I accidentally ran into the Critics Choice Awards on Vh1 last night at the perfect perfect time. It’s like some supreme being (Maddox) touched my hand and softly guided me towards a moment they knew I could not miss.

The moment started with Ben Stiller announcing the winner for Best Actress. St. Angie Jo did not win. Surprisingly, the venue’s support beams did not break, forcing the entire joint to crash into a pile of dust and rubble. Instead, it was a tie between Anne Hathaway for that movie about a piece of trash at a wedding and Meryl Streep for that movie about holy child touching. They were probably hoping for a Devil Wears Prada reunion, but that shit didn’t happen, because Meryl Streep was a no-show. This might have been a blessing, because if she did show, this moment probably would have never happened!

During Anne Hathaway’s frantic, frazzled, 8-year-old girl on meth speech, the camera kept panning to St. Angie’s face… HER FACE! If looks could kill virgin angels, this would be it. I wish I could bottle her smugness and spray it on my face whenever I am not amused. It was a dazzling moment. I learned that wax figure gods can give cuntface! No wonder Anne Hathaway acted so cracked the fuck out. Angie kept giving her the “my shit don’t stank, but yours does” look. Anne’s insides were slowly rotting away from St. Angie’s stares of DEATH! Or maybe Anne just mixed her Adderall and Ephedrasil. Probably the latter.

I really hope Anne wins at the Golden Globes this Sunday and that they install a StAngieCam to capture every single one of Angie Jo’s smirks. It’s fun when she loses!

Below is the clip from the moment that played in every Brangaloonie’s nightmares last night. Oh and Anne, your gums are receding, because you’re on speed or some shit! Smoke a bowl and relax.

Puff…puff…puff “Well, what a bitch, power runs out, she gets mad, throws me across the room! What? I’ve got to buy the batteries? What a bitch, huh, Mr Ashtray?” – El Bastardo

Runners-up:

This ain’t that bad. Madonna’s last vibrator was addicted to crack. – Axl

Dave Stewart’s new vibrator: The Lucky Strike Rabbit–Mentholated for her pleasure. – DeeDee

(Thanks Renee)

Brenton Alan Erhardt -This Australian dude got caught jacking his stick shift if I ain’t being too subtle. Oh, why be subtle? Brenton was straight-up waxing his peen pole while driving 93mph down the highway. Not only was Brenton hand hugging his little friend, but he was also videotaping the precious moment. And he was smoking weed! AND he had two bongs and two marijuana plants in his car. A party for one at 93mph!

A judge sentenced his ass to 2 months in jail and fined him $2000. The judge told Brenton, “You’re not a particularly young man. This is the sort of conduct you might expect of a much younger, immature person to engage in.” Wha?! You’re never to old for jacking and driving.

Brenton is only a hot slut for the above picture alone. Thank you for giving us your “getting caught with your dick in your hand” face. By the way, he better send that shit into Australia’s Funniest Home Videos if there is such a thing. A guaranteed winner.

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For DJ Tenn

Crystal Gayle (58)
Kate Middleton (27)
A.J. McLean (31)
Maggie Rizer (31)
Angela Bettis (36)
Lara Fabian (39)
Joey Lauren Adams (41)
Dave Matthews (42)
Haddaway (44)
Joely Richardson (44)
Imelda Staunton (53)
J.K. Simmons (54)
Jimmy Page (65)
Joan Baez (68)

When did Jakey go from having bottom arms to top arms? Or maybe I was asleep during that part of class. Damn. I didn’t know you could get muscly-like arms from playing with Barbies all day with the girlfriends. He must be playing with Bratz. Those heifers are fatter. You know, I never got the urge to put my tongue in his peen hole like some of you whores, but now that he has those made-for-sex-arms…

Here’s Jakey being sexy hot and knowing it while jogging with some dudes today. You know “Running Back to You” by Vanessa Williams is bumping in his head. NUFF SAID!

On the Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta, Sheree said she expected to get a seven-figure divorce settlement from her ex-husband Bob Whitfield. Last year, Sheree got a divorce settlement which included a lump sum of $775,000, $1 million property, a little bit of his retirement plan and $2,142 a month in child support. That’s not enough for Sheree, so she appealed that bitch all the way to the Georgia Supreme State Court where it will be heard on Monday.

According to Sheree’s lawyer, she’s only a high school graduate with barely any skills, so she has no way of making any kind of substantial income for herself or kids. She gets about $113k a year from the divorce, but says it’s not enough for her to continue to be a member of “Atlanta’s elite.” UGH. I hate when she says that.

Before you stamp Sheree with the “greedy dumb bitch” stamp (available at Michael’s), listen to me. Sheree needs money to take her truly faaaaabulous couture line “She by Sheree” to the “next level.” Ugh. I hate when she says that too. Yes, Sheree said she wants to be an independent woman, but she needs her ex-husband’s cash in order to become one. It doesn’t make sense to us, but we’re not part of Atlanta’s elite like Sheree is. We just don’t understand.

But seriously, if Sheree wants quick money, she needs to team up with Kim Zolciak for a duet of “Tightrope.” There’s two tightropes….

By the way, this is what Sheree’s fellow Bravo reality star, Carla from Top Chef, thinks of this fuckery:

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Thanks Katie