1. Whenever I’m struggling to get through anything, I’m going to think of the lady making a “fuck my life” in that picture. If she can get through Hilaria Baldwin practically Sleeping Yogi-ing a queef into her face, I can get through almost anything.
2. I bet that’s the pose Hilaria was in when she and Alec Baldwin conceived their third kid. Hilaria did that pose while Alec jacked off above her with one hand and punched a paparazzo he paid with the other. It’s the only way he can get off.
The Queen of the Downward Look At Me Pose announced on Instagram today that a tiny yogi fetus is doing the child’s pose in her womb. 32-year-old Hilaria said that in a few months, 57-year-old Alec will once again get to cradle a little bundle of adorable while saying, “Aww, you little, rude, thoughtless pig, you.”
Ireland, Carmen, Rafael, Alec, and I are excited to share with you that we are going to have another addition to our family. A little boy coming this fall #366daysoflivingclearly #HilariaLCM
Ireland is, of course, Alec’s 20-year-old daughter with Kim Basinger. Rafael is Alec and Hilaria’s 8-month-old son and Carmen is their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. I know, three babies in three years. Either she’s really fertile from busting out yoga poses in all sorts of places for Instagram likes. Or he’s really fertile from choking out paps. Or both!
And this winter, I better see an Instagram picture of Hilaria standing on her head while holding one kid with her right hand and another kid with her left hand as her newborn son naps on top of her flexed foot. If I don’t see that, I will really question her skills. Here’s Hilarious and Alec at the NYC premiere of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot last week.
The New Yorker recently published a long-ass story on TMZ and Harvey Levin, and most of it is about how the TMZ sausage is made. Like how they get videos of famous types fucking up or how they’re the first to know every time a Kardashian takes a dump (that would be thanks to the direct line Kris Jenner had installed last year). Obviously, there are going to be some famous types that like TMZ and Harvey Levin about as much as their real age or first nose, and it’s not exactly surprising that one of those people is Alec Baldwin.
In case you’ve forgotten (as if you’ve forgotten) why Alec hates TMZ so much, back in 2007, TMZ released a voice mail message left by Alec for his then 12-year-old daughter Irleand where he hissed like a pissed-off snake and called her “a rude thoughtless little pig.” Apparently Alec was so mad that TMZ leaked his daddy-daughter moment to the world, that he channeled his rage into some seriously fucked up fantasies about Harvey.
“There was a time when my greatest wish was to stab Harvey Levin with a rusty implement and watch his entrails go running down my forearm, in some Macbethian stance. I wanted him to die in my arms, while looking into my eyes, and I wanted to say to him, ‘Oh, Harvey, you thoughtless little pig.’ He is a festering boil on the anus of American media.”
I’m sure that last part was copied verbatim off the Valentine Alec sends Harvey every year. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the festering boil on the anus of American media…oh look, and there’s a picture of a little boil holing a little sippy cup on it! How sweet.”
But back to Alec Baldwin’s dream date with Harvey Levin. I’m actually a little surprised Alec would stab him. I always pictured him as more of a ‘choke you til the first row of hair plugs pop out of Alec’s forehead’ kind of guy. And I hate to burst Alec’s rage boner, but it wouldn’t end with Alec calling Harvey a thoughtless little pig. So naive of him. Oh Alec, everyone knows Harvey gets the last word.
I’m going to need a GIF of Killlary (Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton) chucking that cigarette and making that face. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s beloved cranky guy Larry David answered the cries from Twitter Nation and beyond beseeching him to play presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on SNL. There’s a striking resemblance! It just fits! It fits perfectly.
Larry did everything but drop a mic the end. Even perennial SNL drop-in Alec Baldwin couldn’t upstage his longest-arms-in-existence ass. Mission accomplished, sir.
Oh, and fun fact! David was a writer for SNL in the 80s and only got one sketch on the air. Look how far he’s come since then! Don’t give up your dreams, kids. Or don’t go write for SNL cuz’ I heard it tends to be a soul-crushing gig. Ask Janeane Garofalo.
Watch Larry David as Bernie Sanders in the vid below.
Note to fashion people in New York: You better make sure that you came out of a famous person’s vagina, or the vagina of a famous person’s wife, because that’s what it takes to get a front row seat at a fashion show these days. Anna Wintour is just thrilled.
Alec and Hilarious Baldwin’s son Rafael Baldwin was born just 3 months ago, but he already has his own tag on Getty, because he was front row at the Carmen Marc Valco show on Tuesday. Judging by that picture, Rafael is either already a true fashion critic and is pushing out his review of the show into his diaper or he’s thinking to himself, “The hell is this? This doesn’t look like my crib at all.” Because he doesn’t look amused at all. Sorry Rafael, but photo-ops don’t happen on their own. Such is the life of the baby of two thirst buckets. But Rafael still wasn’t the biggest baby at New York Fashion Week. That title will forever belong to Kanye West. Speaking of….
It’s a good thing Kim Kartrashian isn’t due to birth out her next accessory for a few months. Because if she was due now, she would’ve definitely topped Alec and Hilarious by birthing out her baby on the catwalk.
Pics: Getty, Splash
Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!
As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!
And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec Baldwin, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson.
Pop Smash a bottle of sparkling wine and scream an expletive-filled message of congratulations, because anti-anger management’s unofficial mascot Alec Baldwin is a daddy again! Earlier today, Alec’s beyond-thirsty wife Hilaria Baldwin confirmed that she had successfully doubled-down on her 18-year investment by posting a picture of the baby she popped out of her body (well, she posted his hand at least) to Instagram with the caption: “We are happy to announce the birth of Rafael Thomas Baldwin.”
Then, once she realized that was far too subtle an announcement, she rented out a digital billboard in Times Square and played a video of her doing a series of upside-down yoga poses in the maternity ward while she writes the name BALDWIN on the birth certificate. I’m joking – Hilaria Baldwin would never be so tacky.
Of course, we don’t really know how Alec feels about Baby Rafael, whose name is giving me a major craving for some coconut almond Christmastime chocolates, on account of him quitting Twitter. But if I had to guess, I’d say that when he held his son for the first time, he was so overcome with emotion, he leaned in and whispered “What a not-rude opposite-of-thoughtless little pig you are.” I’m sure he would have said something nicer, but the language center in Alec Baldwin’s brain has been conditioned to speak solely in insults.