The other day, I walked into my mom’s kitchen and found her taking $10 from my wallet that was lying on the table without my permission. This is what happened to Dane Cook, but instead of $10, his family member tried to take millions from him. It’s disturbing to know that Dane Cook has made millions of dollars from whatever it is he does. He should be paid in well drinks, food stamps and handjobs from day-shift hookers. Not actual money.

The NYDN says Dane Cook’s brother, Darryl McCauley, was arrested yesterday in Wilmington, Mass. for allegedly trying to steal millions upon millions from his ass. Darryl has worked as Dane’s business manager since the 90s.

The authorities say Dane has been working with them to get Darryl. Darryl has been transferring cash from his douchetard brother’s account to his own. Darryl even forged a check for $3 million and deposited it into his own account.

What caca-brained asshole thinks that no on would find out that he faked a $3 million check?! Scratch that question. I just answered it by looking above and seeing the words “Dane Cook’s brother.” I bet dumb fuck Darryl wrote in the memo: “Shhh! Don’t tell Dane.”

Darryl is even more stupid than the dumb whores who bought Domino’s pizzas with forged checks and then put on Pizza Hut t-shirts to resell the pizzas by the slice at a park. They even forgot to take the pizzas out of the Domino’s boxes. This is why freebasing while pregnant is not a good thing.

Time Warner Cable has beat me down and cut me up so many times before, but like a dumb bitch I never quit them and now it’s going to eff me in the ass. I start going into minor convulsions when my cable goes out, so I’m afraid for my own safety come tomorrow. That’s because 19 channels will go dark starting at 12:01am on January 1st for Time Warner Cable and Bright House customers.

It all has to do with Time Warner Cable and Viacom acting like two stupid ass skanks! Those evil bitches are fighting over money, of course. Time Warner says Viacom wants to charge more for use of their whores including: MTV, MTV 2, MTV Hits, MTV James, MTV Tr3s, Comedy Central, CMT, Pure Country, Logo, Palladia, Nickelodeon, Noggin, Nick 2, Nicktoons, Spike, The N, TV Land, Vh1, Vh1 Classic and Vh1 Soul. Time Warner Cable doesn’t want to pay, because they will have to charge their subscribers more if they agree to it.

No Colbert! No Double Shot At Hep! No Three’s Company reruns! No MTV True Life! No Charm School reunion show! None of that! I might as well move to Tibet to become a monk, because I’m fucked. TV and booze are the only two friends I can count on in this world to keep me from flushing myself down the toilet. How will I go on without 19 less channels to choose from? Hmmm. Maybe I can make my dog wear a tin foil hat, run a cord from his ass to my TV and have him stand outside on the window ledge. I would probably get better service too compared to Time Worthless Cable! Don’t worry, I’ll pay him with freshly baked cat cookies and air kisses. I’d give him real kisses, but I’m afraid of heights.

Viacom created a little PSA above asking whores to complain to Time Warner, because if they don’t come up with a solution soon, cable TV will die tomorrow.

But why should we have to call and complain? These idiots need to settle it themselves! Shoot each other! Shank each other! Fist each other! Cage wrestle each other! I don’t give a fuck as long as I have my Vh1 tomorrow morning.

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Matt Dillon didn’t want Charles Barkley and Doug Wilson (see below) to have all the fun, so he got himself arrested too! Matt decided to switch things up and not get busted for DUI. He got nailed for speeding instead.

44-year-old Matty was stopped by police last night for driving 106 mph on I-91 in Newbury, Vermont where the speed limit is 65. If dumb fuck Matt was going 80 or 90, the police dude probably just would have given him a ticket and allowed him to go on his way. But since Matt decided to play Days of Thunder, he was handcuffed and charged with driving like a lunatic (aka as Pulling A Hogan). They let him go a little while later.

106? Did he have diarrhea coming out of his ass? What was he in such a rush to get to in Vermont? Maybe he couldn’t wait to visit the Ben & Jerry’s factory? If so, then I forgive him, because that place is delicious.

Well, at least Matt reminded the world he was still alive by getting arrested. I think I forgot he existed. And he does give good mug shot. A little wink and a pout would have been sexier, but this would works too.

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Charles Barkley and Doug from Trading Spaces did it all wrong. You’re supposed to get arrested for DUI after midnight tonight and not earlier! Way to celebrate New Year’s a little too soon. Idiots!

So, these two pair of shit brains were both busted for driving while having booze in the blood. Charles was caught early this morning in Arizona. TMZ says he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while going through a DUI checkpoint. The po po tested his blood at the checkpoint, busted his ass and then transported him to the jail house. He was released a little while later and nobody came to pick him up, because he took a taxi home. He probably went to the nearest bar…. Well, if you got arrested, wouldn’t you need a drink afterwards? I would think so.

Then there’s Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces. He was always my least favorite designer. The prick. Let’s face it, his art is fugly. Hildy wouldn’t pull this shit! Doug was popped early yesterday morning in Decatur, Illinois after he didn’t slow down to a police car with its siren on. The cop pulled him over and killed the party. Doug must have also brought the party with him, because in addition to being arrested for aggravated DUI, he was also busted for illegal transportation of alcohol and driving on a suspended license. He was later released on $1,000 bond.

I’m a little surprised that Doug was busted for driving drunk and not sucking dick drunk in a public place. I bet Doug and Vern always licked each other’s ass lips in the Trading Spaces wood shop van while Ty jacked to them.

You know, since I’ve been in California these past few days, I realized the main reason I live in NYC: CABS! CABS! CABS! You cannot booze to your heart’s content here unless you rely on some other bitch driving you home. It’s sad when you have to deny the alcohol at bars, because you know you don’t want to be driving drunk. Saying no to the booze really hurts me where it counts. In NYC, you just have to worry about telling the cabbies where you live while you’re wasted. That’s why you should always carry your address around with you to give to cab drivers. Oh and you also have to worry about barfing in the back of their car. I’ve done that a couple of times and for some strange reason, they don’t like it. Go figure.

Anydrunks, Happy New Year to Charles and Doug! Hopefully, they will spend their night getting tanked in the privacy of their own bathroom. And all of you should stay away from DUI checkpoints tonight. I hate those things! I get scared passing through them when I’m sober! I see a DUI checkpoint and I suddenly feel drunk and guilty even when I’m not. It’s like church all over again. It sucks.

The family that stitches up vaginas together, stays together. – jangler

Runners-up:

Somebody use a plunger on the middle one’s no-no hole so we can get her eyes back together. – jazzfish_77

Since Uncle Bruce is in the hosptial with a perforated colon, we wanted to cheer him up by cleaning his apartment. – P.T. Bull

The Real Housewives of Appalachia – Migraine Sally

Thanks Lauren

Andre “It’s Not Really” Champagne! – Happy New Whore, everyone! Since we’re in a fucking depression, a bottle of the elegant Andre will only set you back like $5. Yes, you will probably wake up to your head laying in a puddle of vomit on the other side of the room, but at least you’ll get to drink bubbly like you’re Alexis Carrington. And some bottles of Andre even have a fucking resealable cap, so you can save some to mix with Sunny-D for morning mimosas. Seriously, this shit trash and most likely made from household cleaning products, but I’ll be drinking it tonight.

For Melanie