If the stories of master thespian Jared Leto in perpetual Joker cosplay have taught me anything, it’s that Oscar winners sometimes take themselves very seriously. Apparently that’s not just something non-Hollywooders like myself noticed. Tina Fey knows it too. Even though Tina is technically Hollywood, she lives in New York City full time. It sounds like living in a place that turns into a frozen hellhole in the winter and where the donuts will give you the multicolor shits has immunized Tina to overzealous Oscar winners.
Last Friday, Henry Cavill’s 19-year-old British college student girlfriend Tara King caused thousands of aspiring celebrity girlfriends to leap out of their seats and give her a round of applause when she was seen arriving at LAX with him two days before the Oscars. Usually it takes a while for a celebrity girlfriend to achieve plus-1 Oscar status, but Tara managed to do it in a mere four months. Just like that, Tara went from 19-year-old college student to 19-year-old life inspiration.
Sadly, Tara King’s reign as the Queen of the Celebrity Teen Girlfriends didn’t last long. When Henry Cavill walked the Oscars red carpet, he did it alone. And when the camera panned to Henry in the audience during the show, it appeared that he was sitting next to a bunch of adults, which can only mean one thing: poor Tara was left in the hotel room on Oscar night. “Sorry Tara, but Oscar Guest is an honor you’ve got to earn” said former celebrity girlfriend Suki Waterhouse. But because Henry Cavill isn’t a completely terrible boyfriend, he swung by the hotel, told her to throw on a dress and press on some Lee’s, and brought her to the Vanity Fair party after the Oscars.
How kind of him! At least she got to walk one red carpet. Sure, it’s technically beige, and it’s about as exclusive as a Target store, but it’s something. Plus, it gave Henry a chance to try out a couple new Handsome Boyfriend™ poses (I think the one above is called The Suave Mannequin).You know, it was really dumb of Henry not to take his teenage girlfriend to the Oscars. When the Academy finds out he had an opportunity to get a young person to watch the show and didn’t take it, they’re going to be so pissed.
Here’s Henry walking the red carpet by himself on Sunday night:
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
Poor Leo. He finally wins an Oscar, and nobody gives enough of a shit to turn on their TV and watch it happen. Leo is Bad Luck Brian.
I watched the Oscars in a room full of people, and I guess I just figured we weren’t the only group of 15-20 people willing to risk all the muscles in their bodies going corpse from watching that boring show. But it sounds like we’re the only ones who took that risk.
According to Deadline, an average of 34.3 million people watched the 88th Academy Awards on Sunday night. Now, 34.3 million seems like a lot, but it’s not when it comes to Oscars watchers. Deadline says the numbers from this year’s show marked an 8-year low in viewership and barely beat out the lowest-rated ceremony ever, the 80th Academy Awards. To put it into perspective, nearly 4 million people chose to watch an airing of Last Vegas instead. This year’s Oscars currently holds the distinction of being the third-lowest rated broadcast since they started keeping track of that sort of thing. So basically, Chris Rock’s second time hosting didn’t suck as as much as Jon Stewart’s (2008) and Hugh Jackman’s (2009), but it came pretty close. That sound you just heard was Jada Pinkett Smith cackling something about karma.
Speaking of, Variety says the Oscars boycott was only a small part of the reason for the decline in viewership. They’re also pointing their “This is YOUR fault” finger at Chris Rock for not promoting the show enough, the Best Picture nominees for not being blockbusters, and youngins for not wanting to watch.
In case you were wondering what the most-watched Oscars were, that would be the 70th Academy Awards, aka the year Titanic won everything. An average of 57.25 million people watched that show. It’s pretty obvious what needs to happen if they want more people to watch the Oscars next year. Just get James Cameron to make a sequel to Titanic (Titanic 2: The Ship Returns) starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, get Celine Dion to record the theme (“My Heart Continues To Go On“), and bring back Billy Crystal. There, problem solved!
What 2016 has really been needing is a good old-fashioned gay scandal and we almost got one when Dustin Lance Black double-slapped Sam Smith on Twitter last night. But now it’s over….
Sam Smith won the Oscar for Best Song for “Writing’s On The Wall” and during his acceptance speech, he sort of said that he’s going down in history as the first openly gay dude to win the gold man trophy. That summoned a wave of side-eyes from openly gay Oscars winners of the past like Elton John, Stephen Sondheim, Howard Ashman’s ghost and Dustin Lance Black. When reporters in the press room pointed out to Sam Smith that he’s not the first openly gay dude to win an Oscar, he asked “Who’s the other person?” A reporter brought up Howard Ashman who won the Best Song Oscar twice for “Under The Sea” and “Beauty and the Beast.” Sam’s response was:
“I should know him. We should date.”
That’d be kind of hard since Howard Ashman has been dead since 1991.
DLB corrected Sam Smith on Twitter and also brought the shadiness when he added, “…it may be time to stop texting my fiancé.” BOOM. I was waiting for Sam Smith to turn it into a big gay drama by slapping back at DLB, but that didn’t happen and it’s not going to happen.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Millions of people probably simultaneously said, “I am not drunk enough for this,” when Chris Rock followed up his #OscarsSoWhite opening monologue by bringing out Stacey Dash for everyone to laugh at. Dionne from Clueless turned Fox News sweetheart came out and wished everybody a Happy Black History Month. It was supposed to be funny, but it’s almost impossible to laugh while your jaw is all-the-way shut from cringing. What was even more WTF than Stacey’s awkward bit at the Oscars was her explanation of it.