Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.
While the Golden Globes was all about #MeToo, BuzzFeed points out that the Oscars were a bit more relaxed with it. Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra, and Salma Hayek did talk about Time’s Up a bit during the ceremony, in Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue, he tore into Harvey Weinstein and how tone deaf Hollywood had been by joking, “Here’s how clueless Hollywood is about women. They made a movie called What Women Want and it literally starred Mel Gibson.” I’m sure that pissed off Mel’s BFF4L Jodie Foster, and I’m sure she wanted to hit Jimmy with her crutch over.
There seemed to be fewer Time’s Up pins on dresses and jackets. But Emma Watson tried to represent the movement with a most likely temporary tattoo, but she got dragged for not running her tattoo idea through Microsoft Word spellcheck because it lacked an apostrophe.
Her “Time’s Up” was a sad “Times Up,” which everyone knows is how you lose a fight in the family text thread. No matter if you made the most logical argument as to why you should get to skip Christmas at home this year, the first sign of lackluster punctuation shows you’re an ignoramus and everyone’s punching bag for the next seven years. Great work, Emma! Time’s Up is ruined because you missed apostrophe class at Brown!
Here’s more of Emma and her “Times Up” tattoo and baby bangs last night.
Like and oasis in a desert, Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph saved last night’s Academy Awards ceremony from being a dry ass saltine cracker by injecting the show with some much needed moisture. The pair joined forces to present Best Documentary Short Subject and Live Action Short Film and were so much fun together, some folks are calling for them to host next year’s whole shebang.
“Oscar winner Kobe Bryant” became a fact last night when he and animator Glen Keane won the Oscar for Best Animated Short for Dear Basketball, which was based on a poem he wrote about retiring. Many in the audience cheered and clapped for their Los Angeles basketball God winning an Oscar, but not everyone was using their hands to praise Kobe. Some were using their hands to sign a petition asking the Academy to take away his Oscar. And I was using my hands to scratch my head over Kobe Bryant having more Oscars than Gina Gershon (who should’ve gotten several for Showgirls), Glenn Close and the finale fly in Call Me By Your Name.
For the first time in what felt like the Oscars 90-year history, the ceremony didn’t drag on over four hours. Last night they managed to keep it at 3 hours and 50 minutes (although, the ratings may have hit an all-time low). It may have come under four hours, because at the top of the show, Jimmy Kimmel announced that whatever winner gave the shortest acceptance speech would go home a Jet Ski!
Jimmy presented it convention center boat show-style with Helen Mirren showing it off. Helen should have gone home with her own special prize for suffering through all those inevitable “Hey mama, do you come with the Jet Ski?” jokes. Jimmy later doubled-down by adding in a trip to Lake Havasu, Arizona.
Actors and directors have a tendency to like attention and validation, and none of the winners last night had the self-control needed not to ramble on during their acceptance speech (Gary Oldman admitted as much). So it’s not really a surprise that the winner of the shortest acceptance speech went to a non-actor. Phantom Thread costume designer Mark Bridges had the shortest speech of the night, clocking in at 36 seconds.
Entertainment Weekly says there were official rules posted on monitors inside the Dolby Theater for the Kawasaki Jet Ski Ultra 310LX, valued at approximately $18,000. Mark rode out at the end of the ceremony on his lime green Jet Ski with Helen Mirren on the back. I doubt Mark even got the Jet Ski home. Oscar presenter and GTE (good times enthusiast) Matthew McConaughey was probably looking at that Jet Ski with saucer eyes, and cornered Mark backstage with an offer to take it off his hands.
The most exciting moment of last night’s Academy Awards happened inside Jennifer Garner’s head. During a cut to the audience, Jennifer’s face was seen going from placid to flacid in an instant. Girlfriend looked shookus’d! And because last night’s ceremony was a parade of predictability, the moment quickly became this year’s go-to Oscar meme.