When you see the acronym ‘ATM’ and the first thing you think of is ‘Ass To Mouth’, it’s time to seek help for the porno addiction. – Provolone

Runners-up:

This may not have been what the psychic meant when she said Rob would be coming into money… – MadameU

He read the screen too fast and thought it said Enter Your Peen – Reeter

Mutya Buena – Mutya is an original member of the Sugababes but left in 2005 because she knew her exquisite cholita eyebrows deserved the spotlight alone. Mutya is now on Celebrity Big Brother over in the UK. They better not eff with her, because you know she hides razors in her hair. She’s a beauty.

For Paige

Tiffany Pollard aka New York (27)
Alex Turner (23)
Mike Jones (28)
Danny Pintauro (33)
Gabrielle Reece (39)
Julie Chen (39)
Norman Reedus (40)
John Singleton (41)
Joey Lauren Adams (41)
Jesse Dylan (43)
Howie Long (49)
Nigella Lawson (49)
Rowan Atkinson (54)
Trudie Styler (55)
Malcolm Young (56)
Bonnie Franklin (65)

If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo’s clam box, she said, “We didn’t break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it’s gross.” Personally, I would’ve added an “Ewwwwww” and a “Shut up!”

The gross rumor HoHan is ewwwing about is that she’s moved out of SamRo’s house and their lezzietale romance has come to an end. Access Hollywood called it and so did TMZ.

Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it’s not like she’s doing anything else. She wrote:

RUMORS

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc… NOT TRUE

It’s gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.

You know, I’m glad to hear they’re not breaking up, because this is not how it’s supposed to end! HoHan’s supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger’s door and tell them she’s the daughter of God. That’s how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.

P.S. – The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan’s bi-color weave in that picture above.

Just pretend to care, okay! Hearts have been broken! You skanks go and comfort JLove’s “size 2” ass and I’ll try to cheer up Patricia Arquette’s bodacious breasteses. I’ll spoon feed them Neapolitan ice cream while rolling my eyes at their weepiness.

We’ve all been there! It’s the fucking worst when your friend is bawling and saying they are going to kill themselves because some dumb ho dumped them. You sit there, holding their sweaty hand, trying to show in your face that you care. You’re thinking to yourself, “I need to get this bitch a Casual Encounters ad on Craigslist ad so that they can fuck the pain away and I can go watch Real Housewives!” Although, I do love using lines like “He’s not worth your tears” or “His loss! I sucked his dick in the bathroom anyway.” Just say the last line if they really won’t shut the fuck up.

Anyway, JLove and Patricia Arquette’s friends may be giving the fake “I care” face, because both of their relationships went bust.

People says that JLove and her creepy fiance canceled their engagement around the holidays. They were engaged for 1 year and dated for 2. A source said, “They’re both really sad about this. Even their friends are surprised; they seemed really happy. Everyone just wants the best for both of them.”

He probably got sick of her claiming she’s a size 2 when he called her fat. The nerve of some people. And she probably got sick of him giving sex eyes to small animals. Look at the dude! You know he’s into some sick shit!

I’m sure we’ll see JLove’s ass on the cover of some magazine with the headline: “I’m single and loving it! And I’m still a size 2!”

Now on to Patricia Arquette. UsWeekly says she filed for divorce today from her husband of 2 long years Thomas Jane. Of course, she blamed “irreconcilable differences” on the reason why her marriage tanked. Is there ever any other reason? The two have a 5-year-old daughter named Harlow together.

I hope both of these bitches broke it off AFTER the holidays. That shit is the way to go. If you need to dump someone, break it off with their asses after the season of giving so that you can still collect your presents! Don’t ever do it before. If you think you’re going to get dumped, stall that shit until your gift is underneath that tree! And if they didn’t give you shit because they knew they were going to end it with you, make them get you one! They have to, because technically you were still together. Sue their asses if they refuse! Judge Judy will definitely side with you.

What about Blaaaaaake?! Blaaake! Blaaaaake! I’ll scream his name while running down the street barefoot since Wino obviously isn’t anymore! Instead she’s screaming Joooooshhhh. Joooosh. That shit just isn’t the same. Your vocal cord doesn’t wiggle when you scream Jooossshh. Josh should think about changing his name to something that’s easier to scream. Think of the Wino!

Anyway, Josh Bowman is the name of the hot piece Wino has apparently been getting close to while on her neverending St. Lucia holiday. The Sun says Josh is some kind of rugby player and met Wino while on vacation with his mommy and sister.

I know what all of you are thinking, “What is that hunk of man doing with that gutter troll?!” You whores are so superficial! Maybe Josh loves the way the sun slightly melts her zombie skin in the morning. Maybe Josh loves tasting heroin snot and coke loogies when he kisses Wino. Or maybe he’s always just gotten a boner for Gargamel. Whatever the reason may be, it’s a good thing Wino is sucking on the skin pipe instead of the crack pipe!