It didn’t take long for Donald Trump to fire up those stubby little fingers of his and slap back at Meryl Streep for hurting his feelings. Shortly after Meryl called him out during her Cecil B. DeMille award acceptance speech at the Golden Globes last night, the President-elect got all angry and hissed back.
Viola Davis, who won the Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe for Fences, presented Meryl Streep with the Cecil B. DeMille award at the GGs tonight and her introduction was some Tony Award-worthy shit. Viola delivered several layers of THEATER! I wondered how Meryl Streep herself was going to follow that up, and then she went up to the mic and snatched the road kill carcass on Donald Trump’s head without even saying his name.
The Golden Globes turned out to be your theater queen friend who has seen La La Land a hundred times, has one of the songs as his ringtone and throws you the most disgusting look every time you say you haven’t seen it yet and really have no desire to do so. La La Land won everything including Best Actor – Comedy or Musical for Ryan Gosling. Ryan Gosling was up against the other Ryan, future Oscar winner (in his head) Ryan Reynolds for Deadpool. When Ryan beat Ryan, it wasn’t Blake NotSoLively who sucked the sad rejection out of him by sucking his face. It was Andrew Garfield. If you’re a Marvel nerd, lock the door, pull down your pants and grab the lotion.
You probably missed Ryan Reynolds & Andrew Garfield making out at the #GoldenGlobes, so here. On the left.
— Complex Pop Culture (@ComplexPop) January 9, 2017
Seriously, my thoughts and prayers are with the parents of gay Marvel nerds. Because I can’t even imagine what happened when nerds watched Deadpool and Spider-Man make love to each other’s mouths. I bet that many moms are going to walk into their sons’ rooms tomorrow and wonder why the carpet is covered with dried evaporated milk. “Were you making a dozen tres leches cakes in here or something?” is what mom is going to scream.
Deadpool and Spider-Man don’t do things to me, but I’ll take man-on-man action however I can get it. I was hoping that the man-on-man hotness would’ve rubbed off on Jake Gyllenhaal and Luke Bracey and made them tongue each other good.
Pic: @People, Getty
Either Nicole Kidman’s stylist does a lot of acid and also hates her, or she’s done a lot of acid and hates herself. Because Nicole started the week at the Palm Springs International Film Festival looking like what happened when a low-budget wax museum re-styled their melting Nicole Kidman wax figure as a Taylor Swift circa 2007 wax figure. And at tonight’s Golden Globes, Nicole Kidman showed up looking like a grown Little Bo Peep after she lost her sheep herding job and had to turn tricks at a brothel where the Tin Man and his Tin Man friends came in and busted a bukkake all over her dress. She also looks like a chorus girl in a Las Vegas show about Westworld.
The shit she wore in Palm Springs and the shit she wore tonight both look like they were chosen by a 5-year-old girl on shrooms. So I hope she keeps that theme going and shows up to the Oscars wearing a giant Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.
The Golden Globes, Oscar’s high school dropout little brother who holds the record for getting kicked out of Dave & Buster’s the most times, are tonight. And that means it’s that time of year when many of us get drunk at home while watching drunk movie stars throw shady eyes at the peasants (read: people on TV). The flu has taken over my body, so I’ll probably be the one who gets so plastered on TheraFlu Sours (TheraFlu and whiskey) that I’ll be cheering for Lily Collins and Jonah Hill to win.
Don’t feel guilty about filling your eating hole with all kinds of deep fried deliciousness tonight, because you’ll burn at least 10,000 calories from rolling your eyes at everything the GGs host Jimmy Fallon does. Since Jimmy is hosting, he probably won’t make fun of the famous rich bitches in the room like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Ricky Gervais did. Jimmy will save his energy for kissing their asses and playing Wheel of Musical Impressions with Meryl Streep (as Florence Foster Jenkins). Actually, I’d be into that second one.
And now that leads me to today’s Open Post: the oh-so-scandalous speech that Bette Midler gave in 1980 when she won the Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture for The Rose. Bette busted out a titty-licious Golden Globes pun and then acted like she was going to suck off her trophy. This speech is practically G-rated today, but apparently back in 1980, it made parents THINK OF THE CHILDREN by covering their kids’ eyes and ears.
That will forever be one of my favorite GG speeches, but I hope someone tops it tonight by actually deep throating their award. (I’m talking to you, Ryan Gosling.)
The nominations for the 74th Annual Watch Movie And TV Tricks Get Drunk On Champagne Ceremony (aka the Golden Globes) were announced at the hour of the ungodly this morning, and the names and titles I expected to see were all on the list. You know, Moonlight, Manchestah By Da Sea, Loving, Jackie and that musical movie where Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone twirl, dance and sing. But then as I scrolled, my eyeballs read a name that I only thought I’d ever see on a list of Razzie nominations. I screamed out the name “LILY COLLINS” like Jessica Lange screaming “KNOTTY PINE!”
Lily Collins got a nomination for Best Performance By An Actress In A Motion Picture, Musical, Or Comedy for that Warren Beatty movie that looks a fake movie within a movie. Rules Don’t Apply flopped with critics and at the box office, so Lily Collins getting nominated for it should win the category of Funniest 2017 Golden Globe Nomination. (Jonah Hill got a nomination for War Dogs, so he’s the runner-up for Funniest 2017 Golden Globe Nomination.)
I probably won’t ever see Rules Don’t Apply, because I don’t hate myself that much, but I’m guessing that voters were hypnotized by the incredible performance that Lily Collins’ emoting caterpillar brows gave and that’s why they wrote her name down. I don’t blame them.
Lily Collins is up against Meryl Streep for Florence Foster Farms, so yeah, she already lost. Meryl’s name is already engraved on that trophy.
La La Land got the most movie nominations with 7, followed by Moonlight with 6 and Manchestah By Da Sea with 7. Tom Hanks was shut out. But Ryan Reynolds got a nom for Deadpool, Aaron Taylor-Johnson got a nom instead of Michael Shannon (for Nocturnal Animals) and the 2017 Golden Globes are covered with a layer of azucar, because Mel “Sugar Tits” Gibson’s Hacksaw Ridge got 3 nominations.
And on the TV side, The People v. O.J. Simpson got nominated for EVERYTHING (5 nominations total) and behind it was The Night Manager (4 nominations). And woke robots are the new raping medieval knights, because Westworld got 3 nominations while Game of Thrones got 2.
All of the nominations are here, but most of them are after the cut. Again, LILY COLLINS!