Stephanie Tanner and her estranged husband of like 5-minutes, Cody Herpin, were in an Orange County, CA court room this morning for an emergency custody hearing. During the hearing, the judge ordered that Jodie Sweetin can’t be with her 8-month-old daughter Zoie without one of her parents present. This is beyond “how rude!”

Herpes told the judge that his former meth head wife is a shitty mom who shouldn’t be alone with their daughter. Herpes said Jodie once drove drunk with their baby in the car. Some doctor-type confirmed that Jodie was back on the booze for a quick minute, but said that she’s been talking to her sponsor and going to AA meetings.

Herpes’ lawyer told People that they know she’s boozing, “but there’s also concern regarding methamphetamines.”

TMZ says that both Herpes and Sweetin have to get drug tested before the next hearing.

Uncle Jesse, come get this bitch and sort her out by playing your acoustic guitar and sharing your words of wisdom with her ! Better yet, Stephanie Tanner should move in with Kimmy Gibbler. They never liked each other’s asses, but now is the time for them to bond. Kimmy can help this mess get off the meth and the booze! Kimmy can do anything. Kimmy should also open a halfway house for meth heads. Reality TV cameras have to be involved, of course. They can call it Full Halfway House!

Halle Berry’s chichi makes a cameo to help her get that second Oscar! – Egotastic!

Tara Reid probably having an “Ah’s Goin’ To Rehab” party (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

A Jennifer Aniston interview where she doesn’t talk about you know who – Popsugar

Zac Efron watching a bunch of sweaty dudes play with balls – Just Jared

Nicole Kidman’s blow job offended some Australians – IDLYITW

RiRi’s “out of nowhere” boobies are back – Hollywood Tuna

I want my own chocolate Grace Jones – Towleroad

5 out of the 10 Favorite Couples of 2008 are my least favorite – Hollywood Rag

Christmas tree hell – Cityrag

Will Smith’s beard didn’t go to his big premiere – Lainey Gossip

This is the hottest outfit I’ve seen all week. All of us need to start dressing like this again. You go first… My bandeau top is in the wash.

Kelly Kapowski is going to have a baaaaaaaaby! That’s what Star Magazine claims anyway. 34-year-old Kelly (real name: Tiffani Thiessen) has been trying to get a fetus growing with her husband of 3 years and now it’s happened.

Some source said, “She and her husband are over the moon at the thought of becoming parents. Tiffani wanted a baby so badly. She had been seen going to a fertility center for treatments in Los Angeles to help her conceive.”

Where’s Mr. Belding to give a congratulations toast to Kelly? Well, he’s probably singing karaoke all horny-like with Brooke Hogan at Dimples. Yeah, this video has been making the rounds again, so here you go:

Tommy went on Letterman last night in his last desperate attempt to get people to actually pay money to see that movie about Nazis and poodle hair. Tommy and his alien slaves probably decided it would be a good idea to make fun of himself with Letterman’s top 10 list of the “Craziest Things” people say about him on the interwebs. This list was obviously written by a group of thetans, because these are the least craziest things I’ve read about Tommy on the internets. Here’s the sanitized Top 10:

The top 10:
10. I sleep upside-down suspended in a special bat – like harness.
9. During the filming of Days of Thunder, on a dare, I ate a tire.
8. I still wear those underpants from Risky Business.
7. My real name is Tom Blagojevich.
6. I once Heimliched a koala.
5. Once a month, I take the Universal tour naked.
4. I believe all emotional and psychological disorders can be cured with Vicks Vapo Rub.
3. I’m a power mad ego maniac who’s completely insulated from reality – oh wait, that’s Letterman.
2. After jumping on her couch, Oprah hammer-locked me until I coughed blood.
1. I keep a cell phone in my pants so I can tell friends to call my Disney.

Isn’t this totally the G-rated Disney princess version? If they want the most fucked up things written about his crazy ass, then they should feast their eyes on the future reader comments for this post. There’s your fucking Top 100 list! I can guarantee you.

And if Tommy’s trying to not look like a complete fruit cake with lunatic icing on top, then he should probably not wear THAT in public.

Below is Crazy Brains outside of Regis & Kelly this morning.

The hooker with a heart of lube, Aubrey O’Day, has answered to the rumors that she’s turned gayelle by saying she will eff basically anything that moves. Wait. Don’t include Ginger the dog in that list. She’s a classy lady who doesn’t partake in that kind of fuckery.

Aubrey has been spotted hanging out with some snatch she’s been introducing as her girlfriend. Aubrey seemed to think bitches cared about this, because she told UsWeekly, “At this point in my life, I wouldn’t say one way or another what my preference is sexually. The only thing I’m looking for in life is incredible passion and honest love…no matter what options are on the table. All I really operate on is the way I feel in my heart when it comes to love.”

The tape recorder must have been fucking up while she was talking, because some of these words just don’t make sense coming from Aubrey. Instead of “passion” she meant “puss seizures.” Instead of “honest love” she meant “sloppy facials.” And the last sentence should have been, “All I really operate on is the way I feel in my vagina when it comes to mouth sex.”

My personal list on how to capture Anderson Cooper’s heart has gotten longer. I already have to befriend Lisa Ling, become one with the sharks and now I have to find a way to turn French. You see, Page Six published this today:

Sightings… ANDERSON Cooper in black jeans and black leather jacket shopping for cashmere sweaters at Barneys Co-op with a young Frenchman.

How the fuck am I going to turn French? Eat more French toast and French fries? Dab a little spray cheese under my peen head? Sorry! The last French dude I got sexy with had a bad case of cheese dick. The kind of cheese dick that could put Kraft out of business. Or maybe he was Belgian? Or Canadian? Or from Minnesota? I don’t know. We didn’t exactly have a meaningful conversation about his birth country.

Wait. Mah Boo seems to love cashmere too. Maybe if I replace my skin with cashmere, he’ll finally love me. He must love me! Ugh. I need to go take my meds now and cuddle with my silver plushie cat (I couldn’t find a fox).