I was just about to post some shit that Kanye West supposedly told King Magazine about wanting to do a porn scene with a chick and another dude. I decided to skip on over to his blog first and my eyes hit the keyboard when this shit came up. I seriously never get used to Kanye’s bright blue, CAPS-filled fuckery sprinkled with millions of exclamation points. Never. This shit is like one of those posters from the 80s that if you started long enough at, you’d see a dolphin jumping through the ocean or some shit. Everyone would always shout “I see it! I see it!” But I never would. Cruel.

Let me break down Kanye’s rant for you. Earlier today, AVN posted this quote by Kanye to King: “I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I’m open to doing porn. Hell, I’ll even do bisexual scenes – myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women.”

The article is now gone from AVN’s website. I guess it was all made up and Kanye thinks everyone is out to get him. We’re all huddled in a dark room together, plotting ways to bring him down. Bitches don’t need to make up some shit about him doing porn in order to destroy him. All you have to do is remove the caps lock key from his MacBook Air. He would explode in 3…2…

And a Kanye West porn would be a total bust. That money shot would be worth about 2 cents. Kanye would make whoever was doing the scene with him wear a Kanye West mask so he could bust one. Then right when he was about to bring it home, he’d shout, “I’M THE CUMMER OF THIS GENERATION!!!!!1!111”

This celebrity couple is known for their commitment to each other despite their age difference. Each appears to have adapted well to parenting in a blended family. However, one parent was recently caught by one of their grown children in a compromising situation outside of the family. The child – who is also pursuing a career in acting – is now in the uncomfortable position of lying to the one parent about the other in order to keep the family intact. (Blind Gossip)

What did Tater Head’s potato eyes see?

Which small-screen actress is just as naughty as her TV character? The hottie was seen kissing quite a few fellas at Sundance despite having a serious boyfriend. (Gatecrasher)

That skank Naomi from 90210? Or Kathie Lee Gifford after too many glasses of chardonnay?

Which high-profile celeb couple, who insist they are madly in love, actually sleep in separate rooms? They check into separate suits in hotels. (3am Girls)

Katie Holmes can’t sleep with Tommy Girl’s butt vibrator buzzing all night, so she needs her own room. Okay?

I think this this newly engaged NFL player would be surprised to learn that his future wife has been spending a great deal of time talking and texting her old boyfriend every chance she gets and even making plans to meet while she is alone and out of town. Of course it probably serves our NFL player right. (CDAN)

Eeeeeeasy! Tom Brady, Gis Buttchin and Leo DiCaprio?

Well, well, well. Let the rumors begin anew. This B list film actress with A list name recognition was spotted last night getting her shoulders rubbed and her hand held by this B list television actress from a network drama. (CDAN)

Which one is the top? Anne Hathaway or Kate Walsh?

Which reality television star may not welcome some upcoming attention? While her stint on reality TV seems to suggest a need for constant attention, even she was caught off guard by the revelation that a skin magazine tycoon has obtained some explicit photos of her. The network where she is a star is doing what they can to stop them from getting published, but it may be too late. (Blind Gossip)

Reality stars welcome any kind of attention. But my final guess is Vicki from The Real Housewives of Orange County? I WISH! My real guess is Gretchen?

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You know, I’m always on the fence on whether or not I’d let Shia LaDouche tip it or go nuts deep. If he wore that paper bag, I’d let him hit that shit until one of us passed out or barfed (it happens). And that plastic bag over his wrist cast just confirms to me that he isn’t above using a Dollar Tree plastic baggie and rubber band if he doesn’t have a condom handy.

Shia and a big-tittied friend walked the streets of Glendale, CA today in matching paper bag masks and plastic bag gloves to “disguise” themselves from the pappies. Oh, Shia. Why so smarty? But seriously, this made me like him a little bit. Just a little. For a quick second. And I hope that when he’s done with that bag, he’ll pass it over to the dolphin god known as Michael Phelps.

Long Island, NY will soon be blessed with the holy Brangelina family. Yes, Brangaloonies everywhere will soon travel to the new holy land to kiss the ground St. Angie Jo floats above. Star claims they will move into the $60 million Sassafras estate in the town of Lloyd Neck while Angie films Salt for a few months.

They aren’t buying it, just renting it. CHEAP FUCKS! I really don’t know what they’re going to do. The house is barely big enough for them at only 22,000 square feet. Yeah, teeny tiny, right? Poor Maddox will have to combine his hair salon and knife throwing space into one room. Times are tough.

While Maddox is there, I hope he travels to where the real Long Islanders live so that he can learn and embrace their native culture. When they’re done with him, he’ll have an Aquanet hair nest that touches the sky and beach scenes painted on his new fake nails.

Here’s a few more pictures of their new dump. I also threw in a few pics of St. Angie sticking up her nose at the little people while at the Paris premiere of Baby Old Face.

33-year-old Shelley Price of England needs to bend over and give her nalgas a nice rub to prepare it for the giant “NASTY CUNT OF THE CENTURY” tattoo I’m about to give her. The reason? She ran off to the Daily Mail to tell them that she doesn’t love 11-year-old daughter Catherine and she never has.

Okay, a baby has never popped out of my no-no (not that I know of anyway), but I’m sure that if one did and I didn’t feel love for it, I wouldn’t proclaim it to a damn newspaper. And I surely wouldn’t pose with the poor unloved baby in said newspaper. Hasn’t this evil witch heard of Post Secret? Yeah, but then she wouldn’t get the attention she truly loves. Seriously, she doesn’t love her daughter because she’s too busy loving attention.

Anyway, let’s hear what this bitch has to say for herself: “I know what people will think. Everyone will hate me. I’m the woman who doesn’t like her own child. But I’m speaking out because I’m convinced I’m not alone. I hate myself for the way I feel, but whatever it is that makes a mum want to hug and kiss her child, I have not felt it. Catherine has always felt like someone else’s daughter. When the midwives put Catherine into my arms, I felt nothing at all. She didn’t feel like my own flesh and blood. She felt dirty.”

At first, Shelley thought she just wasn’t the motherly-type, so the genius decided to give it another go and gave birth to another daughter with a different dude two years ago. Shelley loves the new one, but still doesn’t feel anything for Catherine. “I’m a loving person. It was a relief to feel emotional about Poppy (her second daughter) from the moment she was born.”

After looking at Catherine in the picture above, it’s clear that the feeling is mutual. She’s got those “get your nasty hands off of me, you bitch” eyes. And is it just me or does Catherine looks like Dakota Fanning meets Village of the Damned? That dumb bitch Shelley better sleep with two eyes open from now on…

That’s what I’m told anyway. I don’t know. It sort of looks like it used to have a head. I can picture it running through the fields trying to catch little woodland creatures or some shit. But Posh claims it’s fraudulent fur. Maybe she’s lie-telling because she doesn’t want to get flour bombed by Peta. If Peta ever decides to drop a flour load on her, they should add some eggs, a few slices of salami, a block of cheese and some yeast, so the bitch can make a damn sandwich to eat.

And when you’re able to crawl into a purse and do a handstand in the middle of it, that shit is probably too big for you to carry.

Here’s Posh arriving at the airport in Milan today. Oh, I get it. Even Posh is feeling the recession. The bitch gets into that mega bag and travels in cargo. So thrifty!