Why are the Girl Scouts doing this to me? Why are they killing me softly by putting less delicious bites of heaven into cookie each box? Why are they so evil?! They might as well deep fry me and throw me towards Aretha Franklin to put me out of my misery. This is fuck fuck fuckery beyond fuckery. I knew I couldn’t trust those little bitches.

The Girl Scouts of America have stuck a rusty knife into my throat by announcing that there will be fewer Thin Mints, Do-si-dos and Tagalongs in boxes this year. Lucky for them, they didn’t fuck with Samoas or there really would’ve been a shank fight. For real.

The Dallas News say the reason for the changes? The fucking economy. They have to cut costs. UGH! Always blaming our caca economy. One of the HBICs of the Girl Scouts said, “We aren’t talking about a drastic change. We are just talking about a couple cookies.”

No, we’re talking about the difference between life and death. Think about it. What if you’re happily chomping away on your last box of Thin Mints, savoring each one. Before you know it, your hand goes into the box and you feel nothing. You’ve eaten them all. According to your calculations, you had two left. But you completely forgot those evil Girl Scouts left two out on purpose. You weren’t prepared for this. You panic. You tear your house in two to find more. You call everyone you know. Nothing. You even take a piece of peppermint gum and stuff it into an Oreo, but it’s not the same thing. Suddenly you realize that the only reasonable option is suicide. It’s the only way to stop the pain. You see, life and death.

The times that I did catch Jimmy Kimmel on TV, the one on that show that made me laugh the most was Veatrice Rice, one of the security guards. I can appreciate a woman with a filthy mouth that not even a Mr. Clean eraser can wash out.

Veatrice went off to heaven on Wednesday after battling cancer. Last night, Jimmy played the tribute video above for her. It gave me the sads, but then Veatrice said “cheese penis” and I got happy thinking of her cursing out the angels up there.

Rest in peace, Veatrice….

VIA ONTD

I know that’s a picture of Sanjaya’s sister, but if he were to pose nude, his picture would look a lot like this. But with more pubies on the face and a lot more Sanjayaness (aka fiiiiierceness) in the eyes. Now, you can go ahead and file this post under: “things you never wanted to know about Sanjaya but were told anyway.”

On Howard Stern’s (via MarksFriggin) show the other day, Sanjaya said he would gladly show off his peenjaya and his sangina but only in a “classy way.” That means he wants to be laying on a bear skin rug with a single red rose between his nalgas. He went on to say, ““if it were a really classy…I wouldn’t do Playgirl…in the future, done right.” I’m thinking Sanjaya would like to pull a HoHan and recreate Marilyn Monroe’s famous nude shoot. That’s what he has in mind and he would Sanjaya the fuck out of that shit!

Sanjaya also denied that he likes a warm pair of skin nuts in his mouth every now and again. He told Howard that he loves the snatch and handed over his v-card when he was 16. He even has a girlfriend now and they do sexy times ALL the time. I bet that shit is pretty good for Sanjaya. His girlfriend’s vagina lips laughing at his peen probably creates an extra vibration.

And now you might want to get a long skewer to poke out the images your brain will create after this next shit. Howard asked Sanjaya how big his peenjaya was. Howard is cute. He believes he actually has one of those! But seriously, Sanjaya said the last time he measured it was when he was 13. It was 6 inches then. That’s your cue to put the skewer in!

Here’s the future Playboy Playmate of 2010 leaving Good Morning America today looking like a wet El DeBarge on the bad shit.

Mah Boo is either a) thinking of NeNe’s breasteses b) getting a rim job under the table or c) – trying to keep the appletini barf from coming up – Videogum

This is getting stupid: Dumb Fuck and Dumber Fuck are once again not engaged – I’m Not Obsessed

A shot at Lily Allen – Holy Moly!

Ross McCall is still holding on to JLove’s size two ass – Celebitchy

K-FAT – The Sun

Posh could have gotten the same-looking shit down in Chinatown for a couple of bills – ICYDK

The aliens will invade London – Socialite Life

WAKE UP and smell the lubed-up butt plug in your ass, Matthew! You’ve got a photo-op to fake smile for.

These two have the sexual chemistry of a dying salamander and white dog caca (StepBrothers 4 EVA). It’s a good thing Matthew Broderick keeps a picture of a hard wang on his cell phone at all times, so he can glance it every few minutes to get an extra shot of energy or. Seriously, SJP and Matthew look like they would rather be getting a genital rub from Freddy Krueger. Their clothes even look miserable. Slap him with a dick and slap her with a carrot.

Here’s Ladyhawke and his little pony telling everyone “We’re holding hands! This means we’re happy!” in NYC last night.

The “little people” I’m talking about included Mary J. Blige, Alicia Keys, Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi. Among others. Mimimimimimi was given a seat at the inauguration in the VIP section with a bunch of other celebrities. This was not good enough for the unicornie princess. She wanted to sit on Obama’s lap, basically.

Some source told Page Six, “Somehow she thought she’d be up with the Obama family. When she realized she wasn’t, she bailed.”

They got it wrong. She fluttered off on her butterfly-winged vagina when Queen Chichis came out wearing the hat of hope. Mimi went off to order her own. But Mimi had hers done up in baby pink and instead of a big ass bow, hers has butterfly wings encrusted with shiny Hello Kitty heads. And she’s done the right thing. If you’re an American, it’s your duty to make and wear your own low budget version of this shit.