While not as dramatic as the gays, there were other affairs of the heart that weighed heavy on those around the parties involved at the Oscars. Mid-life crisis Ben Affleck and bland former wig wearer Jennifer Garner were at, SHOCK!, the same Oscars after party. As you are all aware, the two are in the process of getting divorced but are friendly – they went skiing over Valentine’s Day, still live together and threw a birthday party together for their son the day before the Oscars. But, according to People, they kept their distance at the Vanity Fair after-Oscars party.
When Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest wet dream finally came true last night, it was bittersweet for me. While it’s nice to see his undeniable thirst finally get quenched, I was sad to say goodbye to the Susan Lucci jokes that never got old. (“Um, those jokes died of old age and were completely eaten by the worms a long time ago.” – everyone but me) But thanks to the Internet pulling its shoulder muscles by reaching so damn hard, the jokes live on for another day.
A strange thing happened at the Academy Awards last night (yes, stranger than Dionne from Clueless appearing on stage on purpose). If you watched any of the red carpet coverage before she show, you probably kept waiting for Jennifer Lawrence to roll up and work her goofy So Real stumble game for the cameras. Except that never happened and Twitter noticed.
According to UsWeekly, the reason JLaw didn’t turn out the red carpet like Benny Hill was because she barely even walked it. Apparently everyone had already been inside the Dolby Theatre for a good 10 minutes before JLaw showed up with her date, David O. Russell. So she ditched the traditional Jennifer Lawrence experience and hauled ass through the step and repeat instead. And once inside, we didn’t really get that much more of her. Normally JLaw gets the best seat in the house (the one right in front of the most flattering camera), but this year that went to this year’s Oscar Princess, Leonardo DiCaprio.
The only time I really got to see JLaw was after Lady Gaga’s performance. If you pay close attention during that video of Brie Larson hugging all the abuse survivors, you can totally see her fellow Best Actress nominee Jennifer Lawrence hugging human mop Jenny Beavan and thanking her for being such an inspiration to her character. No, that didn’t happen; a 10 like Jenny would never associate with a 5 like JLaw.
During Lady Gaga’s GIMME THAT OSCAR!! performance of “Til It Happens To You“, a song about college campus abuse that she may or may not have written with Diane Warren, a large group of sexual assault survivors joined her on stage. It was a pretty powerful moment. Even those annoying-ass minions were like “This moment is making me feel things.”
One person who was definitely feeling it was Best Actress winner Brie Larson, who felt it so hard she gave them all hugs as they exited the stage.
— Chris Gardner (@chrissgardner) February 29, 2016
It sort of made sense that she would be the one to start a receiving line of hugs; Brie was nominated for portraying a sexual abuse survivor in Room. Or maybe Brie is just that kind of nice? It wouldn’t surprise me; anyone named after such a delicious cheese can’t be that bad.
Here’s more of Brie and Gaga from last night. Gaga, you tried it, but nobody does formal peek-a-boo pants better than Demi Moore.
Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.
The fickle and forgetful queens that run the ‘In Memoriam’ section of the Oscars have shot their side eyes and flicked their acting scarves over their shoulders once again. Every year there are glaring omissions on the list of those that have moved on to the great green room in the sky and this year, as many of you, including my brother (Hi, Dan.), and The New York Post noticed, the biggest snub was Abe Vigoda.