Tom Brady was probably clapping with two hands all giddy-like this morning, because Gisele Bundchen served him a very special victory cheat meal of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free wheatgrass pancakes lightly sweetened with a hummingbird whisper for being a very good boy and winning his sixth Super Bowl. But while Tommy B and the other Patriots are happy about the game, many aren’t, because it was apparently as dull and lifeless as Tom Brady’s dead eyes. And a boring Super Bowl game got a just-as-boring halftime show that not even a pair of sweaty man nipples could save. You know you’ve redefined boring when even my hard-up-for-man-nipples slut ass doesn’t get even the slightest tingle in the loins over the sight of man nipples.
I’m about as interested in football as I am Maroon 5, but as an American, it’s pretty much impossible to avoid either of them entirely right now as fervor for the National Sporting Event reaches a fever pitch. According to Uproxx, custom dictates that whichever musical act has been chosen to entertain the masses during the halftime show, attends a press conference hosted by the NFL in the days leading up to the big game. But things are a bit more complicated this year, in case you haven’t noticed.
This year, 37th choice Maroon 5 (or Travis Scott and Big Boi) won’t have to sit around a big table nervously wringing their hands as Amy Schumer in a newsboy cap peppers them with questions about why they’ve chosen to participate in the Super Bowl instead of supporting Colin Kaepernick by boycotting the NFL. The NFL cancelled the press conference at the last minute. Instead, they threw some money at a charity and called it a wrap.
The setting for the looonnngggeessttttt, most-drawn out, way-too-conscious uncoupling in failed celebrity marriage history (after Brangelina, of course), Ben Affleck and ex-wife Jennifer Garner’s Pacific Palisades compound has been sold according to People. The most interesting aspect of this long-overdue sale? The buyer! TMZ says Maroon 5 frontman and Blake Shelton love interest Adam Levine bought it from them.
Amy Schumer has joined Rihanna‘s side for the fight that is “HELL NO Super Bowl LII”, sparking a celebrity boycotting of the sporting event. A few days ago RiRi reportedly turned down the chance to play at the Halftime show, citing her support of Colin Kaepernick as the reason. The NFL read her loud and clear, and ended up going with one of the most lukewarm bowls of uncontroversial musical oatmeal Maroon 5. Amy is not here for Maroon 5 or anyone else taking part in the fuckery that is the Super Bowl, so she’s calling on Adam Levine and others to join her in a boycott. Continue reading
Last week we learned that the 2019 Super Bowl Pepsi halftime show might be doubling as the take-a-quick-nap break, because it was reported that the headliner will be Maroon 5. Someone helping to arrange the halftime show must have realized that unless they want to lose a whole lot of viewers to the Puppy Bowl’s kitty halftime show, they better add some razzle dazzle. According to TMZ, Cardi B is currently in negotiations to join Adam Levine and the rest of the Maroons on stage. The only problem is, negotiations are getting a little difficult because Cardi B wants to be the star of her own set.
During this year’s Super Bowl halftime show when Justin Timberlake offended The Purple One by putting his pucker-inducing image on fucking laundry, I figured that Pepsi was torturing us so that we’d scream, “Enough! Enough! Okay, okay, bring back that creepy happy cult from the 70s. We give up!” I guess they want us to scream louder, because the halftime performers of 2019’s Super Bowl will be Heavy Flow Stain Cinco aka Maroon 5. “Honey, I think someone spilled the ranch, feta, and French onion dip onto the floor” will be heard at Super Bowl parties everywhere after middle-aged moms shoot out a coochie geyser from watching Adam Levine make orgasm faces.