Russell Crowe Is Too Fat For Sienna Miller

/ January 10, 2009

Russell Crowe’s movie about Robin Hood is falling apart, because he’s a fat old sack of fugness. That’s what Page Six claims anyway. According to their sources, Russell’s movie Nottingham is a fucking mess, because the bitch is not losing the chunk. Shooting was supposed to start in February, but now that’s been pushed to April, because mega slut Sienna Miller quit that bitch.

A source said, “Russell never lost the weight he put on for ‘Body of Evidence’ – and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He’s so old and fat and she’s so young and gorgeous. It’s just . . . gross.

A love scene between Sienna and a Seawolf (Russell does kind of look like one) would be believable, because she has a nonpartisan pussy. Sienna has a gift that most sluts would give up their no gag reflex for. She has the ability to make any fuck session work despite any odds. They need to give the whore the credit she deserves!

Anyslutty, the producers are now looking for a fatter, older ho to play Maid Marian. Um. Harvey Fierstein is available!

The movie also has other problems thanks to Russell. He demanded a complete rewrite so that most of the movie’s focus is on his big ass. A source said he’s also trying to get director Ridley Scott fired.

A studio bitch confirmed that Sienna busted out, but said Ridley is staying.

This is easily solved. Work with what you’ve got. Bring in Kristie Alley, change the title to Eatingham, rename Russell’s character Robin Food, and instead of a Kraft services table, get Claim Jumper to cater that shit. BAM! Problem solved.

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Two Adorable Pocket People Had A Baby!

/ January 10, 2009

Dolores Fonzi, Gael Garcia Bernal’s special friend, popped out a baby boy on Thursday in Madrid. That’s what Gael’s rep person told UsWeekly. They’ve been dating since 2007, they met in 2001, they made a baby 9 months ago, blah…blah…blah…

These two are pretty fucking cute. So little. So cute. He’s the size of a lima bean, so she’s probably the size of a lentil. I just want to carry them in my palm to the nearest Toys ‘R Us where I will buy them tiny clothes from the Polly Pocket section. I will dress them up and then throw them in my teacup and watch them swim! They are so adorable. That means their baby is like microscopic! I want a microbaby!

And as for their new baby’s name – they haven’t released it yet.

Why hasn’t a celebwhore named their baby Concepcion yet? I’m still waiting for that! And you know how I feel about the name Ethel. I know they had a boy, but if Gael and Dolores named him Concepcion Ethelita, I would explode like a swap meet pinata.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ January 10, 2009

Jill Larson – I went to see Gypsy last night with Patti Lupone (it was really hot) and this got me thinking about Life Goes On. Dorothy Lyman was also in that shit and she was the original Opal on All My Children. This of course led my brains to Jill Larson, because she plays Opal #2 on that shit. When I was a little homo growing up and would watch AMC during “sick” days from school, I would wish that Opal would do my hair one day.

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Birthday Sluts

/ January 10, 2009

Pat Benatar (56)
Saleisha Stowers (23)
Abigail Clancy (23)
Sarah Shahi (29)
Cash Warren (30)
Lyle Menendez (41)
Trini Alvarado (42)
Julie Moran (47)
Evan Handler (48)
Shawn Colvin (53)
James Lapine (60)
George Foreman (60)
Rod Stewart (64)

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Dexter Married His Sister

/ January 9, 2009

Terrible news for those of you whores who coochie cream over Michael C. Hall. He went off and got himself married to the chick who plays his sister on Dexter. Ew! You’re boning your sister! Seriously now, his spokesbitch told E! that they did the deed on New Year’s Eve in Big Sur, CA.

Michael, 37, and Jennifer Carpenter, 29, have been dating on the down low for about a year and a half. They are expected to walk the red carpet as man and wifey this Sunday at the Golden Globes.

Dexter is not a member of my Tivo queue family, but I was all about Six Feet Under. David Fisher is married to Keith Charles! Not this stick bug lady!

P.S. – Let’s all clap for that hot Asian girl in the picture above. She’s giving us face.

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Mickey Rourke In My Favorite Position

/ January 9, 2009

Ever since I started wearing pants, my hand has been down them, because that shit is my favorite thing to do. It’s not even a “thing” anymore. It’s a way of life. My mom calls it the “Al Brady.” Yes, she means the “Al Bundy,” but she gets her TV hos mixed up. Seriously, I do it all the time. It’s not a sexual thing, you nasty bitch! It’s not like my finger is up my ass. Well, not usually. It’s just comforting keeping my hand right above my crotch area. Although, my slutty hand does travel a little too far south sometimes, but only to say “hey.”

And just like Mickey Rourke, I even do that shit in public. But I always do it without thinking. When I’m waiting to cross the street or something like that, sometimes my hand will just creep into my pants out of habit. Whoever I’m with will usually call me a nasty perv and tell me to never leave the house again, but it’s not like it’s obscene!

In fact, I’m glad Mickey Rourke did it at the Critics Choice Awards last night. It distracts from his chilaquiles face.

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