Category: Afternoon Crumbs

Afternoon Crumbs

April 9, 2018 / Posted by:

The fighting reinas of Spain, Queen Letty and Queen Sofia, tried to do a little damage control after their Easter Sunday awkwardness by doing a completely natural oh-so-happy mother and daughter-in-law photo-op today. I should’ve italicized and bolded “tried” in that last sentence. Because if you listen closely, you can hear the voice inside Queen Letty’s head scream, “Letty, dig deep to keep from slapping down that horrid monster-in-law,” as the voice inside Queen Sofia’s head screams, “Bitch, I’d like to see you try.”   – Lainey Gossip 

Oh, screw Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle. Yes, they are doing a do-gooder good thing by asking their guests to donate to charity instead of getting them a wedding gift. But not one of the charities is The Mend Michael’s Broken Heart Foundation. How selfish can they be?! – Celebitchy

Great, now because of all the attention that Kim Zolciak has been getting lately, she’ll probably be back full-time on Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. I’m going to need to gently break the disturbing news to my lips, because they cry every time Kim’s plastic slug lips hit the screen – Reality Tea 

This is sweet and all, but show me more of that daddy – Towleroad

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Afternoon Crumbs

March 30, 2018 / Posted by:

After Orlando Bloom posted a picture of his nipples on Instagram, his on-and-off-and-on-again piece Katy Perry left this comment: “Oh hey! I was actually looking for a washboard to do me laundry on.” Whenever I see the words “Orlando Bloom” and “board” in the same story, my brain immediately takes me back to those beautiful pictures of him paddleboarding peen-out. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to Photoshop a tiny and naked paddleboarding Orlando Bloom onto his abs in that picture – Just Jared

Something tells me that the teen who broke her retainer from thirsting over Michael B. Jordan is going to have to make another dentist appointment after breaking her replacement retainer from thirsting over him in sweats – Lainey Gossip

Um, Kandi Burruss is cheap. She should’ve gotten Mama Joyce a chauffeured Bentley for being the sole reason for why she’s asked back onto Real Housewives of Atlanta every season – Reality Tea

Brandi Glanville claims that her top lip is paralyzed because of some laser hair removal gone wrong. If by “laser hair removal gone wrong,” she means “too much fucking Botox,” then yeah, that makes sense  – Celebitchy

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Afternoon Crumbs

March 26, 2018 / Posted by:

Netflix renewed Queer Eye for a second season, so prepare your social media feeds to once again be filled with people saying that they cried out all the water in their systems while watching the new Fab 5 heal American with their makeovers. And okay, okay, I may have cried while watching too, but only when Jonathan Van Ness flipped his ethereal mane of enchanting perfection – Towleroad

What’s really going on here is that Brie Larson is hypnotized by Jude Law’s impeccable hair transplant game – Lainey Gossip

Kylie Jenner doesn’t have her eyes closed for the sake of ~mood~. Trick physically can’t open her eyes with forty five pounds of paint and polyester tarantula legs on them – Drunken Stepfather

One “royal expert” thinks that Meghan Markle isn’t going to try to outshine Duchess Kate in the wedding dress department. Hmmm, I’m not so sure about that, because I have a feeling that a long white dress with the words “Cry More You Loser Whores, I’m Marrying Your Man,” written in rhinestones on it is going to get a lot of attention – Celebitchy

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Afternoon Crumbs

March 23, 2018 / Posted by:

The invitations for the worst day in history (aka the day Prince Hot Ginge marries another) have gone out, and on them it states that the dress code is dress uniform, morning coat or lounge suit. So all of you thirsty pepaw fuckers who have wet dreams about seeing Prince Philip’s peen outline in gray sweatpants will probably get your wish on May 19, because he’s definitely at the age of not giving a fuck and is going to show up in a sweats lounge suit – Lainey Gossip

I want The Notorious R.B.G. to put out a rap song called My Best Scrunchies Come From ZurichCelebitchy

Okay, but I think all of the Real Housewrecks of Atlanta need to go to rehab to deal with their #hashtagaddiction – Reality Tea

If you’re in Spring, TX and want to see Love, Simon, but are either cheap as hell or broke, Matt Boner’s got you covered – Towleroad

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Afternoon Crumbs

March 16, 2018 / Posted by:

The final trailer for Avengers: Infinity War, starring approximately 9 trillion Marvel superheroes, is out, and it’s about some big buff roid queen who wants to get a hold of some stones so he can destroy half of humanity. Err, no thanks. I’ll wait for the gay porn parody where a big buff roid queen gets a hold of some stones, makes an extra powerful string of anal beads out of ’em and uses that to destroy the assholes of the Assvengers. I’m a ceniphile like that – Lainey Gossip

Meghan Markle is apparently paying for all of her own clothes until she gets married, that includes the $75,000 gown she wore in her engagement pictures. Either someone is farting lies into our eyes, or I expect for eBay user NotMeghanMarkleISwear to sell “a $75,000 gown that’s been touched by Prince Harry’s hands.” RIP to my credit cards if that happens – Celebitchy

It was so gracious of Phoebe Price to pose with her fans – Reality Tea

My incompetent DVR failed to record last night’s finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars 3, and I think it was saving me from having to scream my hair off over (SPOILER ALERT) Shangela not ending up in the final 2. Thank you, DVR (for once) – Towleroad

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Afternoon Crumbs

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Here we go with “Poor Miserable Jen: The Sequel….” Star magazine claims that 46-year-old Justin Theroux has already moved on (and may have moved on before he even split from Jennifer Aniston) to 25-year-old artist/photographer/model/sedated Victorian apparition Petra Collins. In nearly every picture I’ve seen of Petra Collins, she looks like she’s sleeping with her eyes open, and that open-eyed comatose face will come in handy for her. Because Justin won’t think anything when she actually falls asleep with her eyes open as he burps out shit about art – Celebitchy

Benedict Cumberbatch looks more like The Grinch than that tragic CGI Grinch does – Lainey Gossip

Casting directors for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are looking for “strong, self-confident” women to be on the show. If they’re looking for that, they need to fire all of those boring messes and replace them with Joan Collins, Linda Evans, Diahann Carroll, Stephanie Beacham and Kate O’Mara, and finally give us the proper Dynasty revival we all deserve – Reality Tea

Thanks to Bermuda banning marriage equality, they aren’t going to see a dime of Ellen DeGeneres’ money – Towleroad

Posh Beckham looks like a lady Darth Vader if lady Darth Vader lived on the prairie – Drunken Stepfather

“Hello, welcome to the Circus Gangster Cafe, I am Margot and I’ll be your sever this evening.” – Popoholic

Kristen Wiig is officially playing Cheetah in the Wonder Woman sequel – Pajiba

It’s a damn shame that Shape Magazine scrubbed the raver lot lizard elegance off of Bella Thorne – Hollywood Tuna

Judith Regan claims that O.J. Simpson was ready to admit the obvious – IndieWire 

NOT CLAIRE’S! It may soon be the end of an era, and you’ll have to find a new place in the mall to catch an ear lobe infection after getting them pierced – Jezebel

Pic: Wenn.com

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