Blair Waldorf And Seth Cohen Are Parents Now

While Ryan Atwood from The O.C. is getting ready to become a daddy for the first time, Seth Cohen became a daddy for the first time. Wasn’t it Alexander Graham Bell who once said, “When one O.C. baby is born, another O.C. baby is conceived.”

When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody got married, they did it on the shush. When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody made a baby, they also kept it quiet. So of course, after she gave birth, they didn’t do cartwheels down the ho stroll in front of the paps while screaming about how they’re parents now. They also kept it quiet. Leighton birthed out a daughter on August 4th in Whittier, CA (SHOUT OUT TO WHITTIER!). Leighton and Adam probably chose Whittier, because they figured that nobody there would give a shit and the highly important news wouldn’t get out. The news didn’t get out until today.

Leighton and Adam should really consult for the FBI and the CIA, because I’m sure the paps are following them at all times and yet they still managed to marry in secret, make a baby in secret and birth out a baby in secret. I don’t know how they did it!

As for what they named their daughter, TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate and they named her:

Arlo Day Brody 

Well, it could’ve been worse. At least that kid’s name isn’t Jagger Snow. But you know, I actually kind of like the name Arlo Day. It sounds like the name of a hippie whose real name is something normal like “Brandon Smith,” but while high on LSD at Burning Man one day, he looked up at the sun and the sun opened its sun mouth and told him that his spiritual name is “Arlo Day.” What I’m trying to say is that Leighton and Adam were probably stoned into another dimension when they came up with that name. Either that or they’re Arlo Guthrie fans. But then again, you can’t be an Arlo Gurthrie fan without being a stoner. The two go hand-in-hand.

Pic: Wenn.com

Blair Waldorf And Seth Cohen Are Having A Baby

I’m sure as soon as she heard the news, Blake Lively started packing up a hand-woven basket full of James Reynolds’ old heirloom Chantilly lace fainting bonnets and sent it over to her former Gossip Girl co-star with a note that said “Ah do declare! It appears you’ve come down with a case of the tummy vapors!”

According to UsWeekly, Leighton Meester (aka Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl) is knocked up, and has been for a while. And that’s all they’ve got! No picture of Leighton’s hands making the shape of a heart over her stomach, no mention of the moon and whether or not they’re over it. Nothing! Neither Leighton nor Adam Brody (aka Seth Cohen from The O.C.) have said anything about the fetus growing inside her and I doubt they ever will. When Leighton and Adam got married a little over a year ago, they kept that shit a secret until someone spilled the beans, so that might happen with their baby too. It’s like they always say: first comes rarely-papped love, then comes a secret marriage, then comes…actually, I’m not sure what comes next. I’m only really familiar with desperate-for-attention types who run to the press as soon as the first molecule of piss hits the stick.

All I can hope is that if Leighton and Adam have a girl, they pay tribute to the most underrated character from Happy Gilmore by naming her Meester Meester.

Remember what I said before about her being pregnant for a while? If you want to see what Leighton looks like when she’s trying to hide her recently knocked-up parts with layers of clothing, here she is at a concert back in March doing what appears to be just that:

Pics: Splash

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Matt Boner In A Tux At The Tonys

If you have to suffer through the nastiest and grossest day of the week MONDAY, you might as well do it while staring pictures of the come-to-life Superman action figure Matt Bomer making b-holes howl and pussies slobber while working a tux at the Tonys last night. The real-life Steven Wakefield graduated from Carnegie Mellon and he was at the Tonys to present Carnegie Mellon with something and I didn’t really pay attention, because I was too busy asking myself, “For why is Matt Boner wearing so many clothes? Couldn’t he have paid tribute to Hair instead?!”

Either Matt Boner’s makeup artist forgot to powder his beauty or in NYC it’s more humid than Tyler Perry’s bussy when he flips through the Spirit of Black Men calendar on his office wall. Because Matt Boner is looked lubed-up in the face. I bet the most overheard line at the Tonys last night was, “Matt, you’re looking a little greasy, do you want me to lick that up for you?”

Here’s more of Matt Boner in a tux and pictures of other hos at the Tonys including Fran Drescher giving you Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie’s mom, Maggie Gyllenhaal looking like a disemboweled down comforter and Thalia wearing a shitting prom dress from the late 80s.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

That Was Fast: Blair Waldorf And Seth Cohen Got Themselves Secret-Married

Only three months after announcing their engagement, Us Weekly is reporting that Leighton Meester from Gossip Girl and Adam Brody from The OC (look, until you guys do something else, I’m going to have to keep introducing you by your CW shows) have gone ahead and made shit legal with a “super secret wedding” (Us Weekly’s words and not mine, because I’m not a sentient Girl Talk board game). No other details have been released, so for now we’ll just have to picture Leighton and Adam tip-toeing around with their fingers to their lips going “Sshhhh! It’s not just a secret, it’s a super secret!” before receiving a cease-and-desist letter from Shh…It’s A Wig with a note saying: “STEP OFF TRICK! Shushing people is OUR thing.”

So congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Meester-Brody, a couple that sounds like a Spanish lady formally addressing someone named Brody. May you be blessed with children you name Excuseme and Pardonme (or at least do the internet a solid and rename your dogs).

(Pic: Flame Flynet)

Blair Waldorf And Seth Cohen Are Getting Married

Adam Brody, that dude I always mistake for that hipster Monchichi on Gossip Girl, and Leighton Meester, that girl I always mistake for the one who isn’t Mischa Barton from The OC, are getting married. I don’t know whether CW executives are furiously fapping to this news or furiously working on an OC/Gossip Girl crossover movie where Seth Cohen marries Blair Waldorf.

People confirms that Adam and Leighton, who have been doing it full-time for less than a year, are engaged. People doesn’t have any more details other than that. I can’t wait for the wedding when Chuck Bass and Summer Roberts try to stop the marriage from happening while Mischa Barton sneaks in and steals the table centerpieces to sell on eBay for some quick cash.

And I guess this is sort of big news for whores who were tweens in 2007.

To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1990s like myself, this is as if Brenda Walsh from 90210 married Billy from Melrose Place in real life. To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1980s, this is as if Alexis Carrington married JR Ewing in real life. To put things into perspective for whores who were tweens in the 1590s, this is as if the actor who played Juliet in Romeo & Juliet married the actor who played Prince Edward in Richard III. (I don’t know what I’m talking about.)