The First Promo For ABC’s TV Remake Of “Dirty Dancing” Is Here 

When you drag your living carcass out of bed tomorrow morning, before you do anything, go to the mirror and say, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” I’d bet my weekly weed budget that your half-asleep, out-of-it ass would say that line with more enthusiasm and charisma than TV Johnny Castle does in the first trailer for the Dirty Dancing remake we really don’t need. If Baby being put in a corner is dependent on Johnny’s delivery of that line, then Baby better forward all her mail to “A Corner” because she’s going to stay there permanently.

A couple of weeks after ABC dribbled out dreadful stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, they’ve released a 30-second teaser trailer and survey says: MESS! This looks like a Dirty Dancing tribute done by the cast of a knock-off Glee TV show that airs on Freeform. Abigail Breslin (who is 21 in real life) looks like she’s barely in junior high school here and Colt Prattes (who is 30 in real life) looks much older than her. So when he asks Baby, who looks like a baby, what her name is, I expected Chris Hansen to jazz walk out and tell Johnny Castle to have a seat in the chair over there.

Get ready to dance and fall in love! #DirtyDancing premieres Wednesday, May 24 on ABC. pic.twitter.com/nb4EcPqMbz

— Debra Messing (@DebraMessing) April 24, 2017

And I have a feeling that there’s going to be gale force winds on the night of May 24th. Because the makers of Dirty Dancing 2, the Dirty Dancing reality show and the Dirty Dancing TV series are all going to breathe out a giant sigh of relief since they’ll no longer be the ones responsible for the worst butchering of Dirty Dancing in history.

Pic: ABC

Open Post: Hosted By Scenes From The “Dirty Dancing” Remake That Nobody Wanted

No, that isn’t a picture of your uncoordinated cousin recreating the Dirty Dancing lift for her engagement announcement on Facebook. That’s a picture from a professional production of Dirty Dancing, and it sums it all up, pretty much.

If you buried the gross, hurtful memory of ABC’s remake of Dirty Dancing and forgot about it, then I apologize for bringing it back up with these pictures that came out yesterday. I bet that right after ABC released stills from their Dirty Dancing remake, every TV critic started pre-writing their review and they’re first line is: I DIDN’T have the time of my life.

ABC’s Dirty Dancing stars Abigail Breslin (as Baby), dancer/Instagram THOT Colt Prattes (as Johnny Castle), Debra Messing (as Baby’s mom), Bruce Greenwood (as Baby’s daddy), Sarah Hyland (as Baby’s sister) and Nicole Scherzinger (as Penny). It’ll splatter onto TV screens on May 24. I know the phrase “this is a Dollar Tree version of” is overused (and mostly by me), but this looks worse than a Dollar Tree version of Dirty Dancing. It’s like the head bitches at ABC thought, “I know what our viewers want! An exact remake of Dirty Dancing but cheaper-looking and shitty!”

These stills looking like they’re from an unauthorized Dirty Dancing remake called Filthy Moves that’s sold exclusively on subway platforms. I know that Baby isn’t exactly the definition of glamour, but in every picture, Abigail Breslin looks like she just rolled out of bed, where she’s been for the past 3 weeks while sick with a serious case of the flu.

The only thing that can save this blasphemous DD remake is Katey Sagal as the hot cougar who gets revenge on Johnny for choosing Baby over her. See. This DD remake already doesn’t make sense. Who would choose Baby over this pure hotness?

And Johnny Castle looks like he just got back from playing Danny Zuko in a community theater production of Grease. Oh well, at least Patrick Swayze is getting in some cardio from rolling so much.

Pics: ABC

Yes, Hollywood Still Hates Your Childhood: Little Miss Sunshine Is Starring In A TV Remake Of “Dirty Dancing”

One year after Dirty Dancing came out, Hollywood gave us Dirty Dancing the TV series and it flopped, because nobody wanted it.

In 2004, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights was released and even though it had Diego Luna’s thrusting dick in it, it flopped, because nobody wanted it.

In 2006, WE shat up a Dirty Dancing reality show hosted by JLo’s second husband Cris Judd and yes, I watched it, but it still flopped, because nobody wanted it.

Hollywood is still trying it and isn’t done with butchering Dirty Dancing. Deadline says that ABC is putting together a three-hour remake of Dirty Dancing starring Abigail Breslin (from Little Miss Sunshine and Scream Queens) as Baby. The evil, diabolical whores in Hollywood need to be put in the corner for this shit:

The project, from Lionsgate TV, is expected to get a formal green light contingent on one more casting.

ABC’s production will not be live like Fox’s staging of Grease but in the vein of that network’s planned filmed remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Patrick Swayze’s ghost should knock the cellphone out of Derek Hough’s hand right now, because you just know that ABC is going to call him to play Johnny Castle in this blasphemous remake.

Hollywood re-charges their evil powers by taking a messy diarrhea on all of our childhoods, so I get why they’re remaking Dirty Dancing. But Abigail Breslin as Baby makes zero sense. Jennifer Grey’s chopped-off nose skin would make a better Baby. Because of the way she does herself up now, Abigail Breslin looks more like she’s getting ready to play Courtney Love in a low-budget Lifetime biopic and I’d much rather see that than another Dirty Dancing movie.

And in case you haven’t seen this before or blocked it out, here’s the intro of the 1988 Dirty Dancing TV show starring Jan from The Office and David Cassidy’s half-brother.

Pic: Wenn.com

Abigail Breslin Swears She Wasn’t Swiping At Taylor Swift When She Tweeted About An Emotionally Unstable Cat Lady

Former Oscar-nominated child actress and current enemy of 5 Seconds of Summer’s 13-year-old obsessed superfans Abigail Breslin might have taken a subtle swipe at professional popular girl Taylor Swift last night by tweeting a reference to Tay Tay’s song “Blank Space” and changing the line “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” to the following:

Obviously, she could be tweeting about any number of famous emotionally unstable cat ladies, like the crazy cat lady from The Simpsons, or…uh…well, that’s pretty much it. But UsWeekly seems to think she was hissing at the crazy cat lady’s pretty human counterpart Taylor Swift. According to UsWeekly, Abigail might have been throwing shade at Tay Tay after she got chummy with Abigail’s ex and the subject of her recently released breakup song “You Suck” Michael Clifford on Twitter. Taylor had congratulated Michael on 5SOS’s performance at the American Music Awards, then asked if he wanted to be Twitter BFFs.

Now, I’m not a teenager, but I’m assuming this pissed Abigail off, considering most people compared her to a low-budget Taylor Swift when “You Suck” hit their ears. But according to Abigail Breslin, even though she was referencing a Taylor Swift song and describing Tay Tay to a T, she wasn’t hissing at the Butterscotch Prom Queen:

A quick peek over at Abigail’s Instagram shows that she does have several cats (including a new one that moved into her house last Sunday), so she is telling the truth that she’s a cat lady. But until we receive confirmation from her therapist, there’s no way to determine whether or not she’s also emotionally unstable.

Meanwhile, cut to Taylor Swift sitting on her pink ruffle canopy bed with her cats  Gretchen and Karen Meredith and Olivia Benson and hissing “OMG, emotionally unstable cat lady? That’s MY thing! Why is she so obsessed with me? Hey, this gives me an idea for a song…”. And speaking of Tay Tay, here she is doing her daily pap walk while looking like Vanity Smurf’s girlfriend yesterday:

Pics: Wenn.com