As expected, Ricky Gervais offended a lot of people while hosting the Golden Globes on Sunday night. It wouldn’t be a Golden Globes hosted by Ricky Gervais unless a bunch of people spent their Monday morning filling up NBC’s inbox with angry voicemails calling for Ricky’s balls. Some people were offended over the funny Ben Affleck joke he made while introducing Matt Damon and many were upset over the jokes he made about Caitlyn Jenner and Jeffrey Tambor. But Ricky no care and he’s gleefully lighting his cigarette on the flames of rage coming off of the people who hated his jokes.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
Entertainment Tonight, the Detective La Toya of entertainment news shows, got to the bottom of EVERYTHING by asking Leonardo DiCatchAHo about the spooked face he made when Lady Caca bumped into him while making her way to the stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries at the Golden Globes last night. The mystery of Leo’s cackling scared face has FINALLY been solved! (Not really.) We can all move on with our lives. (Not at all.)
After Leo won Best Actor in a Drama for that old-timey bearded hipster in the wild movie and Alejandro González Iñárritu won for directing it, they both talked to Entertainment Tonight backstage. Cameron Mathison (aka Ryan from All My Children) of ET told Leonardo that the moment when his Muttley laugh got interrupted by Gaga’s protruding cardboard hips trended on Twitter. Leo gave an extremely detailed explanation for what was running through his brain during that moment:
“That’s trending, huh? I just didn’t know what was passing me, that’s all.“
“What was passing me…” The shade continues. Shade on, Shade Queen Leo, shade on.
But Leo’s right. He didn’t know what was passing him. It could’ve been anything. It could’ve been that bear coming back for more. It could’ve been the Grim Reaper coming to collect him since he’s cheated death 3 times. It could’ve been an angry mob of his ex-pieces coming to get revenge on him.
Sorry, but it’s still not over. Yeah, Leonardo has spoken about the most riveting event of 2016, but I’m still going to need a highly skilled body language expert to tell me what he’s pointing at. My guess is that he’s pointing at Felicity Huffman and saying, “You got beat by Lady Caca, blehehehehehehehehehehehehe!”
According to pretty much EVERYONE (but specifically Vanity Fair, UsWeekly, E!, and People), Katy Perry – the Golden Globes presenter that made the majority of viewers turn to the person sitting beside them and whisper “Wait, why is she here?“, and Orlando Bloom – the Golden Globes presenter who I initially thought was a cleaned-up Charlie Sheen, might be a thing that is happening.
A whole bunch of blabbermouths who attended Harvey Weinstein’s afterparty squealed on Katy and Orlando by claiming they spent a good chunk of the night together doing the following: whispering, flirting, being flirty, leaning in close, getting super cozy, “sharing a vape pen“, and dancing together. One source added that Orlando would “touch the small of her back” when talking to her. The small of her back? Calm down, you two! It’s Harvey Weinstein’s Golden Globes afterparty, not the orgy scene from Caligula.
Obviously, Katy and Orlando’s G-rated middle school dance antics could be nothing more than two drunk n’ horny famous types who accidentally brushed up against each other on the way to the bar and were like “Oooh, let’s do that again, but on purpose.” Or maybe hooking up with some random dick like Orlando was Katy checking off Step 4 in her 12-Step dickmatization recovery program. That’s probably it.
Because it was one of the hottest looks of the night, here’s more of Katy Perry looking like the first runner-up in something called a Miss Atlantic Titty pageant.
When Ricky Gervais roasted hos at the Golden Globes in 2010, he made some Mel Gibson jokes including one about how no man loves booze the way Mad Mel loves booze. Well, the hairy leather nutsack was back at the Golden Globes last night to introduce a clip from Mad Max: Fury Road and Ricky once again stuck that microwaved hot dog to the end of a stick and roasted that bitch.
Ricky Gervais introduced the charbroiled piece of rage jerky and he made a few jokes about Mel being a drunk, Jew-hating mess while doing so. When Mel came out, he pretty much called Ricky Gervais a piece of shit and let everyone know that he’s got a train wreck of a colon since he has to get a colonoscopy every 3 years. I was surprised that Mel didn’t roll out a hot tub and tell Ricky to blow him before jacuzzi. Ricky came back out and made Alan Cumming’s Arthur the Aardvark-looking ass gasp by asking Mel Gibson what in the fuck does sugar tits mean. The look that covered Mel Gibson’s barbecue sauce-basted face was priceless. It was definitely a “I’ll bury you in the rose garden” face.
You may think that by “I’ll put you to sleep in other ways,” Mel means that he’ll gladly punch the shit out of Ricky Gervais. But no, no no… Mel Gibson is TOTALLY changed and he’s no longer an angry and violent ass wart. What he meant was that he’ll put Ricky Gervais to sleep by making Ricky watch Apocalypto.
If you’ve ever needed the definition of “Nope” eyes, there you go.
When Quentin Tarantino accepted the a ward for Best Original Score, Motion Picture last night on behalf of his pal Ennio Morricone for his work on The Hateful Eight, I think we all figured there would be a 100% chance that he was going to spend his acceptance speech seconds drunk rambling about something. My guess was that he was going to accidentally glance over at Jennifer Jason Leigh and have an on-stage flashback to the harrowing day they filmed the scene where Jennifer’s character – SPOILER ALERT – gets shot in the foot (“No woman’s foot should ever be treated so awful, man“) and burst into tears.
Instead, he drunk rambled about how Ennio Morricone is his favorite composer. Not his favorite film composer, mind you – that’s (in Quentin’s words) “ghetto“. But his favorite composer of all time. Quentin Tarantino is that bratty sorority girl who rudely rolls her eyes and mumbles “that’s so ghetto” when the barista tells her they’ve run out of soymilk. You can watch his whole speech here (the “ghetto” part happens at the 0:18 mark), but in the event you don’t want to risk getting second-hand drunk, there’s this condensed version instead.
Obviously, Regina King’s face pretty much says it all (it always says it all), but then Jamie Foxx – who was clearly riding high off his Steve Harvey joke – went ahead and said said it all. It’s only one word, and yet there’s just so much shade in it. Jamie’s “ghetto…” is me whenever someone describes Kim Kardashian as “talented” or describes Brad Pitt’s waxed fruit forehead from last night as “natural.”
Here’s more of Jamie Foxx and Miss Golden Globe before the ceremony, as well as Quentin Tarantino, who is starting to morph into a real-life cereal box mascot.