What in Christmas tinsel hell does Beyonce have over her eyes? That shit looks like a cat toy. I know a few pussies who would go crazy over those things. It’s too bad there weren’t any cats around Beyonce, because they would’ve pounced on her ass and scratched her eyes out.

All the bitch needs is Kanye’s horizontal blinds sunglasses and she’d have a fucking complete window treatment. Once again, I think she stole this shit out of Solange’s craft project box. And in the third thumbnail below, I think Beyonce stole that shit on her head from Snow Miser’s ice castle.

Here’s Beyonce being “so edgy” and “so artsy” while filming her video for Diva in Los Angeles yesterday.

Why does Kanye West only type in CAPS on his blog? He’s not screaming at you, he’s just lazy. In one of his blog posts today, Kanye explains:

I USE ALL CAPS CAUSE I’M LAZY NOT MAD. I TYPE WITH ONE HAND AND HOLD THE PHONE WITH THE OTHER.

And his left foot is remixing music, his right foot is bottle feeding newborn kittens and his ass cheeks are knitting sweaters for homeless children. Kanye is so busy. SQUID BRAINS, please. You know what he’s doing with that other hand. I’m always using my other hand to hold my “phone.” I’ve also learned how to type and scroll with my nose, because then my other hand is free to poke at my iHole…I mean…iPod.

Kanye could still type with one hand in all lower case. Then it would feel like he was softly whispering in our eyes instead of yelling at us. Seriously, after reading a Kanye post, I have to wipe my face off, because it feels like he’s spitting all over me while screaming.

Illeana Douglas was on Chelsea Lately or some shit talking about how she carries signs with important messages on them just in case the paparazzi are having a slow day and decide to take a picture of her ass. Well, one of her signs came in handy yesterday while she was having coffee with Cheri Oteri and Janeane Garofalo. Illeana takes that shit seriously. It’s typed and fucking laminated. That shit takes time.

Although, I know a homeless dude who would not approve of her sign. This dude likes his privacy. He’s always outside of my local Duane Reade and the two times I’ve made eye contact with him, he’s said, “What are you looking at, you fag?!” Both fucking times! So whenever I’m feeling very ungay, I’ll just skip down to the Duane Reade and let that hot homeless dude remind me of my ultra gayness. I can always count on him!

Gordon Ramsay has been cheating on his wife for seven years with a professional mistress. No, the professional mistress is not Sienna Miller. The News of the World claims Gordy has been fucking around with Susan Powter look-alike Sarah Symonds, author of “Having an Affair? A Handbook for Other Women.” Sienna is seriously slapping herself in the vag lips for not writing that book first.

Gordy and Sarah started doing each other on the down low in 2001, but lately they’ve been going at it often. Just this past Thursday, they apparently met up at the Marriott in London and Sarah brought poppers! A source said, “Sarah said Gordon had specifically asked her to go to Soho and get him some poppers for their romp. He likes the buzz.”

Poppers?! It sounds like Gordy likes to get his rump roast stuffed. That shit would make so much sense. The controlling angry ones always like to be dominated and shit. I bet his peen holes puckers when she whips his sphincter and calls him a “stupid donkey.” Shit, he probably gets all his material for “Hell’s Kitchen” from her.

Gordon has been married to his wife Tana for 12 years. They have 4 kids together. He was recently named Celebrity Father of the Year and his family was named Celebrity Family of the Year. Gordon’s spokeswhore only had this comment: “There is no comment to make at all.”

I guess if you’re going to fuck illegally, you might as well do it with a professional. I just don’t know how Gordon finds the time. The bitch has four kids, a wife, a million tv shows, a bunch of restaurants and he’s getting butt rammed by Susan Powter’s long-lost twin? No wonder his mug looks like it’s been hit by an 8.0 earthquake. The bitch is spent.

Gordon probably won’t be named Celebrity Father of the Year in 2009, but he’s a fucking shoo-in for Celebrity Popperhead of the Year!

Methinks David Spade waits outside of therapist’s offices for heartbroken middle-aged celebwhores who have just finished crying botox tears over their latest break-up. He catches them when they are all emotionally raw and shit. I mean, he’s done sexy times with Heather Locklear, Pamela Anderson, Teri Snatcher, Lara Flynn Boyle and now Nicollette Sheridan!

At her 45th birthday party, David and Nicollette were spotted tonguing each other’s mouths. A witness told People, “They cuddled and kissed. They were full-on making out in a booth.”

This is my thinking: when Nicollette is at Rite-Aid buying Replens and “I Found Someone” comes on, David is there to massage her knees and help squeeze the tears out of her botoxed face. Then he tells her a fart joke, she laughs, forgets all about Michael Bolton and sucks on David’s cat dick in the bathroom. That’s how he gets their asses!

Yes, you read the word “Playboy” correctly. Not Playpig, Playdoggy or Playraggedywiglover. PLAYBOY. Kim Zolciak, the wig torturer of “The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta” tells Paper Magazine that she’s going to pose for an upcoming cover of Playboy. If Hugh Hefner signed off on this, then he really just needs to go to his room, lock the door, put the phone off the hook and stay there! This shit is a punishment to humanity! This must violate the constitution in some way.

Does Playboy even have the money for this shit?! The Photoshop budget alone is probably enough to get this country out of our economic crisis. When my eyeballs drown in their own barf after looking at Kim’s nastiness in all its glory, I’m going to sue a bitch.

This might just be another lie coming out of her noise hole, because she also claims she’s a size 2. Take a big sip of Diet Rite when you read this shit below and if you can make it through the whole thing without spitting up at least twice, then you’re a strong person than me.

Kim said, “I’m actually 30, and [the controversy] is hilarious to me. In some of the clips there was a ton of makeup on me. In some of the footage I look like I’m 50 years old. I’m 30. I’m like a size 2. People tell me I’m so much prettier in person. TV makes you look so much different. I’m working on shooting a cover of Playboy. I guess 30 ain’t that bad.”

I’m starting to think that Kim’s brains shriveled up a while ago and her wig does all the talking and thinking for her. Kim’s wig is the one who is 30-years-old and a size 2. And hopefully her wig is the one who is spreading its titties and coochie for Playboy. Let’s fucking hope!

Visit Paper to read the whole interview. You’ll learn that Kim is the one who broke up with Big Papa and he’s estranged from his wife. Kim is no longer working with Dallas Austin, but she did get a recording contract. She also said this: “My singing career was not an accurate portrayal of me singing.” That wasn’t singing, Kim. That was a hungover seal getting water tortured.