“A Star Is Born” Is Heading Back To Theaters And Lady Gaga Insists She’s Not Really In Love With Bradley Cooper
I saw on the news this morning that Bradley Cooper popped his furry rodent face out of the ground, saw his shadow, grumbled incoherently and dove back down. Which I guess means we can expect at least another 6 weeks of having A Star Is Born shoved down our throats. ASIB is getting a theatrical re-release, and this time it’s going to be even longer.
According to Huffington Post, 12 minutes of new footage has been added, probably at the end where *SPOILER ALERT* Sam Elliott’s mustache jumps off his face and runs to the garage to replace the rope Jackson has tied around his neck. Sam’s ‘stache gently unfurls, leaving Jackson disoriented but alive, so they can make a sequel. I’m already organizing a 2020 Oscar campaign: Mustache for Best Supporting Actor.
Well it was bound to happen sooner or later. Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are remaking A Star Is Born yet again, only this time Gaga is the grizzled old-timer and B. Coop is the ingénue. Over the weekend at her Las Vegas residency, Lady Gaga brought the spry, ball-capped Cooper kid out onstage to help her sing Shallow. And by “help” I mean warble out a few notes while she performs mock fellatio then banishes him to the end of the piano with the instructions: “stare at me adoringly while I spasm with ecstasy but don’t make eye contact you peasant”. And honestly, this is the only version of ASIB that interests me in the least.
Did you just return from a 2-year Peace Corps stint in the deepest jungles of Borneo? If so, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do! Probably the most important thing that’s happened since you’ve been gone is that the remake of A Star Is Born starring Lady Gaga finally opened! I know, can you believe it? I never thought the blessed day would come either but it did. And boy did it come hard. And long. It was pretty much like a drawn out, Sting-like tantric orgasm only replace Sting with leather faced, gravel gargling Bradley Cooper. The Golden Globes are on Sunday and the film’s up for a gang of awards. So naturally, the marketing department is keen to boost the movie’s profile by installing a giant Billboard on Sunset Boulevard, identical to the one that appears in the movie of Gaga’s character, Ally. See, I told you this movie was a big fucking deal!
In case you’ve been living in a hole miles away from civilization (which, in 2018 – I would not blame you), then you might not know that Lady Gaga is getting a lot of awards season buzz for her performance in A Star is Born. The Oscars are still three months away, which means we’ve got three months of awards that Lady Gaga could potentially win for her performance of
brown-haired Lady Gaga Ally Maine. First up, a Best Actress award from The National Board of Review.
Sorry, Little Monsters – the Twitter trolling didn’t work! Lady Gaga’s fans basically issued a social media edict in the week leading up to the A Star Is Born debut at the box office against Venom, the Tom Hardy-starring comic book movie competing against Gaga. The Little Monsters dragged Tom’s movie and said it was a smelly, fug, grotsky be-yotch (or just said it was a snooze to watch) that nobody should go see. Even though critics seemed to agree, we told you Friday it looked like Tom would win the weekend box office. That’s exactly what happened, but A Star Is Born still did better than people were expecting this weekend.
Wet Hot American Summer has ruined Bradley Cooper for me personally; I can only see him as an uptight camp counselor. But maybe that works for some people? Regardless, I’m sure you could find at least one person who wants to bone Bradley Cooper. Sadly for Bradley, there was a moment when he lost a role for not being “fuckable.” He’s one of the sexiest, but apparently only from the safe distance of a People magazine cover.