Charles Barkley Just Wanted His Dick Sucked!

/ December 31, 2008

I never in my life thought I would want to party and do hood rat stuff with Charles Barkley, but now that’s all I want to do after reading this shit. So, Charles was busted for DUI in Arizona early this morning. According to the police report, when the cop pulled him over for running a stop sign, Charles said he was just in a rush to get his dick sucked! If I was the officer, I’d let the bitch go on his way. I’m all about hos sucking dick and getting their dicked sucked.

TMZ says the officer wrote in his report, “He told me that he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw get in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was ‘hot.’ He asked me, ‘You want the truth?’ When I told him I did he said, ‘I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job. He then explained that she had given him a ‘blow job’ one week earlier and said it was the best one he had ever had in his life.”

This explains Charles’ sweaty mug shot above. He was suffering from a bad case of blue balls. Now, if Charles’ ho was so skilled at sucking dick, she should be a master at road head. There’s no need to pull over! Any expert peen sucker knows just how to handle it without your head touching the steering wheel. A real pro can even shift gears while making out with the wang.

Charles’ comedy act didn’t stop there. At the police station, drunk ass Charles told one of the employees that if they got him out of the DUI, he’d tattoo HIS name on THEIR ass. Charles then laughed it off and corrected himself by saying he’d tattoo THEIR name on HIS ass. He’s a comedic genius. I think I’m going to tattoo Charles’ entire police report on my ass.

Because I’m a serious journalist, I did a little research on Charles and found that he’s still married with one kid. He’s also considering running for the Governor of Alabama in 2010. Let’s see: Charles is a gambling addict, was arrested for drunk driving, and will run a stop sign in order to get a little good head from some random trick. No need for election. It sounds like he has all the qualifications needed to become Alabama’s next Governor!

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This Is Totally Gay Al’s Two-Piece

/ December 31, 2008

Gay Al is going to burst a cum bubble when he sees these pictures of Star stretching out yet another one of his favorite freakum suits in St. Barts earlier this month. You can even tell by the look on Star’s face that she knows Gay Al’s manpussy is going to pucker like crazy over this shit. Star’s not even wearing it right! She’s wearing the top backwards. Gay Al loves the way that top accentuates his sumptuous décolletage.

You know, I don’t mind Star’s fat band scars. They kind of look like meth pipe burns and I like that feature on a woman. Methinks 2009 is going to be about looking like a day shift truck stop hooker, so meth pipe burns are a must to complete the look. Star is already ahead of the game.

However, I really didn’t need to get intimate with Star’s world class fupa. There’s enough fupa there to keep a large village warm at night. Warm and musty. No wonder Gay Al screamed “Oh my heavens!” every time Star tried to seduce him by wearing a sexy panty set from Torrid.

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HoHan’s Brother Is Kind Of Hot

/ December 31, 2008

HoHan’s brother is not the dude with the bottle cap in his ear, he’s the other one. I’m a little grossed out that I think a Lohan is hot. And his name is Michael Lohan Jr. which is even worse. That means he has the crazy-in-the-brains gene. He also has the gene that makes it okay for you to wear your cell phone on your waistband. And even has a small case of “durr” face.

What the hell is wrong with me? My genitals need rehab and a stern talking to. But he is kind of hot, right? And he’s not checking HoHan out in that picture above, he probably spotted a coke dingle hanging out of her ass area.

Here’s HoHan looking like a dried out chicken bone in Miami. Her bikini body is courtesy of a strict diet of coke and cooch. I don’t think that the little boy in the last few thumbnails below was told by his parents to never kiss a Lohan. Free clinic here he comes!

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Yes, Diddy, That Really Is Joaquin Phoenix

/ December 31, 2008

No, Diddy, he hasn’t been moisturizing the sexy. Joaquin hasn’t even been bathing the sexy. Obviously.

Joaquin Phoenix said “Bye! Good” to Hollywood and hello to ass bush bugs, seven layer cheese dick and fly nests in his ears. This is what fucking happens when you snort too much bunk coke and drink too many random cocktails left on the bar. I just want to give him a can of RAID and some Hazmat-approved antibacterial soap, because you know there’s baby roaches living in that beard.

That being said, I’d hit it with a clothespin on my nose. Well, his sparkly hair clip is fancy!

Here’s Joaquin, Casey Affleck, Brett Ratner and Diddy at a douche convention in Miami two nights ago. I bet you Joaquin only talks in his own language, because he thinks the government can hear all his conversations.

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ December 31, 2008

Sandra Lee’s gross ass Kwanzaa cake will kill you – Buzzfeed

Axl Rose used to hit this – Egotastic!

Rita Crosby is right! There’s nothing wrong with some hot gay action – Towleroad

A blowfish in a bikini – Hollywood Tuna

Why must the paparazzi make MiserAlba even more miserable? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

A Motley Crew: George Clooney, Cindy Crawford & Kid RockPopsugar

If St. Angie stopped having babies, every stork in the world would kill itself – Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Garner is probably wondering why Ben keeps screaming “Matt” during sex – Just Jared

But Carrot Top is 100% organic! – Cityrag

The lezzies in prison are probably creaming themselves knowing Janine is on her way – Hollywood Rag

Some dumb bitch is suing the LAPD for forcing her to pretend to be Jamie LynnI’m Not Obsessed

Because babies save marriages!Celebitchy

Mandy Moore & DJ AM break-up, take 2 – ICYDK

Vintage Johnny Depp in chonies – SOW

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick got swindled! – Socialite Life

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Memaw Jennifer Goes For The Nuts

/ December 31, 2008

There was a story a few years ago of a 93-year-old memaw in Lithuania who showed a burglar what’s what by grabbing on his skin berries and refusing to let go until the cops came. That story inspired Memaw “Jenniferof Portland, Oregon to do the same thing when some nekkid ass criminal broke into her house and threw her old ass onto a chair. When the man had Jennifer on the chair, she reached around and gave him a nut job he will never forget. Vadge’s ball crushing vagina must be so proud.

Sadly, Memaw Jennifer didn’t pop one of his testicles, because he broke free from her hand and got away. The cops later found the nekkid moron and arrested him. They probably followed his raccoon screeches from getting his jizz bags crushed.

The punchline in this story is that the naked dude’s name is Michael Dick. Michael DICK! His dick is all he would have left if Memaw Jennifer got her way.

Above is Jennifer talking about her ordeal. I love what Jennifer screamed at Michael Dick, but I think she forgot a word. She obviously threw in the “cunt” word in there somewhere. It’s the official curse word for hardcore memaws.

And I hope that when I become an old lady, my house looks like that too.

Thanks Hexie

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