The Texas T-Rex Thanked Everyone But His Bongos In His Acceptance Speech

I get that it’s probably super overwhelming to hear Katniss Everdeen call your name after opening the fancy Oscar envelope, especially if you’re always two stoned sheets to the wind like Matthew McConaughey, but there’s no excuse for forgetting to thank your loved bongos. They’ve stood by him since the very beginning, encouraging him to JKL (just keep livin’) when the haters in his life were telling him to put on a shirt and get out of the sun before his facial skin turns into a piece of KFC Extra Crispy. Those bongos made you who you are today; a perpetual stoner with a severe shirt allergy who wrapped up his Oscar speech with “Awrite Awrite Awrite”.

I’m going to give the Texas T-Rex the benefit of the doubt on this one, because I’m sure if he had an extra minute of time, he would have no doubt thanked his bongos, the Ziploc bag in his freezer of the good shit, and that claw-thing Camilla gave him for Christmas that helps him reach stuff. But he only had 3 and a half minutes, so he had to make the most of it.

And make the most of it he did! I managed to stay mostly-sober for the 3 hours leading up to Matthew McConaughey’s win for Dallas Buyers Club, but I got so high from his first “Yeahahawww, thank you” that I started begging my IKEA floor lamp to run to Taco Bell and order me 8 Doritos Locos taco stuffed with cinnamon twists. Everything about his speech took me higher: from his impromptu TED Talk on God and the amazing visual of his Ghost Dad drunkenly dancing around a pot of gumbo in his underwear, to thanking his exquisite Texas Topaz mother and getting choked up over his wife. Stay sweet, stay stoned, never change.

Here’s more of a cleaned-up Wooderson with his wife Camilla, who gets two-thumbs-up from me for walking the red carpet in a pink Snuggie. She’s following the one rule I have about fashion: it should be comfortable enough to easily accommodate a nap.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

Shady McQueen: 12 Years A Slave’s Director And Screenwriter May Be Feuding

The Dolby Theater was already an icy tundra last night from all the Botox-induced frozen faces, but temperatures dropped below zero and anuses froze when John Ridley, the screenwriter of 12 Years a Slave won, and didn’t hug or thank the director Steve McQueen. After Penelope Cruz said John Ridley’s name, he got up, kissed his date and threw 12 layers of shade at Steve McQueen when he walked on by and hugged David O. Russell instead. John Ridley had no hugs, hand shakes or head nods to give to Steve McQueen. It was like watching one bitchy 12th grade mean girl (played by John Ridley) win Homecoming Queen over her rival (played by Steve McQueen). I love all of it. It was Real Housewives of the Oscars!

During John Ridley’s speech, Steve McQueen’s name didn’t come out of his mouth once. When John sashayed off the stage, they cut to Steve McQueen doing a shady bitch fake clap in the audience. Defamer got a GIF of it and it is glorious. He looks like a bitchy walrus.

That is the eye roll of claps. Shady McQueen is trying hard to not make a sound for that bitch. Kenya Moore from The Real Housewives of Atlanta just pulled up a seat in the front row and is taking notes, because this is how shadiness is dispersed. You probably figured that Steve McQueen and John Ridley are fighting because the former wore the tux the latter was planning to wear to the Oscars, but Nikki Finke tweeted that it has to do with a writing credit.

My sources attributing John Ridley-Steve McQueen cold shoulder at Oscars tonight to dispute over screenplay credit.

— Nikki Finke (@NikkiFinke) March 3, 2014

And I’m sure that after 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, they were all backstage and as Shady McQueen and John Ridley threw each other bitch looks, Brad Pitt pulled a joint of his hair, passed it around and said, “Can’t we all just get along?”

Pics: Wenn.com

Pharrell’s Dick-Head Hat Made A Triumphant Return Last Night At The Oscars

Goddamn it, Pharrell, stop trying to make the penis hat happen, it’s not going to happen; nobody wants to voluntarily look like the throbbing head of Dudley Do-Right’s dick. Well, except maybe John Travolta. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about that hat that really speaks to me.”

The second before Pharrell Williams stepped out from behind those creepy Oscar statue ghosts, I knew there was a 100% chance he’d be wearing that goofy Vivienne Westwood hat, because that hat is his best pal and he never goes anywhere without it. They’re like a modern-day Milo and Otis. Pharrell and his hat will be the best of friends until the sad day that the hat starts to get old and loses its shape, and it’s sent to live with a nice family on a farm upstate somewhere.

But I felt sort of bad for Pharrell’s dick head hat last night during the performance of Despicable Me 2’s “Happy”. That high-fashion felt penis hat looked so out of place in what was essentially a long-lost Gap commercial. You could sort of tell the minute the first dancer in pastel khakis popped out, the hat started anxiously thinking: “Fuck, I knew I should have come dressed as a straw fedora.”

And here’s more of a sans-chapeau Pharrell and his wife, Helen Lasichanh, looking like they’re fighting over who get’s to play the Buster Bluth part of their Motherboy XXX cosplay:

(Pics: Splash)

Idina Menzel, I Mean, Adele Dazeem, Sang “Let It Go” At The Oscars And Didn’t Seem Happy About It

If you were like me, then you probably didn’t pay close attention to Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go” at the Oscars last night because you were still slow clapping at Miss John Travolta trying to quiet down those rumors that he loves a little massage therapist peen on his tongue by mispronouncing Idina Menzel’s name. What kind of self-respecting musical theater queen fucks up the name of a Broadway star? I see you, Jorn Tromolto. Some people keep saying that we all need to stop, because John Travolta has Dyslexia. I’m pretty sure they’re confusing him with the other Scientology sweetheart Tommy Girl who would never screw up Idina Menzel’s name. The halls of the Scientology Celebrity Centre were filled with the gasps of the boys in the bath house who couldn’t believe that their grand dame committed an illegal gay act by mispronouncing a Broadway diva’s name and the forest was filled with the cries of the guinea pigs whose family members were killed to make John Travolta’s wig.

Even though John put her name through the shredder, Idina went on to perform, but something seemed off. She looked nervous and jittery and it seemed like she couldn’t wait to get out of there. She acted like John Travolta every time Kelly Preston got naked during the Scientology turkey baster ceremony to conceive one of their kids.

Someone on Facebook said that the music was too fast and Idina was obviously pissed about it at the end of her performance. Hmmm, I see what’s going on here. Travolta messed up her name and then the music plays too fast. That wig-torturing, Bonne Bell foundation-wearing evil bitch tried to sabotage Adele Dazeem! John Travolta is probably a crazed Chenoweth fangirl. Figures…

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Bitch’s Wiglet Is Too Tight: The John Travolta Edition

Either the half-dead Papillon clinging to John Travolta’s head squeezed his skull too tight or he was busy thinking of massage therapist dick, because he royally messed up Idina Menzel’s name tonight. Scientology’s very own pretty, pretty princess introduced Idina Menzel’s performance of “Let It Go” (which is what Travolta needs to do to that wig) at the Oscars tonight and he couldn’t have screwed up her name more than he did. A slurring drunk with a lisp would pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name better than Travolta pronounced Idina Menzel’s name. Hell, if Travolta had to pronounce Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name, he probably would’ve cast some kind of spell on all of us and tomorrow we’d all be fingering a massage therapist’s b-hole.

ADELA DAZEEM? Xenu, please get your child a copy of Rosetta Stone: Broadway Stars Edition.

The Multiple Selfie That Broke Twitter

If only Bradley's arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014

If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.