Lily Allen has done a good thing. She went out and caught herself a big bag of money! Sure, Lily has her own cash, but a wise woman named Lil’ Kim once told me: “Why spend mine when I can spend yours.” That’s the truth in eight little words and a period.

23-year-old Lily has been frolicking all over St. Barts with one Jay Jopling. He’s worth kagillions! 45-year-old Jay has put together a £100million fortune from selling pictures. Jay recently quit his wife of 11 years back in September. He started boinking Lily’s pad a few weeks ago.

Some nosy ho told The Sun, “It’s early days in their relationship, but Lily has been telling pals how happy she is. She is thrilled with her new man, but some of her friends have urged caution because of the huge age difference. They don’t want to see her get hurt.”

Eff the age difference. His millions of dollars instantly turns him into a 6’2″ 20-something with a big dick and abs that could scrub my dirty mouth clean. Although, at first Lily’s new piece sort of looked like Taylor Hicks. And nobody wants his soul in their hole. No. But then I reminded myself that the dude has cash coming out of his ass and that’s when he turned into a horny Adonis.

Here’s Lily in St. Barts looking like Nell trying to make ends meet by working as a homeless gay hustler. I bet you Jay is into that shit. It’s always the rich ones. He totally makes Lily say “chicka-chicka-chicka-bee” while she’s blowing him.

I did not know this. I must find some. Now if only In-N-Out can get in on the game and come out with frozen mini Double-Doubles, animal style. I’d even settle for some cheeseburger flavored chips. They must make this happen!

(Thanks Danielle)

Here we go again. Somebody put the hose on these two gayelles. Or throw a coke dust-covered dildo in the corner to keep HoHan busy for a while. I swear. HoHan and SamRo are always fighting.. Everywhere. They should be finger jacking each other. Not fighting.

Page Six has been tracking HoHan and SamRo’s war battles in Miami. The first battle took place at Set in Miami with both of their families around? If White Oprah was in their presence, they should have join forces and attacked that whore instead of each other.

The real epic battle happened on New Year’s Eve at Mansion where they shared hosting duties. A witness said they started screaming out each other and the fight quickly moved to the back alley. Okay, this is what I like to hear. The source said, “It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out.”

Gross?! The source doesn’t know true glamour when they see it. That sounds fucking hot. I always try to do all my fighting in back alleys with sandwich-eating bums serving as my audience. Add a song by Vanity 6 as the soundtrack and that shit right there would have been the most glamorous event of 2009.

When the two angry lezzies got back to their hotel at around 11am, they started bitch fighting! Several whores said they could hear the two trashing their room and that’s when they took the fight to the hallways. One source said, “They were punching each other – it was bad. And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary.”

Again, who are these sources? Scary?! That is far from scary. That is entertainment right there. Obviously, none of these witnesses own a camera phone. I would’ve been telling those two fightin’ dykes to smile and say “dental dam” for my camera while they were kicking each other in the bagina bone.

The source said at one point HoHan dropped to her knees and shouted “Why are you doing this to me?” SamRo responded, “I don’t know you.”

HAHAHAHAH! “I don’t know you” is the best line ever! That shit always works when you want to exude hardcore emotion. Just make sure your bottom lip is quivering and one tear is coming down your cheek just as you’re about to say “know you.” I think I’ve said that at least a million times. The last time was when my dry cleaner told me he raised the prices on slacks.

I bet you HoHan and SamRo were fighting over something really stupid. HoHan probably wanted to top just once and SamRo wasn’t going to share the strap-on.

Above is video from New Year’s Eve at Mansion of the two having words. The worst part of the clip is that SamRo is playing “Woomanizah.” This means that the song is back in my brain area for at least 48-hours. I just finished exorcising that shit out of my head by listening to The Facts of Life theme song over and over again. “Woomanizah” is back for more torture.

And here’s some pictures of HoHan looking a lot cheerier while vising a friend’s house yesterday. Her vagina must be pleased because she’s smiling!

The Crackie of Camden is still on holiday in St. Lucia. Yes, she’s on vacation. Pap smacking, crack smoking and ice pop sucking can get really exhausting! I also think she’ll be there a while. I’m not sure, but I believe that the UK might have closed their borders to her.

It looks like while Wino is bestowing her natural beauty on St. Lucia, she is also managing to get gross with some dude. I’d bet all my laundry money that the dude is her local rock seller. Look at how she’s hanging on him. He’s either got a 9″ always-erect peen or he’s packing crack. Just look at the first thumbnail below. Wino’s got a totally hot big-lippy piece of man meat behind her and instead she’s hanging on that douche like he’s an ever-lasting crack pipe. I would sit on the dude’s face behind her so hard that his head would magically disappear into my no-no like a scared turtle.

Anyway, feel better about yourself today by feasting your eyes on these gorgeous pictures of Wino. A little warning: there is some nip here. Wino’s nips and me go way back, so I don’t get the dry heaves anymore when I see them.

In Ricky Gervais’ new comedy audiobook, he jokes that fat asses who get lipo and the gastric bypass surgery are “lazy fat pigs.” Karl Lagerfeld just fell in love (see below).

Ricky said, “If your arse is too fucking fat, stop eating and go for a run.” The Telegraph said Ricky was attacking overweight people. He responded to this on his own blog by saying he will never stop the fat jokes until doctors prove that being a member of the chunk club is something you’re born with. Has Ricky never heard of the fat gene?! Anyway, here’s what he had to say:

I heard someone on the radio once say that they were tired of the prejudice aimed at the overweight. They said something like “you’re not allowed to make fun of gay people, so why are you allowed to make fun of fat people? It’s the same thing.”

It’s not the same thing though, is it? Gay people are born that way. They didn’t work at becoming gay. Fat people became fat because they would rather be that way than stop eating so much. They had to eat and eat to get fat. Then, when they were fat they had to keep up the eating to stay fat. For gayness to be the same as fatness, gay people would have to start off straight but then ween themselves onto cock. Soon they’re noshing all day getting gayer and gayer. They’ve had more than enough cock… they’re full… they’re just sucking for the sake of it. Now they’re overgay, and frowned upon by people who can have the occasional cock but not over indulge.

When a doctor tells me that that’s how you become gay, I’ll stop making jokes about fat people.

“Overgay” is the story of my life. Just ask my doctor. He prescribed me a diet of less Bravo, more Spike and less cock, more Kid Rock. That last part rhymes!

Anybody who has seen Ricky’s act knows that he’s a fat bitch who makes fun of fat bitches and he knows it. When he makes a blubber joke, he’ll follow it up with, “I’m a fatty bo batty myself…” or something like that. Because he’s a plumpy himself, it’s okay for him to make fun of fatties, right? Right?

And who takes him seriously anyway? He’s a fucking comedian. It’s just jokes! Jokes! People get are so damn oversensitive. You can’t make fun of fat people, skinny bitches, gays, lezzies, straights, gingers, squirrels, ferns, etc… What else is there left to laugh at? Rocks?! Well, that includes most of Hollywood, so that settles that. We’ll only make fun of fucking rocks!

Reading Karl Lagerfeld hating on fatties made me remember when he used to be a BBWHZ (big busted white haired zombie) himself! This is when he used to eat regular human food instead of the fallen locks of emaciated models. This is also when he used to smile with his mouth! I don’t think Karl has smiled since the early 90s. He doesn’t smile now, because that’s something “only ze fat jalli pepull do.” I miss fat Karl, but skeleton Karl is just as entertaining.

Our Uncle Karl was kind enough to crawl out of his tomb and give an interview to the Telegraph about his love of fur and his hate of fat chicks. First up, Karl responded to the fashion industry being criticized for using skinny malnourished bitches on the runway. Karl said the number of size 000 models pales in comparison to the “zillions” of fat bitches who roam the land eating everything in sight.

Please read the next quote with a French accent and picture Karl furiously fanning himself. I think if he ever stops fanning himself, his skin will gracefully fall off his bones. Karl said, “In France there are, I think, less than one per cent of people who are too skinny. There are nearly 30 per cent of young people who are too fat. So let’s take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that’s left.”

Uncle Karl didn’t stop there! He also thinks that if we didn’t kill ze animals, they’d kill us! He defended the fur industry by saying many hunters make their living and support their families by killing furry creatures so that he can lay his naked bones all over a luscious mink throw. He said, “Killing those beasts who would kill us if they could.” He said that whenever possible, the animals should be killed “nicely.”

Karl himself hardly ever eats meat! Mostly because it’s physically impossible for him to chew on that shit without his jaw falling off. His slaves have to blend down his filet mignon and serve it to him with a straw. Karl said, “In a meat-eating world, wearing leather for shoes and clothes and even handbags, the discussion of fur is childish.”

Karl is right. When I was little, I had this pet bunny that was always winking at me. Evil winks! If I didn’t keep him in a cage all the time, he probably would have tore out my eyeballs and used them to juggle with. And he’d wink at me the whole time knowing very well that I couldn’t see a little bunny juggling eyeballs. Pure evil! So we must butcher those beasts before they murder us all! I mean, the bunny wouldn’t stop winking at me!

And you know that at this very moment Karl is down in his dungeon trying to find a way for fat bitches to grow mink hair. Two birds….