There’s plenty of things to dislike about Alec Baldwin. Often times his teeth aren’t able to snap shut quickly enough before ridiculous statements escape his mouth. He’s highly irritable. He’s married to a woman who does yoga on planes. And we’ll always have #RudeThoughtlessLittlePig.
He has managed to balance the scales, however, with the pluperfect Donald Trump impression he unveiled on the Saturday Night Live premiere. Not since Larry David did Bernie Sanders has it worked so well! His characterization, teamed with whomever wrote the opening number, truly captured our potential future Asshole-In-Chief. The cold open satirized last week’s first presidential debate, and Kate McKinnon is still playing Hillary Clinton.
The Hollywood Reporter sez that the idea to have Alec play Donald was Tina Fey’s and longtime SNL czar Lorne Michaels.
The choice to go with Baldwin over a current cast member was the idea of former star and head writer Tina Fey, “SNL” creator Lorne Michaels told The Hollywood Reporter.
“I just thought he’d be brilliant doing it and I thought he and Kate [McKinnon] would be a match,” Michaels said.
Watch Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump below.
In my mind, that’s Hilaria Baldwin’s birthin’ pose and as she does it, Alec Baldwin stands on the other side of the delivery room waiting to catch their latest bundle of baby. Also in my mind, those two pooches are bracing themselves for a possible double yoga fart-queef attack.
58-year-old Alec Baldwin became somebody’s father for the fourth time yesterday. People says that in NYC last night, Alec’s second wife, 32-year-old Hilaria Baldwin, gave birth to a baby boy who I’m sure is already doing the one-handed tree pose in a crib.
1. Whenever I’m struggling to get through anything, I’m going to think of the lady making a “fuck my life” in that picture. If she can get through Hilaria Baldwin practically Sleeping Yogi-ing a queef into her face, I can get through almost anything.
2. I bet that’s the pose Hilaria was in when she and Alec Baldwin conceived their third kid. Hilaria did that pose while Alec jacked off above her with one hand and punched a paparazzo he paid with the other. It’s the only way he can get off.
The Queen of the Downward Look At Me Pose announced on Instagram today that a tiny yogi fetus is doing the child’s pose in her womb. 32-year-old Hilaria said that in a few months, 57-year-old Alec will once again get to cradle a little bundle of adorable while saying, “Aww, you little, rude, thoughtless pig, you.”
Ireland, Carmen, Rafael, Alec, and I are excited to share with you that we are going to have another addition to our family. A little boy coming this fall #366daysoflivingclearly #HilariaLCM
Ireland is, of course, Alec’s 20-year-old daughter with Kim Basinger. Rafael is Alec and Hilaria’s 8-month-old son and Carmen is their 2 1/2-year-old daughter. I know, three babies in three years. Either she’s really fertile from busting out yoga poses in all sorts of places for Instagram likes. Or he’s really fertile from choking out paps. Or both!
And this winter, I better see an Instagram picture of Hilaria standing on her head while holding one kid with her right hand and another kid with her left hand as her newborn son naps on top of her flexed foot. If I don’t see that, I will really question her skills. Here’s Hilarious and Alec at the NYC premiere of Whiskey Tango Foxtrot last week.
The New Yorker recently published a long-ass story on TMZ and Harvey Levin, and most of it is about how the TMZ sausage is made. Like how they get videos of famous types fucking up or how they’re the first to know every time a Kardashian takes a dump (that would be thanks to the direct line Kris Jenner had installed last year). Obviously, there are going to be some famous types that like TMZ and Harvey Levin about as much as their real age or first nose, and it’s not exactly surprising that one of those people is Alec Baldwin.
In case you’ve forgotten (as if you’ve forgotten) why Alec hates TMZ so much, back in 2007, TMZ released a voice mail message left by Alec for his then 12-year-old daughter Irleand where he hissed like a pissed-off snake and called her “a rude thoughtless little pig.” Apparently Alec was so mad that TMZ leaked his daddy-daughter moment to the world, that he channeled his rage into some seriously fucked up fantasies about Harvey.
“There was a time when my greatest wish was to stab Harvey Levin with a rusty implement and watch his entrails go running down my forearm, in some Macbethian stance. I wanted him to die in my arms, while looking into my eyes, and I wanted to say to him, ‘Oh, Harvey, you thoughtless little pig.’ He is a festering boil on the anus of American media.”
I’m sure that last part was copied verbatim off the Valentine Alec sends Harvey every year. “Happy Valentine’s Day to the festering boil on the anus of American media…oh look, and there’s a picture of a little boil holing a little sippy cup on it! How sweet.”
But back to Alec Baldwin’s dream date with Harvey Levin. I’m actually a little surprised Alec would stab him. I always pictured him as more of a ‘choke you til the first row of hair plugs pop out of Alec’s forehead’ kind of guy. And I hate to burst Alec’s rage boner, but it wouldn’t end with Alec calling Harvey a thoughtless little pig. So naive of him. Oh Alec, everyone knows Harvey gets the last word.
I’m going to need a GIF of Killlary (Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton) chucking that cigarette and making that face. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s beloved cranky guy Larry David answered the cries from Twitter Nation and beyond beseeching him to play presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on SNL. There’s a striking resemblance! It just fits! It fits perfectly.
Larry did everything but drop a mic the end. Even perennial SNL drop-in Alec Baldwin couldn’t upstage his longest-arms-in-existence ass. Mission accomplished, sir.
Oh, and fun fact! David was a writer for SNL in the 80s and only got one sketch on the air. Look how far he’s come since then! Don’t give up your dreams, kids. Or don’t go write for SNL cuz’ I heard it tends to be a soul-crushing gig. Ask Janeane Garofalo.
Watch Larry David as Bernie Sanders in the vid below.
Note to fashion people in New York: You better make sure that you came out of a famous person’s vagina, or the vagina of a famous person’s wife, because that’s what it takes to get a front row seat at a fashion show these days. Anna Wintour is just thrilled.
Alec and Hilarious Baldwin’s son Rafael Baldwin was born just 3 months ago, but he already has his own tag on Getty, because he was front row at the Carmen Marc Valco show on Tuesday. Judging by that picture, Rafael is either already a true fashion critic and is pushing out his review of the show into his diaper or he’s thinking to himself, “The hell is this? This doesn’t look like my crib at all.” Because he doesn’t look amused at all. Sorry Rafael, but photo-ops don’t happen on their own. Such is the life of the baby of two thirst buckets. But Rafael still wasn’t the biggest baby at New York Fashion Week. That title will forever belong to Kanye West. Speaking of….
It’s a good thing Kim Kartrashian isn’t due to birth out her next accessory for a few months. Because if she was due now, she would’ve definitely topped Alec and Hilarious by birthing out her baby on the catwalk.
Pics: Getty, Splash