That’s because he just got married for the fourth time in Santa Barbara last week. Don’t stick your head in the oven just yet, because this bitch’s marriages never last longer than a quick minute. Go tap your crotch to your personal favorite Oldman movie (mine is Prick Up Your Ears) and by the time you’re finished, the ink on his divorce papers will be dry. That’s how he does it.

50-year-old Gary married 31-year-old jazz singer Alexandra Edenborough in a teeny tiny ceremony last week. His agent confirmed this shit, because he was Gary’s best man. This is the fourth time Gary has locked a ball and chain to his ankle. His longest marriage lasted four years. His marriage to Uma Thurman was canceled before their 2-year anniversary.

So, yeah, Alexandra better get to fucking work! She doesn’t have much time before Gary quits her ass, so she better start massaging those tired spermies out of his pepaw peen. Put a little speed in his dick hole, so his jizz fishies swim faster! Get that money before it shuffles off!

And with his whiskers and her eyes, they will have purdy kids. Gary really does have amazing whiskers. That’s how he gets all the ladies. It adds an extra tickle.

Last night, the promised epic fight between Sharon Osbourne and that fatty faced Megan went down on Crack Rock Charm School Reunion. This was the fight that landed Megan in the hospital claiming Sharon done pulled her weave out leaving bald spots. Megan also filed a police report. Vh1 didn’t show the hardcore goods, because a million security officers covered the fun. I mean, how many dudes does it take to tear apart a dumb whore and an old bitch?

But what they did show was pretty awesome. Sharon sort of started it by saying Megan should get her lady parts fixed so that she can’t spawn any lil’ bikini-wearing whores. The truth hurts like two hard dicks going in your butt without lube. Megan fought back by telling Sharon she’s only famous for managing a decrepit rock star with worm meat brains. At first, Sharon laughed it off, then she did a little cough-act and poured her cup of wine all over Megan’s skeeze body. Megan looked like the dirty maxi pad she truly is. Usually I cry when people waste the booze, but this was worth it.

Megan was pretty fucking tanked, so I don’t understand why she didn’t open up her alki-hole and drink up all of that wine being poured on her! Don’t let it fall everywhere! What kind of drunk slut is she?! If I was Megan, I would’ve been sucking the booze out of my weave while Sharon was punching me in the dough face. The booze is more important!

It also sounded like the audience was screaming “Jerry” instead of “Sharon.” Screaming Jerry would have been more appropriate.

And the next time you get into some fight with a dumb bitch, handle it like a real charming lady and throw your choice beverage in her fat boy face! That’s what Headmaster Sharon recommends!

Click here if you can’t see the shit above.

ATTTTCCCHHHOOOOOOOOO!! What the…..? – El Bastardo

Runners-up:

So easy, even a caveman’s freckled home-schooled second cousin could do it. – Stoney

You know you’re officially considered a loser when a pack of 4 inch lizards think they can take you on… – moistiest

Paris Hilton’s crotch critters attack the Rite Aid checkout boy. – Dr. Funk

Thanks Mark

Nikki aka DJ Lady Tribe aka Scary Spicy (that’s what the Brazilian chick calls her) from Rock of Love Bus! – I knew I would fall madly in love with this troll-muppet-creature-slut-thing. If Daisy from Rock of Love 2 grew a penis and fucked Bobby Trendy in his vagina, getting him pregnant, Nikki would pop out of his ass. Below is Nikki’s rap song for Bret. Of course, she read her lyrics off of Herpes and Gonorrhea instruction sheets. Naturally. That’s a must if you’re going to be Rock of Love. Your vagina has to be tainted in someway. Vh1 wants you to fit in with all the other skanks. I was more shocked that Nikki could read! I really do love her. Why she so elegant?

Steven Cojocaru (44)
Amanda Hearst (25)
January Jones (31)
Kylie Bax (34)
Bradley Cooper (34)
Marilyn Manson (40)
Carrie Ann Inaba (41)
Vinnie Jones (44)
Suzy Amis (47)
Pamela Sue Martin (56)
Ted Lange (61)
Diane Keaton (63)
Charlie Rose (67)
Robert Duvall (78)

Your answer has to be yes. Who would turn down a peen ride from Edward Lewis/Zack Mayo/Jack Sommersby? It’s sad, but Sommersby is one of my top 10 favorite suck shows of all time. Jodie Foster and Richard Gere as fucking lovers! All the gerbils in the land rolled their eyes when that shit came out.

Who cares if Richard looks like the boozy pepaw who fell off the ladder while painting my mother’s house! I’d dress up in a gerbil costume and run in a damn wheel for hours if that’s what turned his sick ass on. Gerbilling!

Here’s Richard Gere in a sexy farmer tan participating in a little foreplay action with some slutty wave while vacationing with his family in St. Barts.