WHICH ex-couple – an actor and a model – still share some aspects of their sex life? Both are known to sleep with a famous Lower East Side topless dancer who has a reputation of never going home alone. (Page Six)

DiCaprio & Gisele? Or George Clooney & Sarah Larson (doubt it)?

WHICH TV host has such good rapport with his fetching female co-host that his wife has correctly guessed they’re having an affair? (Page Six)

Al Roker & Ann Curry? I can feel the heat between them. My other guesses are Mike & Juliet or Matt & Meredith?

Which character on an popular TV drama is going to be killed off? While the character is one of the key members of the cast, the actor or actress’ bad behavior has caused friction within the cast and has exhausted the patience of the show’s head honcho. (Blind Gossip)

Please let it be Heigl! Please! Please! Please!!!!

Which celebrity has been hiding her raging booze problem by slipping vodka into coffee cups and glasses of water? (3am Girls)

Don’t they all do that? We should all start slipping water into our vodka bottles to go against the grain. My guess is HoHan? Duh.

(Image courtesy of Oliver & FJ)

(Note: When I googled “Kim Zolciak” this picture came up and I almost fucking died. This is the best I’ve seen her look!)

Birthday: 1938 1978
Age: 30 (cough, gulp, heave)
Birth Name: Bitch Please Zolciak

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 18, 2008
Claim to Fame: Kim is “famous” for sucking Big Papa’s cock for money and then getting on a reality show to promote this! My idol.

Where is she now? Kim is no longer with Big Papa, so I have no idea how she’s getting paid. Kim says she’s posing in Playboy soon, but she probably had to pay them to get in the magazine. Maybe her wig cleans offices on the down low at night?

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Kim is the voice of this generation (sorry Kanye).

Dear Whores,

I will be taking a semi-vacation this week for Thanksgiving, so that I can go and do a bunch of hood rat stuff. Tomorrow morning, I have to get up at some really gross hour to drag my ass onto a plane and fly the entire morning. I’ll probably just post a couple of things before I leave while I’m picking the jizz crust (you know how I do it) out of my eyes. I’ll post more in the afternoon after I land.

My hopefully drunk ass will be posting sporadically (thanks, Tai) Wednesday through Sunday. I will be back to my old tricks full-time next Monday.

Kittens and dildos,
Michael K

P.S. – Below is a video of two dudes demonstrating what I’ll probably be doing during my vacation (chair and all).

Thanks to Gia for the video

Do you Twit take Twatty’s fleshy beard to be yours for at least another 15 minutes? GROSS! I’m actually kind of shocked that Heidi and Spencer managed to get married without at least 30 staged photo shoots leading up to the nauseating day. I mean, where were all the “Twit and Twat go to the caterers” or “Twit and Twat go to pre-wedding counseling with their priest” shoots? Or better yet the “Twit and Twat get their genitals cut off so they can never procreate” photo shoot, because she’s looking a little on the preg-preg-pregnant side. I can’t even type that shit! If she is carrying the spawn of Spencer, then it really is time for the world to end. That’s it, we had good run, but this madness cannot go on! Jesus, please push the button!

Anyway, everyone’s least favorite famewhore douchebags eloped on November 20th in Mexico and UsWeekly just happened to be there to document the whole thing….and give them a big bag of cash as a wedding present. If you’re feeling a little bloated this week, then just flip through this magazine and you’ll shit and barf up everything in your system at once. Bloat gone!

Visit ONTD to see the rest of the pictures and equally gross quotes. I’m feeling like I should go and lay my head on the toilet for a few fucking lifetimes.

AnnaLynne McCord makes it too easy – Hollywood Tuna

Waaaaay tooo easy – Egotastic!

Nicole Kidman was a big mistake – Lainey Gossip

Fishsticks Paltrow has naturally beautiful and luxurious hair – Just Jared

Zac Efron + Leo DiCaprio = WTF – Popsugar

What did the dolphin do to deserve this? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

A UFO hit Canada! Okay, it was really a meteor – Towleroad

Salma Hayek’s chichis are my heroes – IDLYITW

A-Rod is a Kabbalah School dropout – Hollywood Rag

High for the holidays – Cityrag

Suri Cruise, the hardest working girl in showbusiness, was on the streets of Manhattan during her morning shift today. If Tommy Girl and Katie bring Suri out on Thanksgiving, they better give her holiday pay. Those custom made PradaGucciArmaniVersaceBurberryWhoever dresses don’t come cheap!

Speaking of those dresses, Tommy Girl told Entertainment Tonight that Suri refuses to wear pants and only wants to wear dresses. He said that Suri is a “girlie girl” and “she won’t wear pants. Kate finally got her in jeans the other day. We put the pants on and walk away and the pants are off and the dress is on.” Like Tommy Girl, like daughter! That’s why Katie always looks like drained caca in the face, because if she’s not fighting Suri about wearing another dress, she’s fighting Tommy about the same thing.

Here’s Suri and that woman in NYC today. Yes, Katie looks like shit again. I should just customize my keyboard with a button that will automatically type “Katie looks like shit again” whenever I hit it. That would save a lot of time.