If you are a chicken or a chicken lover (but not in that way), you better skip this shit. That means you Chicken Cutlets! Shut your eyes.

At first glance I thought this was a picture of Ian McKellen with his new chicken twink. It’s not. It’s the 71-year-old star of the fourth season of Germany’s Farmer Wants a Wife. On the season finale, pepaw farmer Hansi chose 66-year-old Marianne as his final chick. Usually when two people decide they want to be together, they celebrate it with a little sexy times. That’s what Hansi did, but instead of getting nasty with Marianne, he tried to pleasure a chicken! 8 million viewers watched as Hansi finger plucked a chicken while telling Marianne, “This is how they get an orgasm.”

That nasty ass chicken plucker! CLUCK NO.

Marianne did not appreciate the chicken getting more action than her, so she packed up her shit and quit that bitch. Before she left, she told the cameras, “You always hear jokes about what lonely farmers do to their animals… I am disgusted. This is not my world.”

Hansi, a nudist who walks around his farm naked, doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it. He said, “Hansi is always happy when the chickens are happy.”

Peta already sent off their complaint about Hansi’s sexual abuse of chickens.

I’ve heard of q-tipping a cat in heat, but chicken orgasms?! Is that where McDonald’s Sweet & Sour sauce comes from?

Hansi has been around chickens for way too long. When you are start to get impure thoughts while watching chickens peck at their food and wiggle their feathers, it’s time to check into the nearest loony bin before shit like this happens. Just cockadoodledon’t!

Visit Bild to see pictures of the grossness.

Gay Al’s sexy ladies of 2008! This shit will make your no-no pucker. I give it two snaps, a twist and a kiss! – Best Week Ever

I might start watching Brothers & Sisters if Amanda Woodward joins the cast – I’m Not Obsessed

Sloppy Seconds is on fire – Celebslam

Robbie Williams is ready for a Take That reunion – Holy Moly!

Beyonce’s massive egozilla must be stopped! – Socialite’s Life

Samuel L. Jackson hasn’t had a drink for 17 years! – Celebitchy

2008 is the year of the stache – Urlesque

RiRi’s happy face nail came straight out of Basement Baby’s “Ways To Be Different” manual – ICYDK

Pete Wentz wrote on his blog yesterday that BMw Baby is “cute” and “looks like his mommy.” Um. Which version of his mommy? There’s been a few. The bitch has been through more redesigns than the fucking Nissan Sentra. And I guess by “looks like his mommy,” he means the baby is one gigantic chin with little arms and legs and a severe acid reflux problem. My suspicious have been confirmed!

Pete also responded to the rumors that nobody wants to buy pictures of their baby.

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered
mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him.

We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now. We understand that like other celebrities have said, “there is a bounty on our heads” for these pictures. There is a danger when there are cameras being held over walls and into our backyard. We are followed day and night and that was fine when it was us but we are going to do our best to shelter Bronx from that as much as possible. Its scary to be followed by 10 cars to your home. We understand the curiosity, just not the viciousness that comes along with it when it becomes so insatiable. We know there will be a time when we’ll share him with everyone because that insatiable curiousity becomes unsafe or simply because we’re proud parents who want to show him off! We know our fans support and care about us and want to know about our family and we’ve always been straight up and open with those who care about us most, so at some time, when it makes sense, Bronx will be out in the world.

They have an OK! Magazine in Guam? Pete and Ashlee really are better than Brangelina by keeping their baby to themselves and not selling out for quick cash. That would be really honorable if it was true. Chinocchio needs to stop his lie-telling before his chin gets so big that he’ll have to start claiming it on his taxes. There’s no way Papa Joe would ever turn down mounds of cash. He wouldn’t even turn down a Mounds candy bar for the pics!!!

Real talk: they weren’t offered shit, so they decided to wait until after Bronx Mowgli’s plastic surgery makeover before they try to hit up the magazines again.

The premiere of Marley & Me in Los Angeles last night belonged to the real star of the movie, Clive the dog. Clive is the main bitch who played Marley opposite that naked lady and the dude who looks like he got into a fight with a frying pan and lost. Speaking of the naked lady, methinks Jennifer Aniston used Clive as inspiration for her “give doggy a bone” pose on GQ. And yes, that’s Jennifer in the black dress below. I know, you can hardly recognize her with clothes on!

Speaking of, Jenny’s naked ass was what everyone was asking about during last night’s premiere. Jenny said, “I wasn’t trying to make any statement.” Cut to Clive yawning and then licking his no-nuts area. Of course, she was trying to make a statement. The statement being: LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

When UsWeekly asked Jenny’s lump of moldy caca boyfriend, John Mayer, about the pictures, he pulled out his portable stage, threw on a top hat, grabbed his cane, did a little tap dance number and then said, “If I have a problem with that cover, I should just pack up the Toyota and head out of town. I’m just gonna get ready to put my knuckles in the air for it. No, don’t make me hold it – you’re pimping me out! Because when I touch it, angels die.”

He should get out of town anyway and immediately head to the nearest Chinese restaurant to serve soggy dumplings. I mean, he already has the outfit for it.

Here’s a few more others who came out to celebrate Clive’s big night including Courtney Cox who looks like she’s been spending a lot of time with Demi Moore’s private plastic surgeon.

I’ve been going through major withdrawals ever since Bravo’s Flipping Out finished airing their second season. My week is not complete without Jeff’s flesh worm lips quivering in anger because of some dumb bitch’s incompetence. Or Zoila! Oh how I miss Zoila. Unfortunately, this story doesn’t really mention Zoila, but I can picture her shaking her head while saying, “Oh…Mr. Jeff….”

Mr. Jeff’s bitchy ass attitude has gotten him in trouble again! Jeff renovated a house in the Los Feliz section of Los Angeles and he sort of, kind of built a deck into the backyard of Ashley Jensen and her husband. Ashley was that hot bitch in Extras. She’s also in Ugly Betty. When Ashley found out about the deck, Jeff offered her $10,000 to buy the space from her backyard they used. Ashley said a real estate expert claims the space is worth $100,000. And that’s when shit went down Jeff Lewis-style!

According to the L.A. Times, Mr. Jeff showed up to Ashley and her husband’s house late one night and offered them $30,000. He said that if they didn’t take the settlement, he would make them look like royal dicks on his reality show. Ashley turned down his offer and instead filed a lawsuit against him and his partner, Ryan Brown, yesterday.

Ashley and her husband demand that Jeff removes the deck from their property. The lawsuit also states that Jeff’s show “involves documenting the rude, outrageous, boorish, offensive, mean-spirited bullying by Jeff Lewis of anyone or anything in his way.” Duh. That’s why I’m addicted.

Jeff told TMZ that Ashley and her husband are only using his fame “to increase their media exposure and their alleged damages. I have never threatened either of them with physical harm, nor was I abusive or verbally threatening to either of them.” He didn’t threaten or verbally abuse them? Is this the same Jeff Lewis we’re talking about? Did he go to anger management or some shit?

And does this mean that there’s going to be a third season of Flipping Out?! I hope that the case of “Jeff Lewis vs. Maggie from Extras” is the grand opener for the next season. Don’t move the deck, Jeff! Keep this shit going. Just make sure Zoila and the cameras are there every crazy step of the way.