The Photoshop Awards: Tommy Girl On Details

/ November 25, 2008

Tommy Girl hasn’t look like this since fucking “Cocktail.” You can Photoshop the beat out of his face, but you can still see Xenu in his eyes. And you know they had to mop up the floor after this photo shoot, because Tommy’s no-no was slobbering like Hooch while striking this pose. Johnny Travolta makes Tommy hold this exact position while he peen slaps his nalgas.

And I think Details missed a word in the issue’s title. It should be “The Power Bottom Issue.” I mean, Tommy is on the cover….

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This Is Getting Out Of Hand

/ November 25, 2008

First we had Shane Mercado, then Cubby, then the Big Girls and now we have this bitch doing Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Cock Ring On It)” in the fucking snow! This eskihomo is shaking his ice nuts to Beyonce in goddamn Alaska! When I go out in the snow, I have to wear two coats and a fake fur wine bag over my genitals! And homegirl here is in a leotard and not much else. He doesn’t even have his dignity to keep him warm! His manpussy lips must be frozen solid.

This song is bringing the gay dudes out of the woods, literally! If you think a dude might be gay, just play this song and if he starts to do the glitter bounce, then you have your answer!

VIA Mollygood

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Yanni Is Looking Mighty Fine

/ November 25, 2008

Adrien Brody still looks like Yanni after a sexy orgy with The Lov-ahs from “SNL,” but I don’t mind it. I just want him to pour me into a hot tub, feed me a variety of spiced meats and stroke my hair with a porcelain brush. Afterwards, he will smoke a cigar while telling his pet Afghan Hound: “Michael K and I made love so powerful, methinks I heard the god Zeus chuckling from on high!

Seriously, I bet his unkept nut bush smells like Patchouli, rose water and Chinese incense smoke. That said, I’d breathe it in for hours.

Here’s Adrien, that trick he’s always with, Etta James and Beyonce at the “Cadillac Records” premiere in Los Angeles last night. Look how fucking hot Etta James is. I can’t believe they had Beyonce play her ass. Etta needed someone of equal hotness to play her. I’m thinking Hottie from “Flavor of Love” or Alexyss K. Tylor.

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The Name Is Still Fug

/ November 25, 2008

Asshole and Pete’s Emo baby’s name is still Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I was half expecting them to say it was all a joke and his real name is Morrissey Smith after their two idols. True story: my chola cousin wanted to get knocked up when she was 15 just so she could name her baby Morrissey Smith. Thankfully, that ho turned lezzie a year later and didn’t have a baby.

Pete talked to Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning and explained why they ruined a poor child’s life by naming him Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

The vagina said: “I feel weird—people have all these ideas of what it means now. I think it’s kind of cool to leave the narrative the way it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever…I don’t think anybody knows the real story of why or how. We came up with the idea Bronx, we’d been throwing it back and forth a while ago. The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s really cool.”

Not a good enough reason. I had a boyfriend once and we only bonded over Arby’s and ecstasy. Seriously, we only liked each other when we were on ecstasy or eating at Arby’s. The other times we hated each other.

We both were in awe of Arby’s horsey sauce. We would order extra servings of it and pour it on everything, even spaghetti. Anyway, does that mean we would have named our kid Ecstasy Horsey Sauce? Actually, that’s still a better name than Bronx Mowgli!

VIA E! Online

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I Leave You With Nicole

/ November 25, 2008

While some baby is kicking the back of my chair during my flight today (that always happens to me), Nicole Kidman and her indestructible forehead will guard the gates of Dlisted. Nobody can get through this bitch. You can fire a cannon at her forehead and that shit will bounce back right at you. Tommy Girl can shoot Travolta jizz nuggets out of his Scientolohole and he will fail. Don’t even try to break through her forehead.

Just make sure to feed her some mashed up prunes every 30-minutes or so.

Below is Memaw Nicky, her possum-haired husband, Hugh Jackman, his granny and Lauren Bacall at the NYC premiere of “Australia” last night. One really fucking hot film reviewer had this to say about Nicky’s performance in that shit: “She can’t act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I’m-looking-interesting blue eyes. ” Yup, that sounds about right.

I’ll post more shit when I land! Don’t forget to wipe!

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Because We Need To Know About These Things

/ November 25, 2008

Katie Price has already told us more than we want to know about Peter Andre’s peen. I could probably draw that shit accurately with all the details she’s given us. She’s told us how wide and how long it is. Now she’s telling us the color. If you happen to be eating a nuked up sausage link, you might want to skip this part.

Kate tells Now! Magazine (via The Sun), “When I go on holiday you’ll never see a bikini shot of me, because I sunbathe naked. I haven’t got any lines at all! That’s why I go to very private places. Peter does too. He’s got a brown willy!”

They really do belong together. His brown willy compliments the shit logs that are always pouring out of her mouth. And I doubt Peter’s peen is brown. You know he totally spray tans that shit. It’s bright orange like a radioactive carrot (don’t even think of Carrot top….DON’T). It was brown when Katie happened to see it, because Peter hadn’t showered yet after “hanging out” with the boys.

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