Hot Slut Of The Day!
Alexandra Burke – The winner of X-Factor over there in the UK! We don’t get X-Factor here (duh), so I have to catch the performances and shit on YouTube every week, but Alexandra was always my favorite. Maybe because she looks a little like Basement Baby sans the moth balls and basement dust. Speaking of Basement Baby, here’s Alexandra singing “Listen” with Beyonce on the X-Factor finale on Saturday night. Beyonce is about as subtle as a 10-gallon cum shot. I thought she was going to eat that damn microphone.
Birthday Sluts
Helen Slater (45)
Brendan Fletcher (27)
Adam Brody (29)
Surya Bonaly (35)
Stuart Townsend (36)
Julie Taymor (56)
Don Johnson (59)
Tim Conway (75)
BABIES! BABIES! BABIES!
It feels like every time I blink, a human baby enters the world to eat my food, drink my water and breathe my oxygen. I was curious about this and so I Googled it, dumb fuck. Apparently, a baby is born every half second. That means like 100 babies popped out of vaginas while I was writing those three sentences. I shouldn’t have researched that shit, because now I’m hyperventilating at the thought of gazillions of BABIES crawling the streets, looting the grocery stores for mushed-up carrots and attacking chichis for titty milk. This is the future.
Anyway, Naomi Watts has given birth to the newest member of the child army. Her spokesbitch told E! News that Naomi shot out a baby boy yesterday. This is her second son with Liev Schreiber. Their first kid, Alexander Pete, is a little over a year old.
We don’t know the name of their newest kid, but I’m assuming it will be something pretty normal since Liev and Naomi don’t strike me as attention whores who will give their kid an effed up name so they can be “oh-so-different” and shit. I know, what kind of celebrities are they?!
Personally, I think the should name him Jet Girl in honor of Naomi Watts’ role in her greatest movie of all time: Tank Girl.
Dubya Dodges A Size 10 Shoe!
George Bush gave a surprise news conference in Iraq today and was greeted by the size 10 shoes of an Iraqi reporter. It’s really important to know that the shoes were a size 10!
Bush dodged that shit before security came out and took the shoe thrower down. Bloomberg says that in Arab culture, throwing shoes is a sign of disrespect. Before being taken away, the shoe thrower shouted, “This is a farewell kiss, dog.”
After the shoe almost hit the Bush, the president told reporters, “I’m OK. “It doesn’t bother me. So what if he threw a shoe at me. All I can report is it is a size 10.”
I’m surprised Dubya didn’t catch the shoe and throw it back thinking the dude was playing a game of Hot Potato with him. You know Dubya loves a good game of Hot Potato!
Hef’s Teen Sons Talk About Monkeys
Hugh Hefner’s sons Marston, 18, and Cooper, 17, gave an interview to Playboy about everything from having multiple girlfriends to taking over the family business to monkeys. Marston and Cooper’s mother is former Playboy Playmate Kimberly Conrad. They live with their mommy in a house on the grounds of the Playboy estate.
Before we get into that shit, why do they look like the broken condom babies of Hef and Shaggy from Scooby Doo? They are like sooooo long. I wonder if they are long down….forget it. Chris Hansen won’t get me! And my abuelita is probably fucking pissed because Marston is wearing her favorite Christmas party outfit. That’s seriously a memaw party ensemble.
Anyway, here are there thoughts on a bunch of shit. You can just skip on down to the part about monkeys if your eyes don’t feel like glazing over all this crap. The monkey bit sums it all up for me:
On dating multiple hos at the same time:
Marston: “I’m not going to have multiple girlfriends — not at the same time.”
Cooper: “I can imagine doing that. I don’t think it’s an odd thing to do. You date around to try to find a connection with some girl.”On running the family business:
Cooper: “If I were to take over the company or have a say in what’s going on, I’d want the girls to be presented more as they were in the pictorials back in the 1950s and 1960s -— kind of artsy, classy. I would like to bring back that retro-class feel.”
On growing up in the Playboy mansion:
Cooper: “They don’t get it when you say, ‘There’s nothing to do there.’But when you live here and come here every single day, you see the same things. Anybody else would be like, ‘Let’s go see monkeys!’ But I don’t want to see monkeys. I’d rather go bowling than play with monkeys.”
Um. I’d rather go bowling WITH my pet monkey. Okay, I don’t know that that means exactly, but it sounds kind of sexy. And I’m sure Cooper isn’t really talking about real monkeys or bowling. He’s talking about some dirty sex shit.
And it’s a good thing Hef’s spermies have retired, because if he had another son, he’d name it Mr. Belvedere or some shit. With Marston and Cooper, he’s already proven that he likes to give his kids butler names.
It Was Not Kanye’s Fault!
Who is Kanye West going to blame for his truly ass-cheek-clenching performance on SNL last night? This shit was first degree murder on my ear drums.
His microphone probably forged a fake passport last night after this shit, so it could flee the country this morning, because it knows Kanye is coming after it. After Kanye tracks down his mic and screams at it for a good twelve hours straight, he’s going to file a multi-zillion dollar lawsuit against the Auto-Tune bitches for trying to take him down. And finally, Kanye’s going to order his vocal cords into the corner for a time out, because they quit his ass several times during this song. His vocal cords could use a fucking time out, so this isn’t a bad idea.
The voice of this generation kind of sounds like me with four hangovers and a sore throat (too much peen blowing) singing in the bath tub while trying hard to make a pee fountain.
That being said, I love Kanye’s choice of screensaver for a backdrop! Above is Kanye performing Love Lockdown and below is him doing Heartless. I thoroughly enjoyed the Pinocchio shit!