If you woke up this morning feeling a little closer to Heaven, there’s a reason for that, and it isn’t your sleep apnea. Iconic, ageless, legendary, wigged QUEEN, Cher, has given the gays and the world what they need: a confirmed full tracklist, album cover and release date of her new ABBA cover album. That erection you woke up with wasn’t morning wood, honey, it was Cher!
It looks like 2018 isn’t turning out to be the complete flaming anal fissure that 2017 was. A jury said “Bye Bitch!” to Bill Cosby, North and South Korea vowed to stop warring, the Golden State Killer was possibly caught, Ryan Murphy made the best decision of his career by casting Joan Collins in the next AHS, the IRS discovered a glitch in my 2016 tax returns and sent me a $16 check, and now we’re learning that ABBA is going to cause ears to jizz out glitter by releasing new music. I’m going to pray that Alexander Skarsgard pops up on my Grindr tonight and messages me with, “Looking?” It can happen! Because if ABBA got back together, anything is possible!
But didn’t they all die in the end?
Universal has announced that they’re releasing a sequel to the film version of ABBA-fest jukebox musical, Mamma Mia!. Deadline says that the entire cast is coming back, which means that Pierce Brosnan might sing again. Please, for all that is holy and good in the world, do not let Pierce Brosnan sing again. He sounded like a dying burro in an iron lung. How Meryl Streep’s character didn’t fling herself off a cliff to escape his singing is inexplicable.