The Grammys red carpet always looks like an intergalactic space orgy sprinkled with a bunch of random rappers who just rolled out of bed with barely enough time to grab their grill from the bedside table thrown in for good measure. Every year, it’s a mess. Plus you’ve always got legitimate superstars mixed in with a whole lot whosits and whateverhappenedtos. This year’s Grammy red carpet was no exception. I’m trying to sift through some of these looks, and honestly don’t know where to begin.
At least now I know what it would look like if Duchess Ravenwaves ran into Maiden Goldenwaves behind Castle Lovelylocks and whooped a trick for her dress (fuck you, television god, for cancelling Lady Lovely Locks before we got a gritty teen-years spin-off).
You can always count on Katy Perry to bring high-ish class style and outlet mall glamour to any event, and last night was no exception. Katy showed up to a Grammy after-party looking like a near-flawless Diamonelle™ shimmering under the fluorescent lights at an indoor swap meet. If Duchess Kate’s wedding dress set the trend in bridal gowns for 2013, then I predict 2014’s brides will be ripping weaves and busting noses at a David’s Bridal warehouse sale over Katy’s modestly exquisite throwback to the sequined butterfly halter top. Sorry, did I say brides? I meant to say the cast of the 6th season of Drag Race.
And even though I think she looks like a cheap pillow from Target, that dress still looks 1000x better than the cheesy sheet music-covered one she arrived in. That dress gets a thumbs down from everyone but that one girl you know with a treble clef tattoo on her ankle (and her vote doesn’t count because she has a treble clef tattoo on her ankle).
Here’s more of Katy and her God presents, Cyndi Lauper in a cape (take notes, everyone), the January Jones of the music world – Iggy Azalea (can someone explain why her face looks like an airbrushed t-shirt portrait?), Ashanti (something to think about: we live in a world where Ashanti’s invite to the Grammy’s is more questionable than Tamar Braxton’s), and some very fancy dresses that will make your best lounge pants retreat to the bathroom and cry in shame.
(Pics via Splash)
Disney Channel rapper Macklemore got his hands around four Grammy awards last night including Best Rap Album, Best Rap Song, Best New Artist and Best Rap Performance, and many hos screamed about the INJUSTICE of it all. Many didn’t like that Macklemore won over Kendrick Lamar and they tweeted death threats at Kermit the Frog’s long-lost rapping half-human brother. Yeah, I know Macklemore’s album sounds like an all-hip hop album from The Party (Note: Let’s kick the ballistics. That is the greatest compliment you can give to a rapper), but it’s not that serious. The Grammys are a joke, but tweeting a death threat at a trick for winning a Grammy is even more of a joke. Anybody can win a Grammy (see: Baha Men)!
But because Macklemore wants to be everybody’s best fweeend and wants everyone to know he’s the good guy of good guys, he Instagrammed the text he sent to Kendrick Lamar where he admitted that he shouldn’t have won Best Rap Album.
Macklemore went on to explain to his fans that his Grammy Award should really be in Kendrick’s hands:
“My text to Kendrick after the show. He deserved best rap album… I’m honored and completely blown away to win anything much less 4 Grammys. But in that category, he should have won IMO. And that’s taking nothing away from The Heist. Just giving GKMC it’s proper respect.. With that being said, thank you to the fans. You’re the reason we were on that stage tonight. And to play Same Love on that platform was a career highlight. The greatest honor of all. That’s what this is about. Progress and art. Thank you. #grammys”
Bitch, then invite Kendrick Lamar over for some tea and give him your Grammy then. Macklemore admitting that he thinks Kendrick’s album deserved to win is nice, but Instagramming the text he sent is some attention whore shit straight out of Pimp Mama Kris’ playbook. The whole “but the music started playing” excuse is no excuse. Jacqueline Bisset would laugh at that excuse, but I think she’s still onstage at the Golden Globes accepting her award. When the music starts playing, that’s not your cue to shut up, that’s your cue to talk louder while not giving a fuck.
Besides, it’s just a Grammy. It’s not a prestigious award like Barbizon’s Most Improved Male Model (preteen division) and yes, I’m still mad at losing that award even though I was the only boy in the class.
Not content to let Daft Punk be the only ones at the Grammy’s to work a tight PLEASE LOOK OVER HERE game, Pharrell Williams decided to show up to the Staples Centre last night looking like Run DMC fucking on a pile of Mounties at a discount Halloween superstore (he really nailed the part where the penis calls a time-out and lays sort of limply on top while it tries to catch its breath). Bravo to you, Pharrell; I would expect nothing less from a man who named his son Rocket Man.
And speaking of sad piles of meat, Arby’s saw something different when they saw Pharrell’s hat. Well, they still saw a penis, but a penis that looks like their logo:
No! He’s going to need to use that hat as a barf bucket in case he eats at Arby’s! I’m sorry, I’m being really rough on Arby’s today. I’m sure they’re a fine restaurant (referring to Arby’s as a ‘restaurant’ took courage) with one menu item and I’m sure it’s delicious and definitely doesn’t look like a bun filled with labias.
Here’s more of Dudley Do Wrong and wife Helen Lasichanh, who’s having that nightmare where you accidentally show up to an important event in your pajamas (but this time…IT’S NOT A NIGHTMARE! And cue the Twilight Zone music), as well as Daft Punk at their Daft Punkiest. Now, I’ll be honest – I can’t really tell Daft Punk apart (you bot-cist!) but I think the one on the left is the robot.
(Pics via Wenn)
When Daft Punk, Pharrell, Stevie Wonder and Nile Rodgers busted out a performance “Get Lucky” with a side of “Le Freak” and “Another Star” at the Grammys last night, the audience magically transformed into rave night at the retirement home. Who spiked the tapioca pudding with Ecstasy? I came for Pharrell’s Mountie hat on steroids, which looked like it was eating his tiny Doberman puppy head, and I stayed for the memaws and pepaws showing those young whores how to really serve up some piping hot moves. Put those replaced hips to work, bitches!
Every time the camera cut to the audience, my eyes were gifted with a new jewel. They gave us Paul McCartney awkwardly snap dancing like a sober grandpa who just dropped E and is waiting for it to kick in (aka like me at my first rave). They gave us Steven Tyler rolling out some Solid Gold moves. And Yoko Ono did this:
I don’t even know what that is, but I wanted to see more of it. It’s probably some kind of super powerful band wrecking curse and we should all expect Daft Punk to release a statement today saying that they have broken up and will never work together again. Yoko Ono’s band wrecking powers are alive and well and more powerful than ever!
And here’s Yoko, Sean Lennon and Sean’s girlfriend Charlotte Kemp Muhl looking like the members of an Amish traveling circus at the Grammys last night. I also threw in pictures of Jack Skellington’s body twin Steven Tyler wearing my First Communion suit while posing like a freshmen at Barbizon.
Between Beyoncé’s drowsy surfbort lip-synch, Macklemore’s drowsy wedding ceremony, and Madonna’s drowsy face (someone needs to start cutting her Botox with Four Loko) I assumed the televised Ambien spectacular known as The Grammy’s were going to end with thousands of blankets dropping from the ceiling of the Staples Centre and everyone taking a nap. But to the surprise of everyone still awake at home, it ended with the gif that keeps on giving: Taylor Swift pulling a Zoolander and thinking she won the Grammy for Album of the Year. When Alicia Keys (I’ll let you make your own jokes about her hair at home) announced the winner, Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, Taylor thought she heard her own album, Red, and started to freak the fuck out like she just saw Bambi shoot his own mom and then turn the gun on himself. CHILL OUT, BITCH.
For a couple years now, Taylor’s been labouring under the delusion that if America’s Pretty Pretty Princess shows up to an awards show, they’ll HAVE to back a dump truck full of statues to her seat, so the sparkly pink plastic gears in her brain needed to work extra hard to process the idea that she didn’t win. And thanks to the internet, we have it all on video to watch over and over again. To quote Bart Simpson: “If you look closely, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment her heart breaks in two.”
And Daft Punk should probably go ahead and get in contact with Harry Styles to see when the support group meets, because we’re like 3 seconds away from another brutal Taylor Swift revenge song.
Here’s more of the real-life Taffy Sinclair at the Grammy’s before it all came crumbling down in a strawberry-scented, frosted lipstick sadness pile:
(Pics via Splash)