I barely made it past season two of Orange is The New Black but at least it’s given me a good working knowledge of the ins and outs of a women’s correctional facility. New arrivals should keep their head down, find a crew and not act whiny, privileged and obnoxious. Sounds like Abby Lee Miller, formerly of Dance Moms and currently of Cell Block 666, did not add “binge watch OITNB” to her pre-prison activities list because she’s totally pulled a Piper. According to Radar, everybody in prison hates her as much as everyone on the outside does.
Today was the day that toe-tapping off-stage monster Abby Lee Miller was expected to check into the big house to serve a one-year prison sentence for bankruptcy fraud. Entertainment Tonight says she turned herself in at 12:05pm, two hours before her 2pm deadline. Now if you want to be scratchy-voiced screeched at for your lazy turn-out, you’re going to have to get in your car and take a trip to cell block D (or wherever they’re housing her money-scamming self).
As All The Dance Moms Cackled While Doing A Pirouette Of Happiness, Abby Lee Miller Was Sentenced To Over One Year In Prison
One of Lifetime’s most terrifying monsters, Abby Lee Miller, plead guilty to bankruptcy fraud charges for trying to hide $775,000 of money she made from her reality shit shows, Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, while going through Chapter 11 bankruptcy proceedings. Abby also pulled a scheme in August 2014 when she made $120,000 in cash in Australia and tried to avoid reporting it by divvying up the money between friends before boarding a flight back to the U.S. Abby was sentenced today in Pittsburgh, PA and it’s amazing that reporters were able to hear the entire punishment that got thrown at Abby. Two of the Dance Moms, Christi Lukasiak and Kelly Hyland (who sued Abby for assault and other shit in 2014), were in court to support the prosecution and so you’d think that their hyena screeches of pure joy would drown out all other sounds.
Two days ago, The Boogeyman’s idol, Abby Lee Miller, melodramatically farted up an Instagram post where she announced that she’s leaving Dance Moms forever, because she refuses to be manipulated and used by the producers anymore. I’m with Abby. Don’t the producers know that Abby Lee Miller is the only one allowed to do the manipulating and using on Dance Moms? Before Abby quit the show, Lifetime ordered more episodes, so producers brought in choreographer Laurieanne Gibson to fill in. Entertainment Tonight says that Laurieanne filmed for three weeks but left when Abby Lee Miller stormed back on set and demanded that her replacement be kicked off. Entertainment Tonight also says that my former arch rival (in my head), Cheryl “Mop Head” Burke, is taking over for Abby for the rest of the season. So yeah, the girls will go from shaking as Abby screams at them to falling asleep mid-pirouette from listening to boring Cheryl Burke.
Abby Lee Miller, the barbecued sea witch who became a star from eating the souls of children on camera, announced in a dramatic CAPS-FILLED Instagram post that she’s done with being used by the producers of Dance Moms. Abby says she’s quitting the show after 7 seasons, because she’s done with the sexism and the dude producers not giving her the credit she deserves.
If you’ve sold whatever soul you have left to be on a hit reality show, your contract with Satan usually states that you must do one of the following:
- Get a DUI
- Commit child abuse
- Beat a bitch with a bottle in the club
- Terrorize innocent ear drums by releasing a dance song
- Pull some fraud shit
Abby Lee Miller of Lifetime’s Dance Moms has already completed the second one since she regularly strengthens the dark orb of evil in her chest by feeding off of the fear of the little girls she yells at. But I guess she wanted bonus points with Satan, because she also completed the last one.