Category: A Shot At Love
The Best Of Khia’s ABCs
“Ole as Methusalem” and “EBT Card Awards” are just a few of the priceless nuggets my second favorite philosopher next to Megan Fox spat out of her finger tips in an eloquent blog post on her personal A to Zs. While Beyonce and Chris Brown sip purified beluga whale urine out of black diamond goblets on their flying Maybachs, Khia did the real work by renting out a computer at Kinko’s for 2 hours to read all of them their rights! Beyonce’s handlers better have a chalk eraser handy to wipe off the outline around her, because Khia pretty much destroyed her (not really).
The best of are below and I really hope to see Khia’s version of the ABCs in an upcoming episode of Sesame Street. You haven’t really heard the phrase “turned to the side ass pussy” until you’ve heard it from Elmo.
Letter A- Amber Rose: Imma show this bitch a little love cuz she from Philly bald headed and all….She cute!!!! I aint gone judge the hoe because we all know she been on a strippa pole since she was 5 years old, suckin clits since 12, and decided to TRICK and SUCK every nigga in the game and wanna be a model at 35…… Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!! But I am gone roast at the fact that she leaked photos on the internet of that MILE loooooong, 18wheeler, turned to the SIDE ass pussy, with her DUMB ass and lost ALL of the MONEY! It didn’t work for KATRINA HARBOR and it’s NOT gonework for YOU!!!!! Someone stole your computer, someone stole her phone……Heard it all before!!!! Chile boooo…Stick to what ya know
Trickin, Strippen and Suckin dick and pussy lips…..Get Money Biiiiiitch!!!!!Letter B- Beyonce: Fuck this hoe………Can Kelly Rowland make a little bit of MONEY???? We all seen Kelly on the EBT card awards shut that shit down and here you come making Jay Z call in all of his favors to put you on the TV screen with that TIRED, THROUGH and DELAYED performance. We ALL could have passed on that! Imma a fan, true enough but we really sick of looking at you! Give Solange a chance or give your husband Jay Z some children cuz he getting ole as Methasulem and his time is running OUT!! Who runs the world? Girls…..Girls!
Letter C- Chris Brown: Oooooooooooo Hoooooooney…… How many records you sold????Cuz the sissy’s and punks all around the world saw ALLLLLLLL your bizness With your “Who told Harpo to beat me,” Blonde hair, Dick down to ya knees….. Redirect your anger please!! Looks like another Dennis Rodman to me….. I aint the one to gossip so you aint heard it from me!
Letter K-Katrina Laverne Taylor and Kimberly Denise Jones: I done let Lil Kim have it on my single “Fix Your Face,” available on I-tunes, so we gone dedicate the letter K to Katrina Harbor, who done gave all
these niggas and bull daggers HIV, Lupus and Grave’s Disease loosing hair and weight, with eyes and thyroids bulging out of the socket! Katrina Harbor has been killing niggas and bull-daggers for a whole decade…… When is yall niggas gone tell the truth? The hood already knows dis…..Easy E aint the only one who went out with a BANG… So glad I didn’t Juuuuuump on that dirty Diiiiiiiiiiick!!!!!!!
Besides, I have already let the world know on the “Hit Er Up” diss that Katrina Harbor’s DURTY, ROTTEN and CORODED ass can’t have no babies…..Weezy aint been the same since he left your ass!!!! Aint no need to tweet about you NOT being PREG! When you don’t take your meds you shrink like a prune and when you do, you big as 2 Burger Kings!!!! Keep it real hoe!!!!!
I hear CVS has a new Minute Clinic but the problems you have with your PUSSIE pussy, you gotta go to the free CLINIC for that!!!!! Bobble Head Biiiiiiiitch!!!!!
Letter Z-Kim Zolciak: Kim you finally dropped Big Poppa like a bad habit because he couldn’t keep the rent and lights on at Shannon Mall in Union City! We all knew that you’s a gold digging, money hungary ass whore with no talent! Kandi wrote you a national hit and you couldn’t even perform it live because you were too busy trying to keep that synthetic wig in place that Derrick been sewing and stitching for years.Its funny how Kandi can write everybody else a hit…Opps, well enough of that back to the subject at hand..You finally struck gold with that young and tender football player after knowing him for only 90 days, you hit a home run with his first born son!!! Get Money Bitch………
Toss every poetry book in the library and replace them with a copy of this! I wish my life was like an episode of Herman’s Head and I wish Khia was one of my emotions. Click here to read even more musings from the Shakespeare of Philadelphia.
Sage Khia Reviews Nicki Minaj’s Album
Khia somehow found a way to rip Nicki Minaj’s album off of Rapidshare and then it burn it onto a CD from one of Kinko’s pay-by-the-hour computers AND THANK EVERYTHING SHE DID! When Khia gives one of her priceless sermons in front of the abandoned train tracks behind a Safeway, you better show up and be ready to get healed.
On her blog, the always prolific Khia delivered a track-by-track review of Nicki’s album and sang out insightful quote after insightful quote! Quotes that need to be printed on a sticker and slapped on Nicki’s album when it gets re-issued. I mean:
“It smells WORSER than the gas that’s coming out of my ASS, from all of the Turkey that I ate over the Thanksgiving weekend.” – gold-selling recording artist KHIA!
“Her breast looked suculant, but I wouldn’t suck them wit Latifah’s lips! Shout out to the stylists and photographers who done a spectacular job, airbrushing and styling this “Dungeon Dragon” because we all know that this “Lint-Lizard” doesn’t look like this in person.” – Sunglasses aficionado KHIA!
Why doesn’t Khia have her own music column at Rolling Stone, The New York Times, the PennySaver, Street Wise, Real Change, Craigslist, etc..etc…? But enough of me, here’s a little more of Khia trying to burn the ends of Nicki’s wig with a half-used fireplace match (you can read the whole review here):
Track 3: Did It On’Em
What did you do? Because it’s obvious that you will not sell any RECORDS, don’t get too “COMFY” over there at Cash Money Records Sweeeeetie because if they DROPPED Teena Marie, they are going to be SWEEPING your ASS out the DOOR pretty soon! I Thank my husband for DROPPING Lil Mo becuase her LIPS weighed more than her ALBUM sales and needed to be picked UP from draaaaaaaging the floor! Every night me and my husband Weezy still fight about him letting Teena Marie go!Track 4: Right Thru Me
We see right past your dumb ass! See through you, walk over you, step on you, so tired of you! I know it won’t be long before I hear about you in the PAPER! I smell a nervous BREAK DOWN coming on…..You’re not BUILT for this!Track 6: Save Me
I just told yall to SAVE this bitch…….She is DROWNING, FALLEN and can’t GET Up! Don’t give up though, keep swimming……… Hopefully, you will be able to keep Hope alive for all of lil girls that’s drowning! Seems like, Willow Smith and Justin Bieber should have been featured on the album, because the chilren are the only ones who are pleased with the works of this tired ass album. Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!Track 8: Check It Out
Check what out? The best thing on this track is the “Feature” WIL-I-AM…… I can’t believe I wasted my $13.99 on this BULL SHIT, I told yall that it aint no damn Barbies in the hood! I can’t wait for Matel to sue this bitch for all of the $3.60 that she earned! When is this bitch gonna learn that they stealing all of the money?Track 9: Blazin
The only thing that’s “Blazin” is Onika’s pussy! Yeah fellas, it’s burning……Flaming Hot! Bitches will do anything for a record deal! Onika, look in the mirror! Are you pleased with yourself? We seen the BEFORE, it would have been better if you came out AFTER all of the surgery!Track 11: Dear Old Nicki
RIP…….Case closed and casket DROPPED!
WRIST FULL OF COLORFUL RUBBER BANDS! Now you know how Jesus’ disciples felt that day on the plain, right? Where is the Khia Finch version of The Bible?!
But seriously, Nicki Minaj is probably like, “Who?!”
Khia’s Candy Cane Coochie
If you ever find yourself inside Khia’s house and notice a cup full of candy canes with bits of crusted Cream of Wheat on them, stay away, because after reading this you will know exactly where that shit has been and the kind of clit they’ve seen! Khia tells Vibe Magazine that you can celebrate the spirit of Christmas all year long by sticking a little ho ho ho in your hoo hoo hoo. Khia says:
“Don’t be scared to bring candies and toys into the bedroom. Some guys are jealous of dildos because of the size, so what I did to kind of ease [my ex-husband] is introduce him to jumbo candy canes that they give at Christmas time. I like that better because number one, it doesn’t look like a penis that’s bigger than him, so he won’t be jealous. Plus, it makes the vagina taste wonderful and the peppermint makes it tingle a little bit when he blows. It’s good when he’s giving you head; it looks fun and kiddie-like going in, so he’s not intimidated.”
And I don’t even want to know what she does with Pop Rocks….
The Naked Cowboy Takes On The Naked Cowgirl
Do you see the dazzling cactus flower on the right wearing a wig she snatched out of a Dolly Parton costume bag from the 99 Cent Store and her face covered in make-up that was applied by an old drag queen who suffers from an essential tremor? Well, that’s the Naked Cowgirl of NYC and she’s nobody’s ho! But the Naked Cowboy thinks otherwise and he has skipped on over to her corner to slip a cease and desist into her g-string. The Naked Cowboy wants her to stop using the name the “Naked Cowgirl” unless she pays him a $500 a month franchise fee! Basically, the Naked Cowboy wants to be her pimp. Homegirl is way too old to be someone’s bitch, hooker.
According to People, 39-year-old Robert Burck (Ho name: The Naked Cowboy) owns the trademark for the Naked Cowboy and anybody who wants to use the name professionally has to pay him. The Naked Cowboy sued Mars Inc. a couple of years ago for using a naked cowboy M&M as part of an advertising campaign. His lawyer says that the Naked Cowgirl is clearly violating his trademark and they will sue her hot ass if she doesn’t comply.
The Naked Cowgirl (government name: Sandy Kane), an old time stripper who was famous for lighting her tits on fire, says that she’s been doing the nekkid thing way before the Naked Cowboy came around. She says, “I’ve been naked for years. You know how much money I make? Two dollars a picture. I’m not selling any products. The song ain’t going anywhere anyways. It’s not like he’s Tim McGraw or Keith Urban.”
All of us should file a class action lawsuit against the Naked Cowboy for fraud and false advertising, because dude does not get nekkid! The last time I checked being nekkid didn’t include a pair of tighty whiteys covering your parts! When you see the name “NAKED COWBOY” you expect to see a bare peen lassoing a hog. He should change his name to Cock Tease Cowboy.
By the way, that class action lawsuit will not include the Naked Cowgirl. It’s best that she keeps her chonies on as much as possible. You know, because I don’t think any of us can take seeing her beauty in all its spectacular glory.
Gary Dourdan’s Girlfriend Arrested For Allegedly Attacking His Ass
The girlfriend of CSI’s Gary Dourdan was put into handcuffs yesterday afternoon after she allegedly went crazy on him during a fight. TMZ says that when the cops arrived to Gary’s house in Venice, CA, they found him all scratched up. They arrested his girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo and booked her on misdemeanor domestic battery.
TMZ wants you to know that Maria 5’8″, 110 lbs and Gary is 6’2″ with a “fighting weight” of 190.
Gary is a lot bigger than Maria, but if he even flicked at her eyelash, it would’ve been game over for his ass. Besides, size does not always matter when it comes to fighting. Surprisingly, I haven’t been in many psychical fights in my life, but in junior high school I got my ass beat so hard by my best friend at the time who was 5’1″. Homegirl beat me down, because I said that her boyfriend was ugly. It wasn’t even a match and I knew it. At one point, I lifted up my arm to protect myself from her crazy ass, and she grabbed it and forced me to slap myself in the face. Yeah, that’s when you just roll over and play dead. That’s not funny.
Although, me getting beat down by a tiny girl isn’t saying much since a malnourished, half-blind newborn baby could kick my ass with one arm tied behind its back.
Quotes Of The Day
It’s been a while since we’ve sat in on one of Khia’s sermons, so here’s her thoughts on Trina’s leaked naked pictures. Bow your head, and listen to the preacher preach!
Keep your head bowed, she’s not done yet.
Now raise your hands to the sky, and nod like you know what she’s going on about! Seriously, I never thought it was possible for someone to mumble through their Tweets, but Khia has proven me wrong.
And you know that pile of rubber bands on your desk? Yeah, you might want to keep those in your drawer from now on.
via Crunktastical