My thoughts and prayers are with whoever does Al Roker’s laundry. Because they’re going to have a bitch of a time trying to scrub out the wet butt cough he sharted into his chonies after being hit with the double platinum glamour of Sharon Stone and Mariah Carey!
Earlier today, Page Six said that the former sweetheart of Fox News, Megyn Kelly, is crashing into Today, and either the show’s third or fourth hour will be canceled to make room for her. The third hour is hosted by Tamron Hall and Al Roker, and the fourth hour is hosted by America’s morning-drinking aunties Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. That rumor was just another turd on the pile of shit news that hit me today.
First, I learned that the emporium of stunning teen fashions Wet Seal has been put down and has closed all of its stores. Second, I learned that The CW has ordered a pilot of the shit reboot of Dynasty. And then I learned that my daily dose of vitamin M (for MESS) may be taken away from me. WHYYYYY!!??!
Every year, the wrecks of Today do one big group costume and they usually go all out. Last year, they brought the night terrors by dressing up as The Peanuts and the scars I got on my brain from being exposed to that terrifying shit still haven’t healed. Well, the producers must have used most of the show’s budget to pay preppy butt plug Billy Bush to go away, because this year’s costumes looked like they came from a community theater costume shop sale and a Salvation Army donation bin. You know they told Kathie Lee Gifford that a bottle of chardonnay was hiding at the bottom of that bin and she hopped in to get it.
The 90s have been barfing all over 2016 for a while now (see: every trick wearing a choker, Vanilla Ice being somewhat relevant again, the return of Kimmy Gibbler, etc…), but on Today this morning, the 90s came back in a messy way.
The Today show is a little less smug this morning, because annoying ventriloquist’s dummy Billy Bush isn’t on and won’t be on indefinitely. Because of that recording from 2005 of Billy Bush laughing as Donald Trump bragged about grabbing pussy without permission, NBC announced yesterday that they have suspended him from Today as they investigate. Please, that’s just PR talk for: “We’ve sent Billy Bush on a paid vacation until that tape of Trump saying the N-word comes out and that pussy grabbing disaster is nothing but a distant memory.”
Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”
St. Angie Jolie Has No Comment About Being Called A “Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat” In Hacked Sony Emails
By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.
When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.
Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:
On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.
On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.
On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”
On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.
Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.