When these pictures of HoHan looking like a greasy chicken bone came out over the weekend, everyone figured she was forgetting to do a little thing called EATING. Her spokeswhore responded to that shit by telling Page Six, “Lindsay is aware that she’s lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals.”

Stress?! Yeah, it’s really stressful trying to figure out if you’re going to wear the black leggings…or the black leggings. All that stress! I’m surprised she’s not going around punching baby squirrels in the stomach. You know, all that stress makes you crazy.

And yes, HoHan’s meals consist of roasted cooch, coke pilaf, mashed Adderall with meth gravy, but they are still considered full meals! And she washes it all down with a cup of liquid protein (aka vodka). YES, vodka is chock-full of protein! A mixologist told me and they are pretty much doctors, right?

When Evan Rachel Wood broke it off with corpse lizard Marilyn Manson, there were rumors that she comforted herself by licking on Mickey Rourke’s ham scramble face. She denied that shit by saying they “bonded” while making The Wrestler (Evan plays his angsty daughter) and are just good friends. Well, it looks like they are still bonding….with their mouths.

FoxNews says that after the S(L)AG Awards on Sunday, 21-year-old Evan and 56-year-old Mickey were tongue fighting outside of the Four Seasons Hotel. Some witness person said that after they finished killing the flowers and plants around them by kissing, they went upstairs together.

Who can blame Evan for not being able to resist The Mickey? You see that face and all you want to do is just sit on it! Mostly because your precious eyebrows start burning off if you look at Mickey’s hatchet face too long, so you just have to sit on it to stop the pain.

And I’d totally hit it, because I’m curious as to what the peen looks like now. My peendar doesn’t work on Mickey. When I try to imagine what the dick is like, my peendar shuts down and gives me a 404 error. His dick probably looks like a pork rind.

If you’re in Tokyo and wondering why all the cherry blossoms are suddenly in full bloom, it’s because the twin deities float amongst you Quick! Bottle up the air and sell it on eBay! Authentic twin messiah oxygen!

You can tell that the twins have never seen peons before, “Mommy Saint, why is everyone so dull and not sparkly shiny like us?” Or maybe the twins are just transfixed by a platter of cupcakes? And why do I really want Knox to shine my shoes while performing a jaunty song and dance number?

The entire holy family caused heart attacks and made bitches spontaneously combust when they arrived in Tokyo today. The entire family! Even the one they had a while ago. You know, the one who lives in an ivory tower, has skin made out of blessed snow and is growing her golden hair out so that someone can climb up to give her some attention? Yeah, that one. She was there too!

And I always knew Maddox was a Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta fan. That furry hat on his head is an homage to Kim Zolciak’s road kill wig. His looks more realistic……and he knows it.

Pants are for looooosers. A real slut shows off her smilin’ snatch so others can smile back or frown at it, in this case.

That beat down, raggedy, hot weasel known as Russell Brand left a club in London last night with these two winners who look like they just crawled out of the toilet on the Rock of Love Bang Bus. The three Cumsketeers all shuffled back to Russell’s whore palace at 3am for a cheese tasting….on his dick. And these two hookers will provide the crab crackers!

For real, what is wrong with pants? If the Jane Fonda workout video extra thinks wearing no pants will provide easier access, she’s wrong. She still has to pull that shit to the side and hold it. Her friend has the right idea. She just has to lift and spread. Much easier access. And you can breath easy knowing these two didn’t catch pneumonia from the cold. Their genital warts kept them nice and toasty.

Another bitch has just jumped over that overused moon. Call the damn fire department to get that bitch down, so we can slap her with a pancake for using that phrase. Yes, Geri Halliwell is engaged and she told her friend, “I am over the moon. We are so happy. He constantly makes me smile. I could not be happier.”

If my friend told me that, I’d push her off her chair and quit that bitch. The government needs to set up some kind of camp over the damn moon for bitches to go and stay there forever if they say that shit. Go over the stupid moon and don’t leave.

So, 36-year-old Geri is engaged to Italian yacht tycoon Fabrizio Politi. Italian yacht tycoon?! Is this a fucking Jackie Collins novel? Is Geri going to change her name to Lucky? She should.

Geri and Fabby (that’s totally what his boyfriends call him) have only been dating for two months. They might last month at a club in Florence. Geri’s spokeswhore confirms they are promised to be married, but said they aren’t making wedding plans anytime soon. The Daily Mirror (via Press Association) says Fabby gave Geri a £220,000 diamond engagement ring.

Geri’s friend also added, “Geri is desperate for another brother or sister for her daughter, and to have a man in her life who can be a father to them. It feels right and they are both very happy.”

Um. By the looks of her new man, I think her daughter does have a new sister. Fabby looks like his tongue has done laps around the peen once or twice. And she already has two men in her life! Are Scary Spice and Sporty Spice chop liver? Rude!

But I will raise my mug of Sanka to Geri this morning, because it sounds like Fabby shits gold (along with glitter). I say, get that ring, get that money and get out!

Here’s Geri, her daughter Bluebell Madonna (HA!) and Fabby buying oranges in London the other day.

After the twister dumped his truck on the Wicked Squirrel of the East, Billy Bob put on the magical ruby flannel and followed the yellow dirt road. – JeanM

Runners-up:

Yeah, I threw the truck up there…WITH MY DICK. – johnnysgirl

Call the Fire Department!! There’s a pussy stuck in the street! – Provolone

“Bubba” Sullenberger was always trying to compete with his older brother “Sully”. – Starvis

Thanks LF