When GLAAD asked Alec for explanation, he told those shifty shady queens to stop sticking their noses up his asshole even though he knows they really, really love it. No, Alec said that he’s not a homophobe:
“My ill-advised attack on George Stark of the Daily Mail had absolutely nothing to do with issues of anyone’s sexual orientation. My anger was directed at Mr. Stark for blatantly lying and disseminating libelous information about my wife and her conduct at our friend’s funeral service. As someone who fights against homophobia, I apologize.”
GLAAD gently slapped Alec on the wrist and told him that they’re disappointed, but as long as he keeps coming to their parties and dropping their name, they’ll love him forever.
Alec also told Gothamist that he doesn’t understand why some are saying that “queen” is an anti-gay slur, because to him anybody can be a queen. A chick can be a queen, a straight dude can be a queen and an animal can be a queen. If your cat is acting uppity, call it a vicious little snobby queen.
“Number two, the idea of me calling this guy a “‘queen’ and that being something that people thought is homophobic…a queen to me has a different meaning. It’s somebody who’s just above. It doesn’t have any necessarily sexual connotations. To me a queen… I know women that act queeny, I know men that are straight that act queeny, and I know gay men that act queeny. It doesn’t have to be a definite sexual connotation, or a homophobic connotation. To me those are people who think the rules don’t apply to them. This guy could blatantly lie, I mean blatantly lie about my wife on the internet and there are just no rules that apply to him, but that’s outrageous to me.”
Thanks for the lesson, Alec. Based on what Alec says, I guess he’s the supreme messy queen of all messy queens. And somewhere, Shia LaDouche is picking the fleas out of his beard while saying, “I tried to tell all of you whores. I tried to tell you!”
And the Daily Mail admitted they made a mistake (well, they blamed it on a Twitter glitch), apologized to Alec and also said that they’re waiting for him to apologize to them. Ha. I love those toxic little queens at the Daily Mail. They really know how to pore the salt on Alec’s throbbing b-hole of rage.
Here’s Alec and Hilarious Baldwin at the opening of The Unavoidable Disappearance of Tom Durnin in NYC last night.
While wearing Demi Moore’s old crotch shrub on his face and neck, Shia LaBeouf went on The Late Show last night to promote some movie and he had to a few words to say about the douche fight with Alec Baldwin that got him fired from the Broadway play Orphans. During the first week of rehearsals, Shia rubbed Alec the wrong way and vice versa, and since nobody likes the smell of hemorrhoid friction, LaDouche was fired. Shia then released a bunch of emails between him, the director, the producer and the cast. David Letterman asked Shia about the feud last night and he kind of sort of explained it.
Letterman: So why did you get fired?
Shia: I think because me and Alec had tension as men, not as artists, but as men. That became a hard thing to deal with. When you’ve got tension as men, that’s tough till July. It’s cool for increments, but I think to do that for a long period of time would be tough.
Letterman: Had you known Alec before?
Shia: I met Alec briefly before we started.
Letterman: How would you describe your relationship with him now?
Shia: I hope it’s pretty good. He’s a great actor and I wish him the best of luck.
Letterman: Now can I suggest a couple scenarios? Alec went to the producers and said, ‘I can’t take it another day, fire him.’
Shia: I think that might’ve been what happened.
Letterman: Really? No, I just made that up.
Manly tension? What kind of prehistoric age shit? Shia makes it sound like he and Alec grunted at each other, bumped chests and then had a contest to see who could club and bring back the woman with the biggest child bearing hips. (Actually, that’s exactly what happened, I’m sure). But seriously, manly tension is the best kind of tension. Shia and Alec just didn’t know how to handle it. When you’ve got too much manly tension in the room, bring out the lube (or the jar of cooking grease from under your kitchen sink), clean out your asses and lay down the plastic tarp. Break that tension on each other’s butts. Tom Cruise knows what I’m talking about, because it’s how he handles all disputes with other men.
Right after the producers of the Broadway play Orphans flushed down the turd from their lives by firing Shia LaDouche for being Shia LaDouche, he tweeted screen shots of a bunch of e-mails between him and the cast and crew including one where he plagiarized an Esquire article. Alec Baldwin isn’t the one to keep his lips shut about fuckery like this, so pulled off his leather gloves finger by finger and slapped Shia’s face back and forth for being a know-it-all theater bitch. Here’s what Alec said about Shia to Vulture yesterday:
“I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks.”
With that, Shia should’ve taken his bow, exited stage left and continued on with his Lean Cuisine of a movie career, but since his nipples get hard from screwing with Alec Baldwin, he’s keeping the foolery going. This morning, Shia tweeted screen shots of e-mails between him and the play’s director Daniel Sullivan as well as e-mails between him and Alec. Here’s one that Daniel Sullivan supposedly sent to Shia on February 10th:
“Don’t be too surprised if Alec doesn’t look up from his script much for the first few days. I suspect he’s not nearly as prepared as you are. Not unusual at all when actors have a good long rehearsal time like we have. I just don’t want it to throw you. I did a reading of another play once with Alec and about 10 minutes in I thought, ‘Oh, I guess he’s just going to read it.’”
And here’s an exchange between Shia, Alec and Daniel:
Alec – That was supposed to read: We start Monday. But I’m so fucking tired.
Shia – I’m a hustler. I don’t get tired. I’m 26, chief.
Alec – Listen, boy. I’m not your fuckin’ chief. You got that? Ha. Hahahahaha. Let’s go.
Shia – Yes, sir.
Daniel – I think he’s nervous.
Fuck that Orphans shit. They should turn these e-mails into a Broadway play, because this is where the real theatrical drama is at. They can call it “I’m Not Your Fuckin’ Chief.” And “I’m a hustler, I don’t get tired” sounds like a lyric from the rap song that Justin Bieber will eventually release.
Even though this is the most entertaining thing that Shia has ever been a part of, he should still squash his beef with Alec Baldwin the way all grown men squash beefs (Side note: Not that it has to do with anything, but “Beef Squasher” is John Travolta’s Scientology bath house nickname): with a game of Words with Friends. Take it to the WWF board, chief!
And here’s LaDouche leaving a gym in NYC the other day.