Sea Kittens!!!

/ January 9, 2009

Peta has once again pulled a WTF by launching a campaign urging whores to start calling fish “sea kittens” so that we won’t want to eat them anymore. The catfish of the world are staging a protest. They are the only pussies with gills.

Whatever the hell you call that shit, I’m still going to enjoy a hot plate of “sea kitten and chips” every damn week.

Peta thinks that people don’t like fish (Rosie, Ellen, SamRo not included) very much, so they started a website in hopes of changing their image. Peta says on the website, “Nobody would hurt a sea kitten! People don’t seem to like fish. We’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover.” They also asking hos to sign a petition asking the US Fish and Wildlife Service to stop the promotion of sea kitten hunting (aka fish hunting).

Peta’s sea kitten really looks like a pussy eating a fish. It’s the new lesbian mascot! Seriously, it does sound like a lezzie sex act done in the bathtub or pool.

You know, I’m going to give this whole “sea kitten” thing a shot, because I’m into making waiters uncomfortable. But if I order the grilled sea kitten and they bring me something with fur and whiskers on it, I’m going to flour bomb Peta.

And when I googled “sea kitten,this is the first picture that came up. Sea kitteh not so cute.

VIA Jezebel

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HoHan Can’t Get Enough Of The Penn

/ January 9, 2009

Last month, HoHan was spottednuzzling” on Sean Penn in NYC. I figured she was just trying to snort out a little sugah-covered booger chunk from his nose. Well, Ho and Penn were back together at Nobu in L.A. the other night. A nosy ho told Celebuzz (via P6), “Sean was the only guy at a table full of Lindsay and her friends. The whole table chatted and chain-smoked.”

Lily Allen was absolutely right. Coke isn’t one of Satan’s minions. It also brings people together. If it wasn’t for the candy dust, Ho and Penn might not be sharing laughs and fags at dinner. Can you imagine their conversation. Actually, there’s probably not a lot of talking going on. They just stare at each other, licking their lips, sniffing their noses and wiping their snot. Then they get up and go to the bathroom, come back, sit down, and do it all over again. I doubt they’re bumping it.

But if they were, what would their couple name me? I’m thinking HoPenn. Well, let’s drop the unnecessary n and put an e in its place where it rightfully belongs. HoPeen! Perfect.

Oh and what about that sad little lesbian SamRo? Page Six says that she really did end their shit, but HoHan is in denial. Some source said, “Sam broke up with Lindsay but she is completely in denial about it.”

When someone dumps your ass and you’re not ready to let go of their good sexin’ or their wallet, the best thing to do is pretend like it never happened. That way you can just skip on up and demand they lick your orgasm maker or give you some cash. If you whine and persist long enough, they’ll finally just give in to shut you up.

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Morning Wood

/ January 9, 2009

The biggest flour bomber UsWeekly

NYC Fashion Week is going to the douches – Celebitchy

Kevin Costner almost died! Not really, but I like dramatics – I’m Not Obsessed

A Golden Globe Best Actress spoiler? – Socialite Life

The paps totally put the coke in HoHan’s pants too – Celebslam

Carrie Underwear looks like she’s gotta make a pee – Popoholic

Hilary Duff’s $100k chipmunkmobile – The Bastardly

Sherlock‘s ho in Brooklyn – ICYDK

Braided togetherUrlesque

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Rocco Has A Dick Like David

/ January 9, 2009

Put on your peendar goggles and determine where or not Match.com’s columnist, Whitney Casey, is speaking the truth or is lie-telling. I mean, Rocco could have promised her a dinner with his mom if she lied about his peen size. I fell in love with his mommy after watching The Restaurant.

So! Whitney had a little conversation with Howard Stern on his Sirius show and DownByTheHipster was listening in when she described the best fuck she ever had:

Rocco Dispirito was the best lay she ever had. She also claims that he had a perfect penis. Howard asked what that means. Whitney said that he looks like the statue David. Howard said that statue has a small dick. She said that he’s a good looking dude from head to toe and his penis was like a Viagra version of the statue of David.

The perfect dick is different for everybody. It’s like a puzzle. A rock hard 8″ wang that sounds good on paper can turn out to be a major bust (and not in a good way) when put to work. There have been times when I’ve first laid eyes on a schlong that made the heavens open up and my no-no sing “Hallelujah!” But after a few strokes, I went looking for the GONG! It truly depends.

That being said, my peendar tells me Rocco is a wittle above average in length. I’d say anywhere from 6.5″ to 7.5″. I’d also say he has average girth, but I picture him with an overly large mushroom head. He’s a chef! That’s what my professional HO opinion is.

And Whitney is a stupid bitch for telling us Rocco has a dick like David on Viagra, but doesn’t bring picture proof. That’s wrong.

VIA ONTD

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Wino Knows Best

/ January 9, 2009

Did you really think Amy Wino would get through her St. Lucia vacation without attacking some ho? But I suspect Wino was smart about this one. Wino’s spokeswhore told The Sun that there was a little misunderstanding (isn’t there always?) between her and some of the guests at the resort. Wino’s got a little crackwax in her ears, because she misunderstood a conversation between a lady guest and some others. This led to Wino to pull a “Heather Mills” by pouring a glass of water all over the bitch. Why did Wino play it smart?

Well, Wino with a glass of water? Please. The Crackie of the Caribbean obviously had some booze juice in her hand. You know, I really get hurt when bitches waste their alcohol by throwing it at someone. There’s people in this world who would kill a baby bunny for just one sip of life’s precious nectar. To waste it is disrespectful! Wino obviously agrees with me, because she probably stopped herself before she was about to pour her drink all over the whore’s head and walked on over to the bar instead. She asked the bartender for a glass of that clear free shit (she doesn’t know the name) and that’s when the woman got hit with a Wino waterfall. Well played.

The wet bitch got all dramatic about the incident and wanted to call the cops. The resort had to calm her down and force Wino to apologize in order to avoid dealing with the police. Wino reluctantly said she was so sowwy, but all is still not well at the resort.

A source said the guests and staff have had it with her, “Everyone wants Amy to disappear. Her attack on this guest was the last straw. She walks around in the same grimy bikini bottoms each day with her boobs on show, gets drunk, gropes waiters and is rude to male staff. She’s hardly the most popular guest.”

Why don’t I ever get a taste of this shit when I go on vacation? I get a bunch of oldies who shoot you an evil stare when you get too wasted and talk loudly about how you really want a hard cock to go with your cocktail. A bunch of judgmental Judge Judies.

They’ll have to get some ear plugs and steer clear of Harpo Marx’s crackie twin, because Wino is staying there an extra week. Hey, at least the sharks are staying away. Even they don’t want to deal with her crackery.

Here’s a few pictures of Wino proving that she should be Nike’s next spokeswhore. Just smoke it!

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“DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!”

/ January 9, 2009

That was Kanye’s response to his cover of Vibe Magazine. His full response on his blog was: “I DON’T HAVE GREY IN MY BEARD IN REAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M ALL DOWN WITH BEINGS IN MY 30’S BUT DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!”

I’ll have to agree with the CAPS Master. He is definitely giving Brad Pitt a run for his old face money on this cover. Kanye’s Vibe cover and Brad’s W cover should have an old face off! I don’t even have to count the votes. Kanye wins. Kanye always wins, even when he loses.

And my new phrase that pays is: “DAAAAAAAAMN!!!! THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT!” I can’t wait to use it for absolutely everything. It doesn’t have to make sense. When a bitch at McDonald’s gets my order wrong again, you know what my response will be.

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