The C.I.A. (computer investigation alliance), that secret cabal of internet sleuths who cracked the case of the Melania Trump body double WIDE OPEN, have made an exciting new discovery! Have you ever noticed that you’ve never seen Sam Smith and Adele together in the same room? Didn’t think so. Are you sitting down? A Twitter user has proof that Adele and Sam are actually the person!
Forbes has released yet another list that will inevitably make you want to send a sympathy card to your bank account. This time Forbes has compiled a list of the world’s highest-paid women in music for 2017. Beyonce is already the kind of wealthy that has me scratching my head and wondering if she uses regular people toilet paper, or if one of her minions cuts up white cashmere sweaters into little squares for her each morning. She’s also insanely successful. And so, unsurprisingly, she pulled in some serious Beyonce-levels of money this year.
Just like she does after every album, Adele has laid pretty low ever since finishing up what could be her last tour EVER, but early this morning, she got her fans crying like they just listened to an Adele song by making an appearance on Twitter and Instagram. Adele crawled out from her mountain of money and Grammys to wish everyone a happy Adeleoween and to wish someone she called “gorgeous” a happy birthday (most likely her son is “gorgeous,” but I bet Taylor Swift thinks that Adele is wishing her current piece an early birthday). Adele also dressed up, and my first guess was that she was a question mark dipped in glitter, because I had no idea what the fuck she’s supposed to be? And many don’t.
First off, let me introduce myself! My name is Mieka and I’m likely old enough to be your mother but am actually your fun auntie who smokes you out in her car in the driveway after Thanksgiving dinner. I’m from Berkeley, California but I do not fux wit white people with dreads. I currently live in Switzerland, so good luck trying to find and murder me. Last night I had an anxiety dream where I met The Rock in a bar and tried to talk him into sending me pictures of his new dog (who was named Gipfel which is Swiss German for croissant so actually a really cute name) for a Dlisted post and he became sullen and irritated with me. In my mind, I’m the kind of monster who wipes the smile off The Rock’s face. I am genuinely humbled and grateful to be part of the Dlisted family so seriously, please do not try to murder me.
The Mirror is reporting that Daniel Craig has agreed to don The Tux once again and reprise his role as James Bond for the fifth time. Back in 2015 Craig was possessed by a 14 year old emo girl when he dramatically declared “I’d rather break this glass and slash my wrists” when asked if he’s ever play Bond again. He then slammed his bedroom door, cranked up the Fall Out Boy and angrily journaled about how nobody respects him as real AC-TOR. But then mom (producer Barbara Broccoli) gently knocked on the door and told him she made his favorite meatloaf and if he’d come down to dinner she’d let him sit next to Aunt Adele (who might also return to do the theme song) and give him millions of more dollars. Apparently that may have been incentive enough so Craig put on his big boy pants (you know the ones, they are just a little too tight in the crotch) and came down to take his seat at the table, as expected.
On Thursday, Adele made her Pumpkin Spice demographic weep and wail even more than usual when she mentioned that she might not tour ever again. Well, if you’re near an Adele fan right now, I hope you got duck shoes on. Because she has canceled the last two dates of her possibly final tour at London’s Wembley Arena. I happen to know an entire family that’s over in London. Their jet-set to-do list included using those tickets they bought to see one of Adele’s final four shows at Wembley. Which became two shows. Which already happened. Their tickets might have been for one of the cancelled nights. I might know a family that’s going to sue Adele.
When I went to see Adele, I was drunk on overpriced arena wine, but I still remember her saying that she probably wasn’t going to tour again. It’s actually amazing that I was able to hear Adele say that through the sound of thousands of women crying their tear ducts out as their ovaries combusted from hearing her sing live. But just in case nobody heard Adele announce that there’s a chance she may never go on tour again, she told her fans in an Instagram post that her third concert tour could be her last.