Category: 2019 Oscars
Spike Lee Finally Won An Oscar, And Was Pissed When “Green Book” Got Best Picture
Spike Lee finally an Oscar after years and years and YEARS of being a recognized fixture of the movie industry but getting no tiny gold man-shaped statues. Well clear that mantle over the fireplace (or whatever rich people have to show off trophies) because Spike Lee won an Oscar last night for Best Adapted Screenplay for his movie BlacKkKlansman. But Spike Lee’s joy over finally getting his hands on that trophy was temporarily interrupted by Green Book winning Best Picture, which made him almost walk out of the damn theater.
Well, At Least Peter Farrelly Didn’t Flash His Dick At Everyone Last Night, So There’s That
Julia Roberts presented the Best Picture Oscar last night and when she said the words “Green Book,” I was hoping that it was another PriceWaterhouseCoopers fuck up. But Green Book really did win Best Picture. Marie Kondo, who was at the Oscars last night (pics in the gallery), should’ve grabbed Green Book before the show, declared it doesn’t spark joy and trashed it before it had a chance to win anything. Damn you, Marie! You had ONE job!
Olivia Colman Gives Good Speech
Picture this: Pip Close holding his ass up at the TV and farting at the screen when his human lost to Olivia Colman!
I was secretly hoping that 7th time would be a charm for Glenn Close, but Olivia Colman deserved it for her delivery of the perfect line “I like it when she puts her tongue inside of me” in The Favourite. And she proved she deserved it with her perfection speech that was a mixture of messy, charming, and funny. It was a perfect speech, but on the other hand, if Glenn Close won, she definitely would’ve delivered a perfect speech by saying, “I’d like to thank Pip Close and Pip Close alone. Goodnight.”
Watch Olivia Colman's endearingly shell-shocked acceptance speech for Best Actress #Oscars pic.twitter.com/l1RI0pIf3t
— The A.V. Club (@TheAVClub) February 25, 2019
And as for what Glenn Close was thinking when Olivia shouted her out, she was definitely thinking, “I can’t believe I wore gold. Fuck me and fuck all the bitches saying I was the frontrunner.”
Pics: ABC, Wenn.com
And The Razzie For The Most Extra Speech Goes To Lady Gaga’s Oscar Speech
My thoughts exactly, dude in the background who is obviously thinking, “Bitch, it’s just Original Song, DAMN, it’s not that serious!”
Oscars Open Post: Hosted By Pippi “Pip” Close
As I’m typing this, I am hoping that a certain gorgeous blond bombshell is luxuriating in a Hollywood hotel penthouse on a velvet settee and throwing barf eyes at his stylist as he’s presented with the one-of-a-kind tuxedo options that have been FedEx’d overnight to him from Milan while a manicurist works on his nail situation, a team of hair stylists try to achieve the impossible (aka making his immaculate coif even more flawless), and a groomer wearing warmed cashmere gloves expresses his anal glands. That last one might make you think I’m talking about Ryan Seacrest, but I am talking about the stunning Pippi “Pip” Close who stole yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards without even trying.
The Oscars Will Be Presenting Four Awards While You’re In The Bathroom
The Oscars are supposed to be a fun distraction at the end of a long, grey winter. We want beautiful gowns, we want pizazz, we want somebody to fall down, we want tears, we want lingering close-ups of Amy Adams’ face as Meryl Streep is announced as the winner for the 89th time. So yes, we want drama, but not the kind of pre-game drama The Academy has been doling out for the past few months. After a series of missteps and stupid ideas, the latest opera glove slap to the face was when yesterday, The Academy announced it would present four awards during the commercial breaks. According to Variety, awards for best cinematography, film editing, live action short, and makeup and hairstyling will be relegated to what they’re calling “delayed presentations”. They’ll be available to livestream on the internet, and will be tacked on to the end of the show as if everybody isn’t already half asleep and down to the last, burnt old-maids in the popcorn bowl by then.