I woke up this morning craving an acid tab, but I don’t need to go there anymore thanks to The Killers new video for “Spaceman!” This is the kind of shit I would’ve come up with when I was 7-years-old after playing with my Barbie, He-Man, She-Ra and My Little Pony dolls together in the backyard. I think they all make cameos in this video in some form or another. This is seriously like The Wiz meets Mad Max meets American Apparel and not in a sexy way.

You know, I would pull the lint out of Brandon Flower’s belly button with my ass lips, but that “Venger from Dungeons & Dragons goes to a gay Mardi Gras party” has left me destroyed. But I do thank Brandon for keeping my round velcro mit from the 80s safe on his crotch.

Even 26-year-old rising fashion stars who designed Michelle Obama’s inauguration dress punch us in the heart by using “over the moon.” Yes, Jason Wu told the New York Times, “I was over the moon. I know I am an unusual choice for a first lady. I didn’t think it was my turn yet.”

When can we throw the phrase “over the moon” over the moon so it can never return. Isn’t the moon sick of whores jumping over it? What about “over the dildo”? Or “over the peen”? Or “over the Spaghetti Cat“? Or “over Kristie Alley’s bare nalgas“? Anything!

(Thanks Andrea)

This news makes me happy only because I get to use this For Keeps? poster. FINALLY. Nobody ever talks about that shit. They always bust nuts over Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink and Townies. I wasn’t serious about the last one. But I am serious about For Keeps? I mean, the movie has Molly Ringwald suffering from post-partum depression, the film debut of Pauly Shore, Conchata Ferrell and a local slut named Michaela (that shit excited me because we almost have the same name). Perfect. And if I got an STD for every time someone told me, “Young lady you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut and your legs crossed!,” I’d be Parasite Hilton!

Anyway, Molly tells People that she has two babies laid up in her womb. One has a penis and the other has a vagina. She already has a 5-year-old daughter named Mathilda with husband Panio Gianopoulos. She’s pushing her twins out in August.

It is Molly’s duty AS Molly Ringwald to name her twins Darcy and Stan after For Keeps?. Or maybe Theodore and Theodosia after the baby’s name in that shit. She has to.

And isn’t it weird that Molly Ringwald is old now with a family and shit? She’s one of those people that should never have been allowed to get old. She should be forever sixteen.

Stains from It’s Me or the Dog – On The Soup last night, they made the crazy-eyed Stains a STAR! I would do the same shit with my eyes if someone put a plate of delicious cupcakes in front of me and told me not to eat them. Seriously, I think Stains was using his eyes powers to kill all the hos in the room so that he could be alone with that big plate of heaven. Or maybe he was devouring that shit with his eyes.

This is living thing abuse!!!! You don’t big a plate of cupcakes in front of a bitch and tell them not to eat one. Cruel! Clip below:

Neil Diamond (68)
Mischa Barton (23)
Nicole Lenz (29)
Tatyana Ali (30)
Kyle Brandt (30)
Matthew Lillard (39)
Mary Lou Retton (41)
Natassja Kinski (50)
Yakov Smirnoff (58)
Gennifer Flowers (59)
Aaron Neville (68)
Ernest Borgnine (92)

Last August, many of you were mystified by Shauna Sand’s power to walk on sand in her exquisite lucite heels. HA! Sand is no match for Sand! Just look at the way the little grains of sand jump out of the way when the Empress of Lucite makes her way through. She’s like Moses parting the Red Sea (and don’t think of periods, because she doesn’t get those). Well, if Moses was an elegant and fragile lucite flower with golden hair.

Here is the most naturally beautiful woman in the world floating like the precious angel she is on the beach in Miami today with her dude. Shauna needs to click her exquisite lucite heels together and bring her dude’s hair out of 1981.